Reflections of a Child of God

A Word from God

2011-11-04T16:15:00.003-05:00

Since graduating from seminary a couple of years ago, I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that my faith and/or the practices of my faith cannot be tied to a specific place or season of my life. Going to a Christian college and then immediately off to seminary created a safe, easy place to cultivate good habits of devotion, prayer, reflection, study, etc. However, after moving to Georgia and settling into marriage, I began to really struggle with my faith. Not that I ever stopped believing, but just became lazy about time spent with the Lord. It became all to easy for me to point fingers, blame people or places that I felt were bringing me down. All along, I failed to realize that I make my own choices. I make the choice to sit in misery; I make the choice to turn the tv on; I make the choice to be too busy to just be still and listen.

Recently, I have gotten better about some things. For one thing, I try to pick up my Bible each morning before school. Also, I stopped trying to pray while falling asleep because inevitably....I fall asleep! One of my specific prayers is that God will open my ears to hear and my eyes to see the things He wants to teach me. Today I saw my prayers answered.

I love using stories of the kids in my life because so often, God uses these precious children to teach me. Today, one of the boys in my class handed me a big school bus toy and asked if I could pull out the fire truck that had gotten stuck inside. Frantically, I jerked it around, pulling and tugging and muttering that it looked like it was just stuck in there. But then, I relaxed and gently tried once more and it came out smoothly and easily. If that's not a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is! God is asking me to stop struggling and just relax so that things will go smoothly, as He intended. When I try too hard or when I hold on tightly with an iron-clad grip, God can't work in my life. It's no one else's fault; I just need to stop trying so hard.

Jacob wrestling the angel has become one of my favorite Old Testament stories recently. He wrestled with the angel until he received His blessing. Is it okay to struggle though to the blessing with God? I believe that yes it is. Is it okay to jerk things around and try to control something that was never ours to control? No, I don't think it is. There are things I wish I could control in my life. Things I wish would go my way. Things I wish were a little easier. Things I wish were other people's burdens, not mine.

But God used a Fisher Price school bus to remind me to stop jerking things around and being bitter. He reminded me to be a little gentler in my life with situations that are beyond my control. Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to see and my ears to hear Your sweet voice!

In His Mercy.

A Deer in the Woods

2011-07-08T07:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday David and I decided to hike up Kinnesaw Mountain. It was only about 3 miles total, so not too bad of a hike. As we started off, it didn't take long for me to feel impatient; I wanted to get to the top so we could turn around and go back down- my nickname as a child was Little Sarah Whiner- any guesses why???? As we made our way the the top, David imparted his words of wisdom: Life is a journey. We have to enjoy the journey as we get to each destination. It's not about getting to the end at the expense of the journey to get there. We have to enjoy all of what each day has to offer us.

Okay, I can't argue with that. I tried to slow my footsteps. On the way down, I was in a groove. We were probably 10 minutes from the bottom when I looked up from my zooming steps. About 15 feet diagonally to my left was a fawn munching on some leaves. It was amazing how close we were and the fawn just kept on keeping on, not seeming to mind us. I think the fawn was a metaphor for all the things in life I would miss if I didn't enjoy the journey. If I keep my eyes on the ground and rush to each destination without enjoying the journey along the way, I will miss out on so much that God has in store for me.

I believe God has wonderful plans for David and I. I have to remind myself daily that I don't get to choose what I want when I want it. Do I believe in freewill? Of course, but I also believe that God directs our steps. I am living by grace in the palm of God's hand. I am missing out on so much around me as I try to strive for the destinations that I want. God's not done with this leg of the journey. He wants me to slow down and look around me and see all the good that there is. Perhaps a deer in the woods is what it took to get me to see that!

In His Mercy.

Not Yet

2011-04-22T16:00:00.002-05:00

Last month, I went back to Wilmore, Kentucky for a ministry conference. It was great! I loved being back in Wilmore. As much as I had felt ready to leave back in 2008, being back reminded me of all the amazing things that happened and all the ways got broke me apart and built me back up- a new creation! The first evening we were there, the four of us ( we went with two of closest friends from seminary) sat at John Wesley's feet and talked and reminisced of days of old. Something about that peacefulness of the moment brought about a sense of emotional release, as if all the emotions that have been building up over the past year suddenly came to light in that moment. During the week, I was reminded of the deep love that the Father has lavished and is lavishing on me.

This past monday, our church had its first Women's Bible Study/ Fellowship meeting. One of the associates led us in a devotion time and talked about waiting. So a propos! What she said specifically that struck me is that what ever it is that we are waiting for, Jesus waits with us, offering us a constant Hope. I've been waiting for almost a year for things to happen in a way that suits me and to be honest, I have felt that God is "up there," looking down on me and waiting for the perfect moment for all the pieces to fall in place. Shamefully, I have never considered that He waits with me. What a difference it makes to know that Jesus is waiting with me!

But....today is Good Friday. Jesus is now dead and in the tomb. Before today's noon service, I sat in the front of the church and thought how eerie it was to see the entire altar area shrouded in black. How scary it must have been for the disciples- alone, not understanding what Jesus had tried to tell them. So I am waiting alone today. I will never forget my pastor from CT telling us one Good Friday to leave Jesus in the tomb. I remember the fear I felt when he said that. So yes, I wait alone today. Yes, I know the rest of story and know what is to come, but I do believe it is important for us to embrace the discomfort of Jesus' suffering and death. After all, Ester could not have happened without "Good" Friday first.

In His Mercy...

Things Lately

2011-02-08T19:35:00.003-05:00

The weeks are flying by! Last month, I only had one FULL work week because of holidays and the week off due to snow. And now it's almost halfway through February=) I've had a few things on my mind lately. My first thought(s) has actually been on my mind for a long time. Last year, I went on a women's retreat. I found one common theme among all of us: hurt. Whether it was from divorce, insecurity, feeling like we don't deserve what is good and right, it seemed like we all had tears of hurt to cry. Why is it that as women, we don't feel like we are good enough or that we don't measure up?

As I was walking out of one of my favorite stores the other day (Ann Taylor), I glanced up at the back of a mannequin and noticed that it had to be taken in with pins just to fit the mannequin. And the thing is, it was probably the smallest size shirt and pants that there are. Why do we feel so inadequate? Because almost everything in advertising and society tells us that if we aren't a size 0, we aren't good enough. If the average size is not huge on us, we are not pretty enough. If our skin is not perfect or our hair not just right, we aren't living up to "the standard." Our feelings of inadequacy stem from the fact that society tells us that we have missed the mark. I am certainly not saying that this gives us license to not take care of ourselves; on the contrary, Paul tells us that our bodies are temples. Therefore, we are responsible for treating it as such.

I am reminded of this verse: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14). God made us exactly how He wanted us to be! So love who you are=)

I have also thought a lot about waiting on the Lord. Brennan Manning, in his book Ruthless Trust, says that to truly trust is a heroic act. So true. I prayed with David for the Lord to help me wait for things and as we prayed together, somehow I visualized the idea I was surrendering as an actual thing, placing it at the foot of the cross. I can't even explain it or articulate what happened, but it was powerful and emotional. God WANTS us wait on Him. So much easier said than done.

"Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

In His Mercy.

Emmanuel

2010-12-31T15:22:00.002-05:00

I must sound like a broken record, but I can't believe how long it has been since I last write! These past couple of years have been "bad blogging" years. Writers dry spell I guess.

Well, this whole month I've reflected a lot about "Emmanuel, God with us." The Christmas story is a very literal recounting of exactly how God was with us. But what does Emmanuel mean to us today? Even when Jesus was literally with His people 2000 years ago, there was still a special, unique "something" that took the name Emmanuel above and beyond its literal meaning. Yeah, of course it was special for God to come down and be the "Word made flesh," but it begs the question, "so what?" I began to think about how I see God with me- His provision, His comfort in my distrust, His faithfulness in my unfaithfulness, His relentless love in the midst of my wavering love, His plans coming to fruition in my own life and in David's. God is ALWAYS with us. Jesus wasn't Emmanuel just for a moment of time; He is Emmanuel always. He is ALWAYS with us. What an amazing promise. I have come to love the name Emmanuel more than any other name for Jesus. Knowing God is with me makes every other aspect of Jesus a given- at least in my mind.

I've had a hard time "letting go" of Christmas this year. Maybe because it was so special. One fo the things that made it so special and unforgettable is that it was a white Christmas here in Atlanta! It began snowing in the morning and lasted late into the evening. It was absolutely gorgeous! It seemed like a dream- of course now all the snow is melted and gone! It was also a special Christmas because David and I got to host my parents in our home. It's the first time where my family Christmas was at my home and not at my parents. I feel like a new "life milestone" has been reached! Well, my parents left a couple of days ago and I have had to fight off the moping big time. It was just sad seeing all the Christmas still up, but having an empty guest bedroom and knowing that Christmas came and went. But, I had a revelation today. Advent and the Christmas and the days to follow is not a season of sadness, but a season of joy and hope in Jesus' birth! Yes, Christmas is over, but I can always be joyful and hopeful in God's plan for David and I's lives. I feel the sadness breaking away....but I'll let you know how I do when all the Christmas stuff comes down!

In His Mercy.

21st Time

2010-08-08T17:39:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving to Wal-Mart and on the corner of the Wal Mart property, a woman stood with a sign that said "Family of 4 Needs Help." I kept driving and a little further down the way, a man stood with the exact same sign. I thought about how sad that is, but kept driving. Well, today David and I ran a slew of errands that really ended up being a bust, but God had other plans for our dead-end errands. As we drove to Wal-MArt, the same man I had seen weeks ago stood there in the shade with his sign. I felt God's Spirit tell me that I needed to help this man, that by feeding him, I feeding HIM. David and I went across the street to Publix, used the money I had gotten from my Wal-Mart return, and got this man a gift card. I understand that sometimes people are just trying to scam others, but in my heart, I thought about how Jesus told us that by feeding and clothing the least, we are feeding and clothing Him- not to mention it is disgustingly hot out, so who would stand out there out of mal-intent? Well, we drove back over to that corner and handed him the gift card. He smiled and told us how grateful he was asked us to pray for him and his family. David said that as we drove away that the manw as clutching the card to his heart- if that is not a Jesus moment, I don't know what is.

So many times, I have walked past people in need- some probably really did need help, others maybe not. But, the point is, it is easy to write these people out, but the challenge becomes recognizing the need for grace. As Christians, we need to be Jesus with skin on and be open to the Spirit's moving. I hope the Spirit moves like that again- even of it means handing a family a bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread from my grocery bags. David and I have never been in need and my heart goes out to this man and his family. May God's grace be on him and his family!

Today's experience reminded me of a song by Monk and Neagle called "21st Time". Here's an excerpt:

"He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray

But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time"

Praise God for "22nd" chances=)!!!

In His Mercy.

Spiritual Breath

2010-07-02T14:32:00.005-05:00

I've really been trying to take the time to "breathe spiritually" on a regular basis this summer (and after summer, too!). I can't take the credit for "spiritual breath," in that it was the subject matter of yesterday's Upper Room devotional. It was talking about how premature babies often need physical touch as a reminder to breathe. Their underdeveloped brains don't allow for involuntary breathing all the time. Likewise, sometimes we need the touch and presence of our Lord in order to spiritually breathe. Reading this was so utterly convicting to me. I have gotten so lazy about my spiritual life. It has become easy to make excuses and blame others for why I haven't taken regular time to be with the Lord. I even noticed this past year that it seemed I found myself at the feet of the Lord more often when things weren't going as I wished they would. Not to say that it was the only time I went to the Lord, but it was certainly easier to make that decision. But, it is in the normal, everyday routines that it becomes most difficult for me to consistently come before the Lord. Perhaps these "ordinary days" are the days I need the Lord the most!

Part of a holistic healthy life for me means going beyond just my spiritual life. I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally. Physically, I have been so much better about going to the gym and walking more this summer. Also, just making healthy food choices has made a huge difference. David and I watched Supersize Me about a week ago and I was disgusted by the mere thought of ever eating fast food again! The next day, I was standing behind a man in the grocery store. His cart was loaded with donuts, little debbie snack cakes, chips, ice cream, soda, and other sugary, fat-filled foods. I looked in my own basket and all there was was fruit, veggies, whole grain bread, skim milk, and light yogurt. Not to pass judgement, but it struck me just how much junk food our society is inundated with. This past week, David and I have begun to really watch what we eat. No sweets, no huge portions, no regular mayo or fast food, no fried food. Even after one week, I can feel a MAJOR difference in how I feel. My body feels less bloated with sugar and already, my clothes fit better. Believe me, I will still have a cookie or scoop of ice cream now and then. Total deprivation is never good and will kill a diet in an instant!

This idea of being healthy body, soul, and mind has really made life better for me. My attitude is better. I have more energy. And in general, I just feel better. So, I sit here typing away, feeling completely blessed and overwhelmed by the goodness of our Lord!

In His Mercy.

Transitioning

2010-06-26T20:38:00.003-05:00

Well, it has been a while since I have last written. I keep saying that I'll get back to writing more, but, well, I don't know.... I just haven't.

So, I finished up at my CFUMC job in May. It was so very hard to say goodbye to everybody, especially Jeanne. It had been such a crazy year at the preschool with a staff member and a student sibling passing away of cancer. BUt, I can't deny the Lord's hand on the situation. God was so faithful to provide me with everything I needed to make it through the year. He provided me with an amazing support system in Jeanne and other staff members and the opportunity to pray and vent with some incredible women of God. I could not have been more blessed!

So now I sit here in a summer of transition as I await the start of my new job in the Fall. I am very excited to see where God will lead me in this new opportunity! But, back to the transition thing. David and I have done the "revolutionary" thing of canceling our cable- it's just not worth it to pay for it each month. We also believe our marriage will be better of for it, too! So, we got bunny ears and a digital converter box and in order to get a signal, we had to swap our tv stand wall with our love seat wall. This one minor change sent me into panic of having to adjust to this new set-up. Yes, I realize how dramatic I must sound, but perhaps it stems from having so much time to think about this past year and what could happen in the future. It's a lot to think about!

If I could sum up what God has been teaching me these past couple of months in two words they would be: Trust and appreciation. God has continuously taught David and I to trust Him for everything since we got married. It's so special and powerful to see how God does provide and sometimes we don't even realize it until after the fact!

God has also been teaching me to appreciate myself more. I've been slowly working my way through the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge. While I do think that some parts are a little too over the top, it has also made me feel very normal in my struggles and battles. I've been able to embrace the gifts and talents that the Lord has given me and feel excited to really implement those things in my life. God created me to be me, so I need to stop picking on myself and being so critical. The problem here is just that: I focus too much on myself instead of just serving....

God sure did watch out for me this week. I was waiting at a red light to make a left turn. When the light turned green, I had been fiddling with something in my car, so didn't go right away. Just as I looked up and began to go, a 15 passenger van went flying through the red light at what seemed to be 50 mph. My initial thoughts were of negative colorings towards the driver, but then I let out a deep sigh of relief as I realized that if I had gone a second or two sooner, my car would've been smashed, and perhaps so would I! I believe with all my heart that God distracted me in order to protect me. He must've saved me for some purpose, right????

In His Mercy.

Trust

2010-05-08T09:07:00.004-05:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make you paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I've always loved these verses. Growing up, I had a little name card that had my name, the meaning (Princess!!!), and the above verses. It sat on my bookcase for years. I think these two verses pretty much sum up the task of following Christ. Follow Him and He will guide you. Well, thursday, one of the moms in Jeanne and I's class brought us an end-of-the-year gift; they were tea towels with Bible verses on them. Jeanne's had the predictable "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"- the verse she always recites to the kids who say "I can't." Mine, was picked out a little more randomly, but it had the Proverbs 3 verses on it. I started thinking how neat it is that God knits our whole lives together. All these litte- and big- life events somehow interconnect and make sense together. The above two verses have followed me all these years and mysteriously, this mother "randomly" picked out the tea towel with those exact verses on it. God is good!

I have a lot to trust God with in the coming months. The school year ends on Thursday and a new venture awaits me in the Fall. As scared as I am about, I am also so excited. I believe God will take care of me and help me to thrive.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart......

In His Mercy.

Holy Week

2010-04-06T07:34:00.003-05:00

So Holy Week has come and gone. I had so many thoughts and reflections running through my mind last week, but never felt the compulsion to sit here and write. The funny thing is, when I actually take the time to reflect and write, I find my spirit lifted. There is something so freeing about putting your heart on paper ( or the computer screen!). One of the things I thought about a lot was the redemptive quality of Good Friday. Seems like a strange comment, but it was 10 years ago at a Good Friday that I truly understood the magnitude of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection. Perhaps when one is put face to face with the raw reality of Jesus' passion, it has the potential to "force the issue," so to speak. Not that I felt forced to surrender to Christ, but I certainly understood that it is not just enough to do the right things because of a belief in God, but rather we should act out of a relationship with God.

All week last week, I found myself wanting to celebrate Easter, but I had to remind myself that Good Friday comes first. ST JAmes does a great job guiding reflection in this. At the Maundy Thursday service, they draped the entire altar area with black cloth after stripping it of all Christological symbols (cross, Bible, etc) and ended the service by removing the Christ candle from the sanctuary. It was very powerful. There is a sense of emptiness and sadness as you watch all this happen.

But then there's Easter. Majestic and celebratory. Where's the victory, grave? No victory. Death is NOT the final answer. For me, one of the most powerful parts of Mel Gibson's The Passion is Satan writhing in the earth's underbelly when Jesus dies on the cross. On Easter we celebrate Christ's resurrection where he removes the sting of death and Satan can no longer boast of the grave!

David and I have so much to celebrate this year. God keeps telling us to be faithful and trust, so we do. And God keeps providing. It blows me away- literally penny for penny, event to event, God is providing! Great is YOUR faithfulness! Your mercies are NEW every morning!!!!

In His Mercy.

In His Hands

2010-03-09T21:08:00.003-05:00

Most of you who read this probably know that I work with 4-yr-olds at a preschool up the road. I absolutely love, love, love those sweet kids. Today is my favorite preschool day because we hve so much variety and are constantly switching gears. Well, chapel time rolled around and one little girl got up out of her seat and snuggled onto my lap. Another little boy, who does not like to be the one who is left out of the whole "sitting-on-your-lap" ordeal, gets out of his seat and snuggles next to me. During the closing prayer song, the chapel leader suggested the kids hold hands with their neighboring friends. Of course, these sweet kids immediately reached for my hand. I took each of their tiny hands and sat there praying with them. It was such a precious moment.

I thought about how our Heavenly Father must love holding our hands when we pray. He must love those sweet moments with us infinitely more than I do with my preschool kids. We need to reach out in eagerness and grab hold of the hands of God and "snuggle" with Him in our own prayer lives. I believe He cherishes those moments so much! May my snuggle time with God grow each and every day.

In His Mercy.

Walking to Emmaus

2010-03-02T16:43:00.003-05:00

This past weekend, I went on the Walk to Emmaus. The Walk to Emmaus is a 72-hour retreat designed to draw you closer to the Lord. I can't really say more about what goes on because by doing so, I could rob someone's else's joy of experiencing it for themselves.

The weekend was amazing. I have to admit that going into it, I was a little skeptical. I would have to spend 3 days away from hubby with no phone and no watch. The idea of being thrown in with a group of strangers and sleeping in a bunk room did not exactly send me into fits of excitement. But, God quickly changed my heart. David came home from his walk and told me that I would love it and that there was something so special about the weekend.

Yes, it was a very special weekend, precious even. I have only just begun to process through the massive amount of knowledge and heart that were poured into me this past weekend. The one concept that really stands out in my heart and mind is that I am so dearly lived by God and by so many people around me. It amazes me to think about the depth of God's love for me- that He delights in me and calls me His child. God loves me through others, too. This past weekend was truly a gift of love.

I'll write more later, but right now, it's more than I can put into words. For now, I will say this- if you are a Christian that is seeking to grow and to serve Christ as His disciple- go on this retreat!!!!! You will not regret it!

In His Mercy.

The Rail

2010-02-15T08:38:00.003-05:00

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting behind two sweet little girls at church. During the morning prayer, the altar rail is open for people to come kneel and pray. Well, one of the little girls ran to the altar and a few seconds later, her friend runs after her and plants herself down next to her. I see them both look to their right to observe the actions of others at the rail.

I sat there and smiled as I watched all of this go down. Two thoughts came to mind. One, why are we not all running to be with the Lord? Maybe these little girls didn't fully understand what they were doing, but I have to believe that somewhere in their innocent hearts, they understood that praying at the altar rail was a good and right thing to do. I don't run to the Lord enough. I need to be running to the Lord on a daily basis. I can learn from those two sweet girls what it means to have a child-like faith.

The second thought that came to mind is how important it is as adults to set an example for the kids around us. Those girls immediately looked around to see what the adults where doing and did as they did. How precious. Am I setting an example for kids? I hope so. Everyday that I am in my preschool classroom, I constantly have to remind myself to be patient and to take deep breaths. My actions and emotions are examples to the little ones around me.

So yes, we need to learn from the kids in our lives as we set an example for them as well=) I love how God uses kids to teach me!

In His Mercy.

Haiti

2010-01-22T11:14:00.004-05:00

It has been a crazy, emotional week. David and I went to Sam Dixon's funeral yesterday. For those who do not know who Sam Dixon is, he was the head of UMCOR (United Methodist Committee on Relief). He dedicated his life to helping the needy as he joyfully served the Lord. He was killed in the Haitian earthquake last week. It was heartbreaking to see his wife, so hurt and sad, not knowing where to go from here. What a life to be celebrated, though!

As David and I made our long drive home last night, he asked me what God had been saying to me. I told him that GOd had been telling me that Haiti needs to be praying for us. I know that sounds absolutely counter-intuitive and believe me, I will continue to pray for Haiti, but hear me out.

David and I have watched a lot of news coverage this past week. There is one woman who stands out to me. She said that she started following Jesus because of the earthquake. She new that it had to have been Jesus that saved her from dying. She is not the only one that has said such things. Her comment has rolled around my head for days. I started thinking about the Israelites. The Bible says that the more they were oppressed, the more they grew. I think the typical American response is to ask where God was when this happened or how He could have let it happen. Ok, fair enough, but I think the Haitian people have answered that for us. God was in that rubble comforting the trapped. God was saving men, women, and children and giving them the opportunity to serve Him and follow Him. The Haitians have ministered to me in ways that I could never offer back to them.

Most of us in the United States will never experience the oppression they have lived in. Voodoo, poorest of the poor, slammed with natural disasters- we could never know what that is like, yet following Jesus seems absurd to America. But, the Haitians are saying to me, "The more we are oppressed, the more we will grow because Jesus is saving us."

So yes, maybe Haiti needs to pray for us.

In His Mercy.

New Year, New Pain

2010-01-14T20:32:00.003-05:00

It amazes me the amount of sadness and hurt there is in the world. One of the reasons I don't like to watch the news a lot is because I find it incredibly depressing. People shooting other people. Bombs. Terrorists. Disasters. How much sadness and pain can the human heart hold?

A new year brings new opportunities; new chances for hope and new beginnings. That's what I wished for sweet little Aubrey- a beautiful one year old whose older sister attends the preschool where I work. She has a rare form of cancer that she is dying from. It cuts me to the core- I'm not a mother yet, but just the thought of going through this breaks my heart. The hardest thing to understand and come to terms with is that God's healing takes on two forms- actual physical healing or healing by arriving in heaven to be with Jesus. I pray that sweet Aubrey will be healed! With God, all things are possible!

Now I sit here watching the coverage of the Haitian earthquake and the more I watch it, the more depressed I feel. What's worse, is that Sam Dixon, the head of UMCOR (United Methodist Corps on Relief) is missing, presumed to be in the rubble of the Montana. Sam is my father-in-law's first cousin. It makes it more real. It's easy to sit here and watch the TV, but when it becomes personal, suddenly you are forced to face the devastation. Is creation groaning for redemption? Are these natural disasters the groans that Romans talks about?

It's easy to have an achy heart these days. David and I have discussed in the recent weeks how to reconcile the condition of most of the world with the relatively peaceful circumstances we live in. How can we watch all this coverage of disasters and war and the turn of the TV and go about our days as normal? How can this be reconciled? Should we feel guilty? I honestly don't know. I have no control over the fact that I was born when and where I was born. But, I am still accountable to my fellow humanity, aren't I?

All of these things have been rolling around in my head. In the midst of the confusion and sadness, I am blessed by those deeply personal and still moments with the Lord. On Wednesday, Jeanne and I started of our day as usual by taking communion together and praying for each other. Ed served us and as he placed the wafer in my hand, he said, "The body of Christ broken for you because He loves you." Because He loves you. He loves you. Yes, Jesus does love me. That phrase was so beautifully intimate that I welled up as I realized that this simple phrase that we hear so often is so powerful and compelling. That phrase- He loves me- carried me through my day and continues to envelop my heart.

In His Mercy.

Holy

2009-12-07T16:08:00.003-05:00

What does it mean to be holy? I think so often we tend to think of holiness as something we achieve by being a "good Christian." Bible reading? Check. Pray for a little bit? Check. Serve in some way? Check. Go to church? Check. All of these things are good things to do, but they don't make us holy. That's works righteousness.

Last night before bed, David and I read a Dennis Kinlaw devotional entry together about holiness. It said that holiness is being in the presence of God. Wow! Do you sense the grace in that? It's amazing. It's not about outward perfection, but surrendering our heart's imperfections in the presence of God. This is holiness! God meets us in our most broken places and transforms them into holiness.

It reminds of a book I read a year or two ago. I think it was a Brennan Manning book. He was recalling a time (or two!) when he had fallen asleep praying. God doesn't get mad at us when we do that. We chose to be in God's presence in that moment and God knows our hearts. To me, that is an example of how even in our imperfections and what we label as "mistakes", God is surrounding us with His holiness.

It almost makes me wonder- is holiness something we "own" per se, or is it something that is strictly God's that he clothes us with? Food for thought....

In His Mercy.

Tis the Season

2009-12-05T13:30:00.006-05:00

Happy Advent everyone! I've been so bad about writing this year. Things got complicated earlier in the year and emotionally, I just kind of excused myself from caring about much of anything. I've always enjoyed writing, so when I writing became an event that rarely occurred, I knew something was up. I've slowly started to come back to it all. That's the thing about healing, it only takes an instant to be torn-up, chewed-up, and spit back out; its what happens afterwards that poses the biggest challenge.

Healing is something that I have thought about a lot lately. There is a precious little girl- a younger sibling of one of the four-yr-olds at the preschool- who is terminally ill with a rare form of cancer. When we received the news, my heart immediately began to ache. Let me back up. She had a liver transplant in the Spring that was successful and we were all under the impression that she was in the clear. Just before Thanksgiving, they found four more masses, all cancerous and all the same rare cancer. At this point, not much can be done. She's been given a 0% chance of survival. I barely know this family, but I found myself in tears at our morning staff meeting. One, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the family is going through. And two, I cannot grasp why this happens.

I believe in God's healing, but I also believe that sometimes God's healing does not look how we want it so look. For example, when my grandmother passed away from cancer at the age of 89, I believe her death was her healing. She lived a long, fulfilling life and God ended her suffering. Healing. But here is this tiny child, not even 2 years old, and medically-speaking, she has no chance of surviving. I believe in God's miracles and I pray that He would "wow" the doctors with a miraculous healing of this sweet, innocent child. But what if He doesn't? Does that mean He did not hear the prayers of His people? Does that mean that he does not love this little girl? Of course not. I just have a hard time comprehending this all.I just wish that sometimes we could just get our way.

The truth be told, I am glad that I cannot understand God. There is something strangely comforting about not fully grasping onto who God is. God is God. He is in control. And even though it's scary and uncertain, I believe He is holding sweet Aubrey in His lands, loving on her, and loving on her family.

Healing is a very mysterious thing....

In His Mercy.

Worship

2009-11-02T13:41:00.002-05:00

These past two Sundays, I've had some very powerful worship moments. Last Sunday, David took his (mine, too!) Disciple class to worship at the Sunday evening service at Atlanta 1st UMC. It was so powerful! For me, it felt like a cross between Catacombs (worship service from my college days) and The Rock/La Roca UMC. Think high church look, acoustic feel, and in an inner-city setting. The worship team was incredible- just three people- a cross between Chris Tomlin and Kirk Franklin. Sounds weird, but it worked. I am not even sure how to articulate my experience other than to say that there was something utterly raw and real about the worship. Surprisingly, given that I grew-up in a middle-class, suburban church, I am drawn to inner-city churches.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. St. James had a beautiful service. The choir sang a requiem that they had pieced out throughout the service. During communion, the two most beautiful sections were sung. It took all I had to not cry. I sat there, watching people come up for communion, thinking about all the people that have gone before us, but yet inspire us still. As I was reflecting, the associates son came up with his wife to take communion. He is a injured soldier. About a month or so ago, he was being transported from one base to another in Afghanistan when their Hummer drove over a bomb. His sergeant was killed and he suffered from a serious arm injury. I sat there thinking about how on the one hand we are celebrating the saints, but on the other, here we have someone who God spared. How emotional that must have been for his family!

Then I looked over to see a father and his daughter come up. The daughter took communion first and walked straight to the altar. Most kids (I've noticed) wait for their parents, waiting for an example of what to do. She, however, knelt down at the altar rail and began to pray. Her father came and knelt down right beside her, their shoulders overlapping. It was such a beautiful picture of what prayer is- the faith of a child and a father right there with her. When we pray, we should pray with the confidence of a child, knowing that although we pray to a Holy God, He is right there with us!

In His Mercy.

One Year

2009-10-18T14:36:00.002-05:00

A year ago today, I was on the way to West Hartford United Methodist Church to walk down the aisle and marry David=) These past couple of days I have allowed my imagination to recreate that day and take a walk down memory lane. It was such a surreal, beautiful, and blessed time of our lives as we made preparations and exchanged our vows. I told David beforehand that I was more excited about the ceremony than I was about our reception. Don't get me wrong- our reception was a blast and very memorable! But, the ceremony was when we made a commitment to stay together in marriage until death parts us. To me, THAT is the most important part of marriage.

Our first year of marriage has been challenging, fun, ordinary, and exciting. God has taken us on quite a journey! He has taught us to trust Him in everything and for everything. There were times when that was difficult, but every time, He provided and He took care of us and blessed us with a wonderful life together. For that, I am forever grateful

And to David, I love you. This year has been great, but I can't wait to see what happens this year!

In His Mercy.

It's Been a While

2009-09-21T09:02:00.002-05:00

Well, it's officially been a long time since I have written. The reasons are many! The biggest reason was that I was finishing my MDiv. On Friday, August 28th, I finished it after four long years of constant hard work! Seminary=no breaks if you want to graduate in 4 yrs or less. Several people have asked me if I have more time on my hands now and strangely, it seems that I don't. I juts have new things taking up my time=)

God is doing a good work in my life. For the past year+, I was in a place where I really just had stopped caring about my heart. I know that must sound weird and just to clarify, it had NOTHING to do with my marriage. I love David and our life together is such a blessing. My life circumstances dumped me into a place of apathy. I can't make too many excuses because ultimately I make my own decisions. This apathy frustrated me. I wanted to care, but couldn't force myself to. I guess I thought that moving to our new house and having a new start would magically solve my problems, but surprise, surprise, it didn't. God's renewing of my heart has been slow, one baby step at a time. It started with cleansing tears, a warm embrace, and an excitement to be back in the Word.

About a week and a half ago, David and I took communion together before Wednesday night super at church. It was just the two of us at the altar, sharing this intimate meal together. We have not taken communion together like this, ever! It was so special for me and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt God's presence with me, reminding me of the blessing I have in David. We are in this ministry "thing" together- for all the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. It's hard being the spouse and figuring out how to be me in all of this. Another pastor's wife reminded me of the importance of remembering who I am and not worrying about perceptions. She's right- I don't have to be anyone else but me!

I just sense God moving in little ways here and little ways there and my heart is feeling uplifted once more. Praise Jesus!

In His Mercy.

False Idols

2009-07-31T07:13:00.002-05:00

This summer, I am finishing up the last 3 classes for my MDiv. One of the classes is a Youth Ministries class, which despite the workload, I am enjoying. As I was reading this week for the class on the power of media in adolescents' lives, I came across a paragraph on "pro-ana" websites. Pro-ana, as in pro-anorexia. What??? My mouth fell open- I am disgusted that these websites exist. I went online and googled "pro ana" and within seconds, I had thousands of websites and videos at my disposable, all dedicated to the worship of "Ana."

It is scary to think that so many girls/ women are enslaved to their bodies in such a way where they stand in front of a mirror, skin and bones, and see flabby arms and thunder thighs. As this author was saying and as I have believed for a long time, things like pro-ana and pro-mia (pro bulimea) are a direct result of the media. The average model or actress on tv is 5'10, 110 pounds, and a size two. The average american woman is 5'4, 140 pounds, and a size ten. Is it any wonder that girls starve themselves. We are told everyday by several different media sources that to be thin is to be beautiful.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went into one of my favorite clothing stores. When we came out, he asked me, "Did you notice how all the clothes were clipped onto the mannequins?" Actually, I had. All the mannequins were wearing the smallest sizes possible and furthermore, if you looked at the back of them, the shirts, pants, etc. had been clipped to snugly fit the mannequins. Why??? BECAUSE MOST WOMEN JUST AREN'T THAT SMALL, PEOPLE! To some extent, even the clothing companies realize that.

As someone who struggled with eating disorder tendencies in the past, todays marketing techniques scare me to no end. We need to embrace who God has created us to be. The Psalms tell us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully" made. 1 Corinthians tells us that our bodies are a temple. There is a balance between embracing the different shapes and sizes God has created us to be and being healthy and taking care of ourselves. Don't believe the media's lies- embrace God's TRUTH!

In His Mercy.

In God's Time

2009-07-01T06:29:00.002-05:00

Trusting in God's timing is always a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you just think that everything is coming together. Things are going in your favor and it seems that everything is working in your favor. But then, God comes in and says, "Not yet." Two simple words, easy to understand, but so hard to accept. All you can do is keep going forward, seeing the positive. I tend to be optimistic and think that every cloud has a silver lining.

So, David and I are plugging along. We had our first Sunday at our new church on Sunday. It was a very exciting day! The last hymn we sang was "Great is thy Faithfulness," which is one of my favorite hymns. I just about cried as I thought about all the ways God has taken care of David and I. I really can't complain- I'm sitting here in a beautiful home that David and I purchased, I have a super sweet puppy, the best husband, food, clothes, an education. So while I wish certain things could happen on my time, I am willing to wait on God's timing. A little challenge never hurt anyone=)

In His Mercy.

A "Brief" Update?

2009-06-12T07:53:00.002-05:00

There have been many times this past month that I have wanted to sit down and write. I've had a lot of thoughts rolling around my head, but unfortunately my motivation to blog has been nil. I want to get back to it, so today is my hodge-podge of an update.

Last semester, I took two cross-cultural leadership classes. It was a very interesting experience. I have a heart for cross-cultural leadership and was very excited to share my passion with the class. Each class entailed a final project. The first project was to create a ministry plan to be implemented that either enhances a cross-cultural ministry that already exists or to start a new one. It had to be written from the context that we were currently in, so for me that meant a brand new ministry. On the other hand, I had to present a cross-cultural ministry that was already in existence. Easy- did that for two years in Kentucky! So, here I am struggling with the fact that I had to force this ministry on someone who didn't really want it. I wrestled with the question of "what id they're not willing?" Well, as I interviewed ministry leaders for my other presentation, I was struck by the fact that the pastor said, "diversity happened on accident." In other words, it happened because they became relevant. It wasn't forced. What a juxtaposition to the ministry plan I was designing! So, I am left at the end of the semester with the same question I had at the beginning of the semester- how does cross-cultural ministry really happen and can it be forced? I just don't know....

I graduated on May 23rd from seminary! Well, I still have three classes this summer- THEN I am done, but it was fun to go through all the pomp and circumstance. David and I traveled back up to Wilmore on the 22nd. For whatever reason, I became very emotional about it all. As I sat and watched people cross the stage that I had come in with, I started thinking about all the friendships that had been formed and the experiences we had together. I realized that this was an experience that could never be duplicated. You live, you learn, and you move on. Perhaps I never really internalized the moving on part. I knew it in theory, but as I sat their, I knew I needed to know it in reality. I enjoyed seeing the places I lived, seeing the place where David and I met, seeing Clucker's, but now I need to appreciate it and move on. I treasure my days in Wilmore, but it's time to move on and treasure a new season in my life.

David and I moved into our new home a week ago. We've had new floors put in and new furniture and I love it. The Lord has blessed David and I in so many ways that have brought us to this place. After a marathon moving day last thursday, I stepped into our new shower and cried. Something as simple as a shower in a new place overwhelmed me with gratitude. David and I have certainly learned about taking things for granted- we didn't this past year because we weren't given the opportunity to. As a result, we are able to love and embrace our quaint home.

God is good...all the time. All the time...God is good.

In His Mercy.

Summer Time, and the Livin' is Easy

2009-05-16T08:42:00.002-05:00

Well, it is almost summer time. I had my last day of work yesterday. All my class work is due within the next few days. And then- TWO WEEKS OF NOTHING! Yes, sadly my summer will consist of 3 online classes and preschool training events. So, I get my two weeks of easy summer livin'!

It has been such a great year. It's hard to believe that 10 months ago, I walked into the preschool doors, not knowing what to expect. A few teachers wrote little notes to me telling me about all the "shoes I had to fill" I never thought about, but they're right. I had to step into a lot of new roles this past year. I stepped into the role as a wife- and a pastor's wife at that! I stepped in as one of the director's assistants at the preschool. This included many little and big jobs- I never knew what to expect. I stepped into the role of substitute teacher. Every class was different and so each time I stepped into the role, I was presented with different challenges. And, I stepped into the role as the Music and Spanish teacher when Cara left to have her baby. This was so great because I got to work with all the kids. And what a blessing they were. Their hugs and "I Love you's" were enough to melt my heart and taught me about God's love for me. It's amazing how kids are so insightful without even knowing it. I see the heart of God all the time in these kids.

I feel so incredibly blessed. It has almost been a full year since I moved down to Georgia and it has been quite the ride! God has blessed me beyond words. I have done things I have never done before and done them with bravery and trust in the Lord who gave me all these good things. I am so excited to see what God will allow me to accomplish in these NEXT 12 months.

Life is good right now. We're closing on a house in 2 1/2 weeks. God is making my heart new. God is giving me rest and excitement. Praise the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever!

In His Mercy.

Surrender

2009-04-20T21:20:00.002-05:00

It's 10:20 as I write this and normally by this time, I am snug alseep under the covers- 6 am gets here way too quick! Perhaps it's just one of those nights where I can't sleep or perhaps it's because the speaker at church told us that he was going to pray that if we have stuff to deal with, that we wouldn't sleep tonight. I haven't figured out if it's the latter or the former...

Sunday he spoke of commitment vs. surrender. To be honest, I never would have thought to juxtapose the two, but it makes sense. I can commit myself to God, but so what? If that's all I did, the excuses could abound- I'm not behaving because I haven't heard the Lord speak to me.....but I am committed to Him. Or, I am committed to Him as long as everything goes my way...

One of the definitions of commitment is: an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. A commitment can almost hogtie your hands- where is the freedom of that? Should we be in bondage with the Lord? Absolutely not.

But surrender on the other hand is a whole other story. Surrender is abandonment of self in humility to the Lord. There is a freedom in letting go of that bondage. Surrender is wreckless abandonment. It's a relinquishment of all that we cling to. It's freedom...as strange as that sounds, it's freedom. Surrendering to God is not a restriction of freedom, but the unleashing of freedom to be who God has created us to be. It all seems so complex and contradictory- and maybe it is, but it makes complete sense...

Maybe I do have stuff to work on.

In His Mercy.

Pourin' Out My Love

2009-03-22T07:25:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, a little girl at the preschool where I work started hugging her teacher. Her teacher said, "Stella, what are you doing?" Her response was, "I'm just pourin' out my love on you." I think my mouth kind of dropped over. Probably without even realizing it, this little girl gave me a clear picture of (part of) who God is. God doesn't need a reason to pour His love out on us- He just does it, no questions asked. And wow, did I need love poured out on me this past week.

Monday night, David and I received some disheartening news that brought us to our knees in surrender. Only God could get us out of this. The turnaround in 24 hours was amazing- God's grace through and through. It was exhausting going from extreme worry to extreme praise and excitement. I don't have words for what God has done for us- just that He is GOOD! His faithfulness to provide for us is mind-boggling. I felt God's love being poured out on me for sure!

Not to mention, as the new music and spanish teacher at the preschool, I am constantly being loved by those kids. I've gotten planty of hugs, I love you's, and one little special needs boy said to me the other day, "Miss. Sarah? You're a sweet girl!" God is using these little kids in ways that they don't even know!

In His Mercy.

Sunshine Day

2009-03-06T15:58:00.004-05:00

Well, it feels like Spring here in Geogia, at least for the time being. The weatherman says it will get cold again. Maybe straight hair season is not over quite yet=)

David and I spent the afternoon running errands. We ran over to Target, Best Buy, the dry cleaner's, and then grabbed some lunch. I sat at the table with David and was suddenly overcome by emotions regarding our upcoming move. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to be a pastor's wife. The truth is, I got spoiled this time around. Because David is THE staff and there wasn't really an office for him at the church, it meant he could work from home. It meant he could eat lunch with me when I got home from work. It meant he could help cook dinner and go grocery shopping with me in the afternoon.

I'm excited about our move, but I have my fears. I keep thinking that it is going to be a tough transition. He'll be on staff and won't be around as much. am I being selfish? I am so grateful for our time together here and I am excited for what the future holds, but it is so hard to just trust that even though our schedules will look different, we are still on the top of each other's priority lists.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and in all your ways acknowledge him."

In His Mercy.

The Apple- 3 in 1?

2009-03-01T08:14:00.003-05:00

I went to a preschool conference on Friday. One of the workshops I went to was about how to incorporate faith-based lessons in the classroom. One of the ideas she gave us was to take an apple and explain to the kids that our Trinitarian GOd is like an apple. Well, like any good Asburian, a red flag went up. In a worship class I took as Asbury, we discussed how analogies like this are borderline heretical. To say that God is like an apple is modalism. God does not function in 3 different modes, but the three persons work together as a unit. The leader of this workshop made it sound as if we gave the kids this analogy, then we will have taken care of the "trinity problem." Why do we feel the need to squelch a child's sense of wonder? If as adults we don't fully understand the trinity, then why are reducing God to an apple to appease a child?

This is a problem with a lot of today's children's curricula: it's simplistic and takes away the chance for the child to ask questions. One of my biggest pet peeves is when VBS teachers or children's ministry leaders take a curriculum and read it verbatim. They get flustered when a child asks a question that the pages in front of them don't answer. When did we stop speaking from the heart? When did we start disallowing a child's freedom to be curious? What we need is open-ended curriculum that allows for the innocence of a child to remain past their Sunday school years....

In His Mercy.

You Sweep Away

2009-02-26T07:23:00.002-05:00

I haven't written for a while. I would like to be able to say that I had an over-abundance of things to say, but that's just not the case. Here's what IS the case: I am just in a dry spot. Every now and then, God reveals little pearls of truth to me. I relish in them. The other day, David and I were doing our devotion together. It was talking about having a truly sacrificial love for one another. And then it said that Jesus died for us, even though no one understood why He had to die. It was at this point that "sacrificial" had a new meaning for me. I mean thinking about it: Jesus dies for us, out of love for us, and we had no clue why, but He did it anyway. That is a challenging truth. Love is something of such depth and purity and preciousness. No one but the God of the universe could love me so deeply that he died for me when I was absolutely clueless about why. As much as my hubby or my parents love me, God loves me all the more.

Praise God!

In His Mercy.

While I'm Waiting

2009-01-24T11:17:00.002-05:00

This has been a time of waiting for David and I. As is public knowledge, we are (fingers crossed) being moved to a new church this summer. While we are excited about this new chapter unfolding, it's a bit unnerving (at least for me) to have to wait for that phone call from the D.S. David did have an interview on Tuesday, but sensed that it wasn't what God has for us.

I just want to know where we'll be. This whole "waiting thing" is weighing on my heart. As most of my close friends, family,and of course Hubby know, I am itching to have a baby. David and I are both excited about me getting "preggers," but as of right now, we know we have to wait. I have to admit, I am struggling with the waiting. It's not that I feel like we have to rush, I am just anxious to have a baby. It's a desire that is deeply embedded into my heart- I can't even articulate it. So I sit here, waiting, happy for my friends who ARE pregnant, but struggling in the wait.

I guess it comes down to this: how can being a mom and having a career pan out? I want both, but the desire for a family is so much stronger, but practically speaking a job would be helpful. Not only helpful, but something I want- I am 13 hours away from earning my 96-hour master's degree and I didn't go through this for nothing! Do you see my struggle????

In His Mercy.....

New Year

2009-01-02T13:54:00.002-05:00

Well, it's a new year! I have been on quite the journey this past year. A year ago, I sat on my in-laws stair steps next to David in tears. We would be apart for the next 5 months and it was breaking my heart. I made it through my third year of seminary and moved down to Georgia. I got a job, took three online classes, and planned my wedding. And then of course---I got married! While the year had its challenges, it was full of blessings. David and I shared our first Christmas together as a husband and wife and it was so much fun! I made us breakfast and we had fun opening our presents in our pj's before heading to his parents house. My mom was surprised Christmas day with a ticket to come see me for my birthday, so she was there when I turned 26!

So now I am coming down off of what seemed like a one-year wedding high and am facing the inevitable return to work in three days. So what are my new years resolutions? Well, of course there's the typical "lose 10 pounds" that every person seems to resolve themselves to after a long, sugary December, but what I really desire is a deeper relationship with the Lord. I feel like somewhere amidst wedding plans and settling into married life that I have lost touch with who I am and more importantly whose I am. I don't know what this new year holds, but I know the one Who holds my life in HIs hands and THAT is what I want a deeper understanding of!

In His Mercy.

Silent Night

2008-12-24T08:44:00.002-05:00

Sunday was a peaceful day at church. David's sermon made me cry. Here's the thing, I love David's sermons, but they've never made me cry before! The premise of the sermon was that Joseph was a real man for standing by Mary even though scandal was a possibility due to her "untimely" pregnancy. He ended the sermon by reminding us that just as Joseph was Jesus' adoptive father, God the Father adopts all of us into His family. This is when I started to cry.

I will not be with my family this year for Christmas, but God the Father will be with me. He will celebrate in the Christmas joy with me. Praise the Lord! I will have a Father with me tomorrow=)

We ended the service by singing "Silent Night, Holy Night." I could barely sing past the tears forming in my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine the tenderness of that night when Jesus was born....

Rejoice, rejoice! Your King has come to you, o Israel!

In His Mercy.

Silence is Golden

2008-12-17T14:26:00.002-05:00

Sunday morning, I sat down in front of the tv with a bowl of cereal, yogurt, milk, and of course, coffee. I pressed the power button and the tv blew out. In a panic, I immediately started planning on what to do- buy a new tv? Take David's mom's old tv? Whatever will we do without a television?

In Sunday school, we are going through Rob Bell's Nooma videos. It just so happened that on Sunday, the video we were watching was about silence and how we needed to turn off the cell phones and tv's in order to hear God's voice. While discussing this video, I realized that perhaps our tv breaking was spiritual, and not just the inevitable of our old tv dying.

The funny thing is is that it turned out, I didn't even have time to do what I wanted to do while our tv lay there dead. There is so much to do. Turning on the tv is possibly a crutch for not doing other things that need to get done.

Silence is golden.

In His Mercy.

Little Hands and Loud Amens

2008-12-10T07:21:00.002-05:00

Four days a week, I get to go into my job and be blessed by 2, 3, and 4-year-olds. Each morning we have a staff meeting where we go over anouncements, do a devotional, and take up prayers and praised. Jim asked us one morning if anyone had any praises and 4-year-old Gabriel (son of one of the teachers) raises his hand and says, "Jesus loves us, this I know." Precious.

So then it was time to pray and we all held hands. On one side of me was 3-year-old Wright. Unsure if he would want to take my hand, I held it out and he looked me and decided it was ok to hold onto my hand. Throughout the prayer, his little hand kept slipping and he would inch his little fingers back into the palm of my hand and hold on as tightly as he could. It was so sweet.

I wonder if God wanted to teach me about the kind of faith I should have. I need to know with all my heart that Jesus loves me. And when I start slipping away from the Lord, I need to inch my fingers back into the palm of His hand and hold on as tightly as I can.

While there are days where I am copying and stapling in the office and I have to remember that one day my degree will be put to better use, there are other days where I get to be in the classroom surrounded by these precious kids and be blessed by them for three hours....and even beyond as I sit here and share my experience=)

In His MErcy.

Ripping off the Band-aid

2008-11-29T08:54:00.002-05:00

This holiday season so far has been a process of ripping off the rest of the band-aid, so to speak. It has been a struggle to "be okay" with not going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, something which has never happened. Furthermore, I don't even know when I'll see my parents or brother and sister-in-law. Last night David and I put up our tree, decorated our mantle, and decorated our front porch. As I sit here and admire our stockings and sparkling tree, I am struck by where I find myself. God has blessed me so much.

Seminary was a place of self-discovery for me, as cliche as that may sound. I probably gained at least 15 pounds my first year, as I ate my way through depression. But the Lord taught me to love myself and consequently how to love Him first and foremost. I learned how to take it all to the foot of the cross and then the Lord brought David into my life.

So I sit here a married woman with a precious little puppy by my side. We are a family in our own right and for that, I am so grateful. There are no words to describe this formation of a family, with God in the center. This year, we will start our own traditions. And that is perfectly okay. As I mourn the "almost complete" separation from my family, I joyfully welcome David, Me, and McCartney's new traditions and new family.

God is so good...all the time. All the time....God is good.

In HIs Mercy.

Married with Children...or a dog=)

2008-11-14T14:54:00.003-05:00

What a journey my life has been since the beginning of October. Well, I'm married- one month on tuesday. It's hard to even articulate the thoughts and emotions that have cycled through me. October 18th was a perfect day- sunshine, Autumn air, and the best wedding to boot! I walked down that aisle with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with the fact that I was actually walking down the aisle, towards the man I love and will love for the rest of my life. I said vows in that church that will not ever be taken lightly. Our reception was so much fun and in the blink of an eye, it was 11:30 and we were driving off to our honeymoon. If I could re-live that day, I would.

There are no words to describe the companionship that marriage brings. Everyday, I wake up and realize once again just how blessed I am. I have my husband, our hyper little puppy, a job, and school- which thankfully has an end in sight! God is reviving my heart, something I desperatly need right now. I feel like I will finally be able to breathe and process these last few months as soon as my Fall class is done with. So while this entry is short, realize the enormity of change my life has taken....

In His Mercy.

12 Days

2008-10-06T14:56:00.003-05:00

I went to church yesterday and everyone (except for one person) who talked to me asked me if I was nervous about getting married. I answered with a resounding no. I am so excited! I'm not nervous because I know that I am marrying the right person. Being David's wife and having David as my husband seems like the most natural thing in the world today. I met with Rick today to talk about the ceremony. Our sanctuary has glass all across the back, so how he told me how it would work so that David would not see me until I walked down the aisle. I envisioned it all in my head and I started to get all teary-eyed and fluttery in my stomach. David still gives me butterflies=) I know our reception will be a blast, but I am most looking forward to our ceremony because that is where we will say our vows and make our promises to one another. To me, that is the most important thing we will do on October 18th=) I love my David and I am so excited for our wedding- in just 12 more days!!!!

In His Mercy.

Love

2008-10-02T09:59:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to the Bible study that David has started up on Wednesday nights. Last night, we watched a Nooma video with Rob Bell. He talked about the three different kinds of love in the Old Testament. There's the friendship love, the deep affection and desire love, and then there's erotic love. As he went through the three loves, he explained how in a marriage relationship, all three loves have to work together in order for the marriage to thrive. If you think in terms of each of the loves being a flame, then they need to burn together and not as three separate loves.

I just thought that that was an appropriate lesson to learn about three days before I'll be flying up to CT for David and I's wedding. I mean, we started off as friends, and as our love for each other grew as friends, it developed into a deeper affection and so on. And that's the way it should be. As our loves for each other grow, so will our marriage.

16 days=)

In His Mercy.

Redemption

2008-09-19T14:19:00.002-05:00

Have you ever really sat down and thought about what it is that God saved you from? Even the small behaviors that needed a touch of His grace? I have often thought that because I didn't have a dramatic story, then maybe I wasn't "so bad". Well, today I found a tape of me and an old friend of mine named Heather from middle school. We fell out of touch years ago, but I thought it would be fun to listen to this tape. A good chunk of the tape is us bashing another friend of ours that we hung out with a lot. I know this was like, 12 years ago, but I had this "aha" moment where I realized it was this that I was saved from. I'm not saying I'm guilt-free in the gossip and judgement area, but in hindsight, I realized the weight of my words. I found pleasure in making myself feel better about myself by making fun of someone else.

Jesus has certainly saved me from a lot. While it's fun to take a stroll down memory lane, I am also grateful that I have turned my life around!

In His Mercy.

Reality Does Not Bite

2008-09-07T13:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in over a month. It's not that I don't have anything to say. In fact, I have a lot to say, but not a lot of words to articulate it all. I'll just give a brief update about what's going on with me. I spent two weeks in Connecticut last month so I could get some wedding planning done and have my first of four bridal showers. The shower was so much fun, but there are two observations to be made: one, it's weird being the center of attention like that; and two, bridal showers are kind of like Christmas in that you get all excited about the day coming, and then it's over in what seems like 5 minutes and there's that slight let down that it's all over.

So on my back down to Georgia, I was looking out the airplane window and watching us slowly descend towards the ground. I'm not a fan of flying, but I love landing. As we got closer and closer to the ground, I thought to myself, "When did I get so afraid of life?" It's as if somewhere in the last 5 years, a switch was flipped and I started fearing life. I fear that the plane isn't safe. I fear that when I drive in the rain, my car will crash. I fear the unfamiliar. So as I sat in that seat in that airplane, I said to the Lord, "I trust you. I trust that this plane is in your hands and that I have some things I need to do for you still."

That was a Saturday. Two days later, I started my new job. I got a job at a preschool as the director's assistant. I pretty much do a little bit if everything. Since the two weeks that I have been there, I have substituted in the music class, helped out the two year olds, written a newsletter, began to organize all the paperwork they'll need to be re-certified this year as an accredited preschool, and made a little girl smile on the playground when no one would play with her. I may fear the unknown, but the truth is- not to toot my own whistle- that I have a lot to offer and I am able.

40 days till David and I get married....

In His Mercy.

Just One of Those Days

2008-07-30T15:23:00.002-05:00

Today has been one of those days where I wanted to just sit down in the middle of the floor, cry, and just give up- and by give up, I mean go back to bed and hope for a better tomorrow. It's not even that the things happening were all that bad. Here was my day: wake up at 6:20, get ready for the gym, eat a bowl of cereal, head over to meet David, puppy McCartney poops and pees in her kennel, we get mad at her, go to gym, come back home, McCartney poops on floor after David had let her out, we get mad at her again, we go to get me a Georgia liscence and wait in line for 45 minutes only to find out that I needed either my passport or birth certificate, I get mad and start to cry, David goes to a meeting, I go back home only to find that McCartney has escaped from her kennel, chewed on things she's not supposed to, pooped on the floor again, I get mad at her and she goes back to the kennel, I go to my meeting-exhausted by now, come home and suddenly McCartney is being an angel, but has to go out every 20 minutes (at least she let me know), I proceed to cry, and finally, McCartney falls asleep and I can finally get started on my homework.

Why do I fret the small stuff? Philippians 4:7 has been on my heart a lot lately: "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I need God's peace something wicked<-- once a Northerner, always a Northerner. It took me until about 4:00 today to actually stop and pray. It always occurs to me "too late" to do this. Why is this the case? Why do I not immediately turn to the Lord in prayer? I am just so desperate for the Lord's peace and rest.

My mind doesn't slow down these days. David and I get married in 2 months and 19 days- so lots of wedding planning. Classes are approaching their final module, which means lots of work due in the next couple of weeks. Job potential is just sitting out there and I am waiting patiently for an answer.

I just need some rest. Lord, give me your rest.

In His Mercy.

I Sit and Watch

2008-07-08T14:40:00.002-05:00

...as time goes by. It has been almost a month since I have last written and a month and half since I have moved down to Georgia. I can't even articulate what I have been doing. The brief update of my life is this: I finally unpacked my stuff, David and I are getting a puppy within the next couple of weeks, I went on my first vacation in about 11 years, and my parents are coming to visit next week.

I've had some intense "omg" moments in the past couple of weeks. This whole wedding ordeal is hitting me little by little. 101 days- or 3 months and 10 days. The first set of shower invitations have gone out and the wedding invitations have been ordered. Things on our registry are starting to disappear. All this is going on and last night it culminated with me crying in David's arms about missing my family. The day I marry David is the day I have officially separated myself from my family in some major ways. This is big.

I'm not scared or having any doubts. In fact, quite the contrary. It seems like everyday I love David even more, to the point where I wonder exactly where the human heart's capacity to love with God's love actually ends. It does say in Ecclesiastes (I think it's Ecclesiastes) that God has put eternity in the hearts of men. Is the ability to drink so deeply from God's well of endless love what this is getting at? October 18th will quite possibly be the one of the happiest days of my life. I am so anxious for our day to come. We set the date 10 months ago and time seems to have flown. But yet, 3 months and 10 days seems like forever and a day away. But for now, I constantly thank God for the man I have in David....

In His Mercy.

Georgia Heat and Gully Washers

2008-06-12T15:57:00.002-05:00

It has been almost three weeks since I have moved down to Georgia and a lot has been going on in my life. I have only just started to unpack, partly because of procrastination and partly because I felt unsettled in my heart. I unpacked a few of my boxes the other day and it was almost therapeutic. We've put up some new curtains in the house and done a little cooking in our kitchen- it's these little things have gotten me so excited for October 18th when I marry David and move into our house with him.

I've also got wedding plans on my plate. It's amazing how quickly everything piles up. Detail after detail bombards me and while I am trying to enjoy all the planning, I wish there was an easy button.

And then there's my three online classes. Two words as of week two of them: not fun.

But the Lord is teaching me some things. One is the importance of just knowing Him. It would be impossible for me to know myself if I didn't know the Lord. Another thing I have been learning is a renewed sense of trust- there are so many reasons why I need to trust the Lord right now! I need to trust that I will settle in just fine with time. I need to trust that this long engagement is for a reason. I need to trust that even though times are getting hard and the economy is not exactly "pastor friendly" that God will provide.

I am so blessed to finally be here with David. I am so excited about this adventure that I am on!!!

In His Mercy.

Moving Day

2008-05-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was part one of moving day. Rudy and Starr came over in the morning and between them and David and I, all my stuff was on the uhaul. Another hour past that and all the cleaning was done. It was a glorious thing to take that key off my key ring and leave it on the table inside the apartment.

Last night, David looked at me and I just started to cry. Moving has been way more emotional than I expected. I feel as if I am starting completely over at square one. I won't have my family, or my friends, or the kids from my job or my church, or the comfort of the classroom. I'm moving to Georgia, finishing school online, getting married, and finding a job next year. Growing pains are no lie. I'm in a place where I have to let go of what's been comfortable and move into a place that is unknown, yet exciting.

I'm ready for it. I love David and can't wait for October 18th. Now is the time to just trust the Lord. He has brought safe thus far, and I know He will lead me on. But that doesn't take away the fear of the unknown. I think this summer will be exciting, as I finally get to fall into a rhythm with David. We have been dating for 13+ months in a long-distance relationship. I am looking forward to how God is going to begin to use the two of us in ministry- together!

Today is part II of moving day. We are Georgia-bound!

In His Mercy.

5 Months

2008-05-18T09:21:00.002-05:00

Five months from today is David and I's wedding!!! It's hard to believe that we're down to five months. We set the date back in early september- 13 months ahead of time! Eight months have passed and although it seems like it's still so far away, we have come a long way! I'm looking forward to October 18th- the day I marry the man I love=)

I move in six days!!! Moving week is finally here!!! I am so filled with excitement about this that I don't even know what to do with myself. I just have one more paper in between me and getting out of here. There is a lot of trusting that I have to do in the midst of all this. But, a lesson in trust is always a good lesson for me!

In His Mercy.

Greener Grass

2008-05-14T13:09:00.003-05:00

Today was my final Mentored Ministry class. We were talking about how to deal with those difficult people who make being in ministry tough- ya know....the ones that make you want to run towards the hills! But then our prof shared this little saying, which amazingly I had never heard: The grass isn't greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it.

This quote rolled around my head all through class. It's so true. No matter where we are in ministry, the grass always looks greener on the other side. But in reality, we have spent so much time trying to figure out why their grass looks so much greener that we have forgotten to water our own. This could potentially revolutionize the way that Christians minister. There's always going to be those weeds that we cannot uproot, but we certainly can water our grass anyway.

And lo and behold, Jesus tells us that He is Living Water- now that's the kind of water I want to water my ministry with!

In His Mercy.

C'est la Vie

2008-05-09T09:56:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I have nothing to say, yet everything in the world to say. I am 15 days away from moving to Georgia. Crazy, right? I am in a place where my time at Asbury is coming to an end- at least the campus part- and a new chapter of life is getting ready to begin. And let me tell you, in all honesty, I am a mess right now. One day I'm fine. The next day I'm indifferent. And then, with little warning, a rush of emotions comes pouring out. Then I go to bed, wake-up, and feel fine. Poor David....having to deal with this;-)

But seriously, I was sitting around this morning, drinking my coffee, and trying to figure out what is so hard about leaving Wilmore. Wilmore is not exactly my favorite place. I realized it's not so much Wilmore, but the experience I have had here. I have a handful of close friends that I have to say goodbye to. I had to say goodbye to the kids at church on wednesday- some of them have been there the whole two years I have volunteered there! Next week I have to say goodbye to the precious kids I have nanny-ed for the past 2+ years. I'm dreading that. God has given me some incredible opportunities here these past 3 years.

So while I am letting go of a lot, I am getting to move towards a life with a man I love so incredibly much. David is probably the greatest blessing in my life and DEFINiTELY the best thing that came out of Asbury for me=)

Here I go....I'm diving deep.....

In His Mercy.

Daughters and Needs

2008-04-25T08:21:00.002-05:00

So Wednesday night was yet another stressful night at the church. Don't get me wrong- I love those kids and I love being there. But the stress? That's another story. A frustrating thing happened on the bus with kids before we even got to the church. Some of the older boys love to yell out the windows of the bus. Try as I may, they won't stop. Wednesday night was the final straw. We had pulled into the apartment complex to pick up a slew of our kids. We were parked there and lo and behold, the yelling began. I started hearing things like "Hey girl! Can I have your number?" Ok, these boys are in elementary school!!! Well, all of the sudden they start shutting the windows and sitting down and getting really quiet- very suspicious. This girl's father had climbed over the fence, walked over to the bus, and started telling the driver how we are supposed to be a Methodist church and every week we pull in and those boys start yelling at his daughter and he doesn't think a church should be acting like this. He's absolutely right. My heart sunk in that moment because this is exactly why there are people who are so skeptical of Christians. I also felt horrible because I had all but given up on trying to get those kids to listen to me. This ends next week.....

I also wanted to share the following quote from a book I am reading called The Marriage Builder. "When by simple faith I accept Christ's shed blood as full payment for my sins, I am brought into a relationship with an infinite Being of love and purpose who fully satisfies my deepest needs for security and significance. Therefore I am free from self-centered preoccupation with my own needs; they are met." I must have read this quote about 20 times over and over again. This is a very honest word that I need to hold onto. I am ridiculously in love with my wonderful fiance, but he can't be my everything. The Lord is my everything and only He can fulfill my deepest needs!

In His Mercy.

Random Collection of Thoughts

2008-04-19T10:12:00.003-05:00

A lot of random, theological discussions have occurred between my friends and I over the past few weeks. The one that pops into my mind at this moment is about this man from the pacific northwest who is pregnant. By now, I'm sure most people know the story, but here's a quick re-cap: he was born a woman, was a model growing up, but decided that she felt like a man. She started to take testosterone, had some re-construction surgery (got married before all this) and then decided "he" wanted to have a baby- good thing "he" kept "his" ovaries.

So Oprah had him on her show a few weeks ago. The most disturbing thing "he" said was that he always felt that he wasn't "supposed to be a woman." This really, really bothered me. As someone who has a strong grasp on my identity in Christ and what it means to be created in God's image, I cannot accept someone saying that they feel like they weren't supposed to be a woman. If they weren't supposed to be a woman, then God would have created them to be a man. Starr, Rudy, and I got in a discussion about how the church should deal with issues like this. It's something to think about because the reality is that with today's medical procedures, it's pretty easy to accomplish sex changes or any other cosmetic changes. So the question remains: What is the church's role?

Think about it.

In His Mercy.

And the Beat Goes On

2008-04-09T07:49:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how crazy life can feel. I'm only taking three classes this semester, but yet find myself scrambling to get things done. I came back from Spring Break on Monday only to realize that I had two assignments due this week that somehow slipped through the cracks. So, I had to take care of that.

Last week David and I went up to Connecticut for 5 days to wedding plan. We got a lot done. I think our run-in at Bed,Bath, and Beyond to do our registry pretty much sums up my life right now. We were standing in front of the wall of kitchen utensils and I got so frustrated and overwhelmed that David and I had to work through some tension. Kitchen utensils....that was my downfall.

I guess I just feel like Wilmore at this point is old news. I'm tired of being here and I'm tired of this whole long distance thing with David. He is what matters most to me (After the Lord, of course) and I can't even be in the same state as him.

The good news is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to see it. In a little more than a month I'll be packing up my stuff and heading down to Georgia. A line from a Waterdeep song keeps coming to me: "Though the world moves like mad, you O Lord are faithful." Praise God that He is a rock I can stand on and His promises are true!

In His Mercy.

One Year

2008-03-22T16:11:00.003-05:00

Easter is tomorrow. This year I've been invited to have Easter dinner with the family I have nanny-ed/ baby-sat for for the past 2+ years. Last year on Easter I felt very much alone. My roommates were gone, my family had just left from their visit, my grandmother's cancer was spreading, and I hit rock bottom as far as being single is concerned. I finally got to that point where I said, "Ok God. I don't like it, but I'll accept it. I know you know my deepest needs, so provide for those, not my own selfish desires."

Here I am a year later. My grandmother has since passed on to be with the Lord. I miss my family, but feel a special bond with them none-the-less. And not only did God provide me with an amazing man one week after my Easter meltdown, but one year later I sit here as a happily engaged woman to the most wonderful man in the whole entire world=)

I have a lot to be thankful for. God has been so good to me. Yet I sit here, feeling a bit empty and out in limbo. I just feel like I'm done here in Wilmore. I am itching to get out. I am itching to move down to Georgia. I am longing for David and I's future together, if that even makes sense. In some ways, I feel stuck in a place that frustrates me. I love what I do ministry-wise and I love the education I'm receiving, but as far as this place, I feel a bit disenchanted.

Tomorrow is Easter- the day Jesus rose from the dead! I'm longing for the Holy Spirit's touch right now. I feel a bit dead inside and want the Spirit to raise me up again. Easter may not be the best option for a "quick fix," but I sure am glad that Jesus was brought back to life! I know that nothing can rob me of the joy I have inside and I trust that I am going through a season right now. But tomorrow I will go to church resting in the greatest truth there ever was, is, and will be!

In His Mercy.

Faith

2008-03-13T12:13:00.002-05:00

"We live by faith, not by sight." -2 Corinthians 5:7

Walking by faith is something that God has daily been reminding me of. About a week ago, something was "dangled" in front of David and I that quite honestly left me with a good taste in my mouth, despite the uncertainties of it all. I played the "what if" game and started dreaming of how our lives would look different.I admit that an ungodly confidence infiltrated my heart and I was sure that I knew what was going to happen.

But then God reminded me that I am to walk by faith, and not sight. Easier said than done. This summer will mark a new chapter of my life when I move down to Georgia, into David and I's house, and await the arrival of October 18. Let me tell you something, I have to walk by faith. Here I am, already in a place that I never would have imagined myself to be in(Kentucky), about to move even further away from my Connecticut homeland. God has blessed me in some crazy ways. I'm truly excited to see where God is going to lead David and I in the coming months, years, and decades together=) It's going to take some hardcore faith, but praise the Lord that He is so much bigger than you and I!!!

In His Mercy.

Room at the Inn

2008-03-01T13:32:00.004-05:00

Last night I volunteered with Room at the Inn. This is a homeless ministry that area churches in Lexington participate in for the winter months. Food and shelter are provided for homeless men. I signed up to cook dinner with one other person, which also meant serving dinner to the men and eating with them. I did this last year and was extremely nervous about the eating part. What do I possibly have to say to a group of homeless men? The same went for this year. Cooking dinner was fine- despite the fact that I am a cook in the making=) But it was eating dinner that I was nervous about.

Shortly before heading over to the church, I was on the phone with David expressing to him my concerns. His advice: be yourself and don't feel like you have to say anything- the reality is that they probably have wealth of wisdom that I simply don't have. So I head off to church with a simple prayer in my heart- Lord, please help me to be myself. Dinner was cooked, the men were served, and I finally got up the nerve to grab my plate and just sit down at the table. After a few minutes of silence, the man sitting across from me opened the door for conversation. We probably talked for a good 20 to 30 minutes. He told me personal things about being homeless- not specifically why he was in the situation, but the general gist and how he wanted to move forward. I felt the Holy Spirit at the table with us and I encouraged this man to continue forward and to hold onto the hope that we don't have to live in our pasts. He asked me about why I was in Kentucky and what I wanted to do with my life. As I got up to go help with the dishes, he stopped me and encouraged me. He expressed to me his gratitude that I had a passion to work with kids and encouraged me as I continued forward with this ministry goal.

It was an incredible night. I walked out of church last night with such an excitement overflowing from my heart. The Lord taught me an important lesson last night. He reminded me that He uses the weak to guide the strong. I don't think I have strength, but society would see this man as the weak one and me as the strong one- if only because of economic status. But the truth is that I probably received more that I gave last night. The Lord also reminded me that we should be excited about our participation in Kingdom service. I'm so grateful that the Holy Spirit prompted me to sign up to cook dinner last night! Truly for me it wasn't about the actual food we cooked, but by the spiritual food that that homeless man gave to me without even realizing it...

In His Mercy.

Ironic?

2008-02-17T09:09:00.002-05:00

I had an interesting experience yesterday. For one of my classes, a portion of my grade is based upon my organization and upkeep of a 3-ring binder that contains all of the class material for the semester. Our grade on it is dependent on the quality of our personal notes and how meticulous we are in our filing. Well, I sit down to organize my notebook with all the handouts and notes I have from the first week of classes. I looked proudly at my creation and started flipping through the syllabus to see what I needed to read and write for Tuesday. Lo and behold, what do I find? A page in the syllabus informing me of exactly how to tabulate my notebook. I had done it all wrong. Of course, I get a "little" frustrated. I mean, I thought that I was a detailed person, but I've got nothing on this professor.

So, David calls. I vent. Call the class stupid. Kick around my stupid binder for a while. Go write a paper. And then come back to that darn binder. As I re-labeled everything and re-filed all my papers, God did something quite unexpected. God began to fill me with an excitement about the class....and even the stupid binder! He reminded me that even my "stupid class" is an opportunity to worship Him and that He has a lot to teach me. So ironically, I actually am excited about the class and having this notebook which probably will turn out to be a great resource.

Oddly enough, compiling that notebook yesterday was a spiritual boost. It was a reminder to me of the many blessings in my life- the least of them not being the fact that I am privileged to receive an education. I'm very content with life right now. At the end of the day, I know Who loves me most, who loves me the "next most" =), and who my friends are. Life is good. God is better!

In His Mercy.

Reflection in the Cross

2008-02-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

Wednesday nights for me are spent at church with the kids. And I love it. It seems that God really teaches me a lot through my work with the kids. Kids' simplicity can be so profound!

This past wednesday night, one of the little boys, whose probably about 7, was hanging around band practice- his mom was the drummer this week. He walks over to the gold cross on the altar and is looking into it. The worship leader says, "look, you can see your face in the cross." This little boy keeps looking and simply smiles. It made me stop and think. We should all see our reflection in the cross. When I look at the cross, I first off see my sin. I see my brokenness and the sin i my life that lead for the need of the cross. Then I see, second of all, Jesus' broken and bloodied body hanging there, as a penalty for my sin. But lastly, and most importantly, I see the redemption and hope that Jesus offers through His atonement. And to me that is just amazing. As this 7-year-old made me realize, we are all reflected in the cross. God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness shines through that brokenness hanging there on that old, rugged cross. What an awesome truth!

In other news, I just had a great worship time cleaning our kitchen here in the apartment! I turned on some old Crowder Band, turned it up, and scrubbed my little heart out, tearing as I realized just how deeply I am in need of Jesus. I also learned in this moment that I truly am my mother's daughter=)

In His Mercy.

Monday through Saturday

2008-02-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated for a while. January was a whirlwind of a month. I had my 3-day class from the 7th to the 9th. After taking the exam and writing my paper, I went down to Georgia to be with my fiance for two whole weeks=) The crazy thing is that in the 9 1/2 months we've been together, we have never spent that much time together. It was such a blessing. Now I'm back in Kentucky dealing with coming down from the mountain.

Sunday at church, Aaron shared a comment that Maggie had made about how Sunday is not the most important day for her spiritually. This has been rolling around my head for the past couple of days. It makes sense. We as a Christian society tend to put Sunday up on a pedestal and exalt it above any other day. The fact is, there are 6 other days in the week. It is easy to be a Sunday Christian; it is much harder to be a Monday-Saturday Christian. That's when our faith is really put to the test. Do we worship God in our schoolwork? Our meetings? Our conflicts? Our relationships? In all the ordinary things in life? What do we do when we are faced with the opportunity to share Christ's love? Or to serve the poor and marginalized? Or do we avoid these situations at all costs? Sunday, spiritually speaking, is the easiest day of the week. Monday through Saturday are much harder.

At graduation 2006 here at Asbury, one of the speakers said to always question the easy road. Maybe it's about time we started questioning the ease of Sundays....

In His Mercy.

Grace

2008-01-14T07:56:00.000-05:00

So I haven't written in several weeks, not because I had nothing to say, but because every time I sat down to write, I blanked. I don't know why. The remainder of my Christmas was great- filled with wedding planning and turning 25=)

God has been teaching me a lot lately. One of the things that He has placed on my heart is grace. By this, I mean not only to say that He continues to bestow grace on me, but He's been teaching me about grace. Due to things going on in my life, He has reminded me of the countless number of times that He has given me grace and spared me from certain situations. Somehow, I had managed to turn a blind eye as I processed through things. Yesterday in church, Aaron spoke about God giving us grace (and peace). All of the sudden, it all clicked. Why this truth didn't click before yesterday, I don't know. It seems to simple, yet profound and enormously complicated to actually put into practice- God gives us grace, therefore we need to extend grace to other people. We have a responsibility to to be gracious to others.

We sang a contemporary version of Charles Wesley's "Arise, my Soul,Arise" yesterday in church:

Arise, my soul, arise,
shake off your guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice,
in my behalf appears;
Before the throne my Surety stands,
Before the throne my Surety stands,
My name is written on His hand

My God is reconciled;
His pardoning voice I hear;
He owns me for His child;
I can no longer fear
With confidence I now draw nigh,
With confidence I now draw nigh,
And "Father, Abba, Father," cry.

I love this verse. Wesley knew his theology that's for sure. But I can have confidence in my Abba. I can approach His throne knowing that there is surety. What an amazing thing to think about. Praise God for His grace!

In His Mercy...

Flickering Flames

2007-12-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Last night was my last Christmas Eve at home for a while. Everything seemed a bit more...."magical." Every last detail was like a warm cup of coffee- perfect to the last drop. I was there about 30 minutes early to practice my solo, so Pastor Rick had me light the candelabras that lined the sides of the church. As I lit those candles with wreaths splashed behind them, something in my heart clicked and it felt like Christmas to me. It truly felt like Christmas- not that church in and of itself was the answer to achieving the Christmas spirit- you have to have ears to hear. It was as I was lighting those candles that I heard Jesus whisper, "Rejoice! Your King has come to you!" I savored every moment of that service.

From the carols, to the special music, to the interpreters (we have a crowd of deaf people that come to the service), to the kids' smiling faces, to the final candlelight hymn, I will truly miss this church next year. I grew-up in this church- I was baptized there, confirmed there,became a Christian there, and next October, I will be married there=) Every detail of he past 25 years are carefully etched into my heart. I'm ok with this being "the end" for a while. Right now, I am rejoicing that it's Christmas! The King has come!

In His Mercy.

Christmas Time

2007-12-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

This Christmas season has been very unique for me, and will continue to be. It's been very emotional- but with me, this probably isn't too big of a surprise! Thursday I helped pack David up. Although his memories there go further back, I have some memories buried in that house on Akers as well. As I walked back to David's room over and over to bring boxes out, I kept having this vision of this past summer. He had come up for a couple days to visit and I had come over to his house the instant he got there. I burst through his front door, ran down that hallway towards his room, and jumped into his arms. It was sad packing up his stuff, knowing we'll be apart next semester...

So I got home on saturday. After dinner, mom and I decorated the tree. It's tradition. Mom and I both ended up crying, knowing that this was the last Christmas for a while where we would be able to decorate the tree together. Although it was hard, I'm so excited for the blessings that God has given me in David. Next year, David and I will be married, in our own place, decorating our own Christmas tree and starting our own traditions. I can't tell you how excited I am for this!

This Christmas season is a season of transition for me. Not only am I enjoying my time here with my family for one more Christmas, but I'm longing to be with my fiance. It's our first Christmas together, and yet we're apart. But praise God for his blessings and his faithfulness. For even though I'm learning to let go, there is still so much to hold on to in Jesus!!!

In His Mercy.

Almost Done

2007-12-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

I learned a very important lesson about ministry Friday night. I think that I had myself convinced that because I am young, I can wear myself down all week, get a descent night's sleep for one night, and be good to go. Either I'm getting old or this theory of mine needs some tweaking- I'm going with the latter. I had my family fun night on Friday night. I got to the church at 1 in the afternoon to go shopping with Melissa for food and decorations and then back to the church to set-up. By the end of the night, I was exhausted-partly from not getting enough sleep that week and partly because in the midst of it all,I didn't eat anything. Aaron walks up to me at 8:30 and says, "I can't wait for you to plan a couple more next semester!" My only response in that moment was to cry. Seriously, I just started to cry. This was just one event. Being in full-time ministry is more demanding than that! It made me realize the importance of having a regular schedule when I get a job. God reminded me that ministry is not only theological and biblical, but it's practical as well.

If there's one question that God has been asking me lately it's, "Why aren't you going deeper with me?" Well, God, I don't know. I want to. I desire to. I NEED to. My heart is crying for that something deeper. I'm so hungry and thirsty and I don't know whether I need to feed myself or go and get fed. All I know is that I need to go deeper. I want to feast, not just nibble. I want to drink so much that I'm overflowing. I want to stop with this spiritual snacking....

More love, More power
More of you in my life...

In His Mercy.

Redemption

2007-11-23T14:10:00.001-05:00

I was thinking Wednesday night, as I was trying to calm myself down from the excitement of the day, that getting engaged was in a way a redemption. In the moment that David said, "Will you marry me?" and I said yes, God brought full redemption to the brokenness that I once had. I really struggled with being single. I wanted nothing more than to get married and have a family of my own. It was a desire that was so deep in my heart and I got to a point where I was tired of people saying to me, "God wouldn't give you these desires if He wasn't going to provide for you." Well, how was I supposed to know whether these desires were from the Lord or my own selfish desires? I can't tell you how many times I cried out to God, praying to be ok with being single. I finally got to a point where I had a deeper understanding of being satisfied in the Lord alone and that is exactly when the Lord gave me David. And 7 1/2 months later, David got down on his knee and proposed. That was the moment when I realized that God had redeemed a heart that had been broken. He redeemed the despair I felt for so long.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season. A wonderful fiance. Friends who love me and want what's best for me. A church family to share in my joy. Ministry involvement that crazy enough, is a nice study break for me- no matter how loud and crazy those kids get! I have a family that loves me and supports me unconditionally and has raised me well. My parents have shown me in their own relationship what a marriage is supposed to be. And most importantly, I have a deep joy in my heart that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the living Jesus Christ.

In the words of Edwin McCain, cheesy but so true:

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

In His Mercy.

Engagement!!!!

2007-11-21T16:30:00.000-05:00

So, my big news is that David proposed to me about 2 1/2 hours ago. I said yes!!!! We're ENGAGED!!!!!!! It was a very sweet proposal. I took David to see the church that we're going to be married at. HE took me over to the piano in the sanctuary and asked me to stand at the corner near the keys. He sang to me the song "Make you feel my Love," which is the song we are going to dance to for our first dance. Then he told me how much he loved me and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, with many tears and threw my arms around him. After composing myself a little, he put a beautiful solitaire stone on my finger.

I am overjoyed right now. I can't even put into words my emotions and thoughts. I am just the happiest girl in the world!

So yes, October 18, 2008 is the big day!!!

God is so good!

In His Mercy.

Dancing

2007-11-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

First off, go to the myspace homepage, click on the music option, do a search for the indie artist Elisa, and listen to the song "Dancing" on her page. It's incredible. It gave me goosebumps. It's amazing how music can have such an effect on people...But yeah, not why I'm writing...

Yesterday in my moral development, an Augustine quote came up in conversation. It goes something like, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." I love this quote. I had to read the source this came from in Church History and I remember stopping and re-reading the quote several times. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to go back to when I didn't know he Lord. There's no way I could do it. I have tasted and seen how good the Lord is and there is no way I could live my life apart from Him. Without Him in my life, I would be a wanderer, with no place to go. No vision. No direction. No rest. But my heart has found rest in the Lord and that is such an amazing comfort.

Life is good. The semester is nearing a close, which is a blessing. God is certainly moving and answering prayers. David and I had an amazing conversation that just brought such joy to my heart. I almost can't believe the blessings in my life. I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness in providing for me exactly what I need when I need it.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above...."

In His Mercy.

Growing Pains

2007-11-09T11:51:00.000-05:00

I realized today what an interesting phase of my life I am in. It's funny, because starting about half-way through college, I thought a lot about marriage. At that point, marriage was a smooth transition. There would be no inbetween phase where I would have to let go of my parents and lean on my husband. I think that this problematic thought process existed because I had no context for marriage. Now I find myself in a place where I am getting professional degree, I am 850 miles away from home, and in a committed relationship. My thought process has chnaged and so has my heart. It has been hitting me hard lately that I need my parents in a very different way now. I'm learning how to lean on David and to need him- in healthy ways of course. It's a hard process to face there evidently is an overlap phase where I'm still holding onto my parents with one hand and the other hand is holding onto David. This causes a lot of tension for me. I am the baby girl in my family, so to have to let go is painful. I was telling David last night that I really feel like I am processing through growing pains that happen at this stage of life. It's hard, but I'm so excited to see how God is going to continue to move and birng David and I's hearts closer and closer together.

This morning I met with my group for my discipleship class. We have a group paper to put together. I was kind of dreading this paper because group papers can be disastrous. It is a daunting task to integrate 5 different papers into one. But as we sat around going over our papers and talking with one another, I felt empowered. I don't know how else to describe it. It made me excited about our paper. It made me excited about ministry. It's amazing how God can come down and say, "Sarah, get over yourself. Stop stressing out over these things. This can work. I can work even in situations like this. And right now, I want you to see how blessed you are to be able to discuss ministry with other passionate people."

So yes, I am in an interesting phase of my life right now. And I am so blessed. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. I love the ministry opportunities I have been given. But most of all, I love how the Lord is moving!

In His Mercy.

Dreaming

2007-11-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

So yesterday in church the sermon was on prayer. One thing that really spoke to me was how when we can't sleep, we should pray because maybe God has something to tell us. I went to bed last night with a million things zooming through my mind. So of course, the tossing and turning ensued pretty quickly. So I prayed. I asked God to reveal to me the things I was seeking after. I asked him to help me get through the rest of this semester and to help me balance my time bettter. I don't remember actually ending that prayer, so I guess the Lord granted me sleep. So....I prayed my way to sleep. I prayed for the stress to be lifted, and what happened you may ask? I dreamed of my stress. I dreamed that all of the free time I had and all the mornings I had to sleep in were gone. People (that I don't even know) kept calling me and asking me to babysit and I just kept saying yes. The part of me that figured out I was dreaming kept screaming to me "nooooo! Stop saying yes!!!" So what do I do with this? I prayed myself to sleep after asking the Lord to relieve me of my stress, and I dreamt of stress. Not exactly settling. I don't quite know what to make of it all. I mean really, it almost seems cruel to me.

But yet somehow there is still this central part of my life. It's the eye of the storm that the Lord keeps bringing me back to. Even when I feel like I'm getting swept away in everything else, God whispers to me, "I am your center. I am all you need. More than you could ever want. I'm your supply. I'm your life. More awesome than your finite mind cn even wrap itself around." So at least I can say that my center is still there and I can recognize it. And even though the end of this semester will be bitter-sweet, I look forward to being able to fill the prescription Aaron gave me: read fluffy books, watch movies, and stay in my pajamas most of the day. 5 more weeks....

In His Mercy.

Cloud of Witness

2007-11-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

So on thursday, our chapel service at school honored All Saints Day.As part of the service, they have us all stand in memory of alumni who have passed on. Then they have all of us sit and those who have lost loved ones in the past year have the opportunity to stand and honor their lives. My first two years here, I have to confess, my heart was not "in" this. My mind would wander and it almost didn't make sense to me. But this year I stood in honor of my grandmother who passed away on August 17th. As soon I stood, I started to cry tears that I didn't know I had. Suddenly it all made sense to me. My grandmother was an amazing woman of God. She was so full of love and faith in Jesus and she has now joined the great cloud of witnesses that Hebrews 12 talks about: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." My grandmother has run the race and I have to believe that she is cheering me on each day as I run my own race towards Jesus Christ.

I feel like God has given me water to drink. I sat at the rail today in church and just breathed a breath of life. There is so much going on that wants to suffocate me and take away God's presence, but I can't let that happen. For the first time in months, I actually can see the edges of the wilderness. I'm making my way out and God is offering me the Water of Life. So I'm drinking it up and it is GOOD!!!!

In His Mercy.

Feeling like Job!!!

2007-10-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

So I'm making my way through Job right now. I read a few chapters this morning and it got me thinking. I observed that Job and his friends spend about 30 chapters or so complaining. They question God and Job laments over ever being born. I noticed that God was not part of the conversation and my immediate questions was, "why?" When God DOES respond, He does not respond by being defensive or giving Job and his friends a point-by-point counter argument, but he points to creation. His main point was that if we cannot even understand the intricacies of his creation, then how are we to understand the ways He chooses to move in our lives?

Sometimes I feel a lot like Job. I was talking to David last week about waling in the desert. I feel like I have been walking in the dessert since June. Between the dying and death of my grandmother, being in Wilmore, and trying to make it through the summer in my house, I felt stranded in the desert. God's silence weighed heavy on me and I struggled to trust that he was walking with me. A new year at Asbury started and here and there God brought me to a stream in the desert and I was able to drink and quench that thirst in my heart. Here it is, the end of October, and I have to admit that maybe now, I am walking somewhere between the promised land and the desert. I can sense that I am slowly making my way out of the desert and I am recognizing that God has carried me through a lot.

So yes, I did feel like Job for a while, wanting to make all the bad stuff go away and to somehow figure out God's ways. That I can never do. I guess in my observations of the book of Job, I began to wonder if when all we can do is lament about being in the desert, does God purposely remain silent? Does He sit there, drumming his fingers and rolling his eyes, wondering when we'll just shut-up and listen? I think that it's quite possible that when we complain instead of being still before the Lord, that God just lets us complain and waits. I've realized that I need to wait. I need to wait and be still and listen. When God places me in the desert, it's because He wants to force me to trust Him. He wants to see if I can just keep my mouth and wait.

Ok God, I get it. I'm waiting. I'm listening.

In His Mercy.

Prayer

2007-10-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

Prayer is something that has been on my heart lately. Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting off in my littl nook in my bedroom, no music, no noise, and a heavy heart. I told God I had no idea how to pray or what to pray. I just felt like something was missing in my prayer time. The funny thing, God has been teaching me about prayer in unexpected ways. I had always said that intercessory prayer was not my gift. Now that I am seeing this in writing, I realize how ridiculous this may sound to some people. Anyhow, I have found that some of my most powerful prayer times in the past few weeks have been the times I have prayed for other people- for my roommate, for David, for David's sister, etc. I feel the Spirit moving through my words- or should I say God's words? Then I go to pray by myself and after praying for the obvious, I am left with a blank mind that can't think of a single thing to pray for. What is that all about??? Maybe God is trying to show me that there is power in prayer in numbers. But still, something is missing here for me....

I love that verse in Romans about how when we don't know how to pray, the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. What exactly are these groans? I stumble over my words, but somehow God in his omniscience understands the graons of the Spirit. I guess the moral of this story is to rest in the promise that God knows my heart. He knows me with a depth I will never even be able to know myself with. Maybe prayer is supposed to be a mystery.....

In His Mercy.

Pride and Prejudice

2007-10-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

David and I had an interesting conversation. It started with President Bush. We both agreed that because he's our preseident, we need to support him. Granted, I didn't support Bill Clinton, but excuse me if I think a husband should be faithful to his wife- but that's another story in and of itself. See, I may not agree with all the decisions that Bush has made, but he hasn't completely shattered by belief that he has the ability to lead this country.

So then our conversation moved to how America has this underlying pride. America thinks that "the West knows best" and because of this, I think that there are parts of this world that truly resent us. Understandable, I suppose. I then made the comment that the consumerism in America is a huge hindrance to God's work. All the stuff we have makes it hard for us to truly have faith that GOd can move mountains and calm the raging seas. After the tsunami of 2004, one of the students at my college told stories of God's power at work. He was from Sri Lanka and his father is a pastor there. He told us how a pastor stood on the steps of his church and as the waters came towards him he said "in the name fo Jesus Christ, do not come near this church" and amazingly, the water split and went around the building, leaving it undamaged by water. Does that not blow your mind? The next question I would ask is when was the last time you saw this happen?

The sad thing is that consumerism has covered our hearts with a blanket of comfort. I'll be the first to admit that I have a hard time working outside of my upper-class frame of mind. I grew-up in wealth and have never known what it's like to be in need. I have to believe that there is a reason God placed me in the environment that I was in. But yes, sometimes I have toruble seeing past what I have always known. But I can tell you that I can see enough to know that there are about 40 kids in my life that need to be loved. I believe with all my heart that God has given me the awesome responsibility of being Jesus to these kids, who have come to know poverty, drugs, and abuse as the normal way of life. This is not ok to me. These kids have opened my eyes to so much and showed me that yes, I can work outside of my box. I have to be and honestly, I want to.

Switchfoot has an amazing song from about 4 years back called 24. Here are some lyrics from it:
I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

I DO want to see miracles. I want more than just a feeling or a cause. I want the dead in me to be raised to a new life with Christ because lets face it, we all have "deadness" in us that only God can bring life to. And He wants to and that's the most amazing part of it all. God is just waiting for us to hand him the reigns of this consumer-driven society and he's just waiting to bust out some miraculous, mind-boggling things. Are we ready for it????? "I want to see miracles, see the world change...."

In His Mercy.

What You Want

2007-10-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

You're softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
And I want you just like a hole in my head
But I need you like a meal and a bed
And you say, "Come on, I'm not what you're after."
But I know you're not just anyone, anyone

(chorus)
But I'm not what you want
No, I'm not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone

And you're an army in a horse
And you have taken me by force
And all the freedom in this world could not resist
The sweet temptation of your sweet elusiveness
So I say "Come on!" as the gate swings open
Cause I know you're not just anyone, anyone

(bridge)
And the lie's always cheaper than the truth
But the lie's all I've ever known of you
Maybe none of this is true

This is a song by Caedmon's Call called "What You Want." I was listening to this song this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. The line I love is "And you're an army in a horse and you've taken me by force." I thought of when I became a Christian. Jesus rescued me from a dark pit, one where I thought I had all the answers in the world, but came to find out that I didn't know a thing. I had nothing to call faithful. I had nothing to call true hope. And then Jesus stormed into my heart and took me by force. He told me that he was THE answer, that He was faithful, that He had an abundance of hope and love and grace to show me. And I let Him. Jesus doesn't NEED me by any means, but he wants me and that gives me a reason to be somebody....

I am so blessed. Everything in my life is gift of my gracious God. He's not just anyone....

In His Mercy.

Creation

2007-10-03T10:10:00.001-05:00

An interesting debate was sparked in doctrine class yesterday. Unfortunately, we didn't have the time to really resolve the issue or give it the attention that it maybe should have been. We were talking about creation and our mandate to care for creation. Someone raised their hand and said the most important thing was that we are giving Jesus to people. Someone else responded that that can be dangerous because we can become arrogant about evangelism, so we shouldn't think that we have to evangelize people. Here are my thoughts.

One, the issue of the environment needing to be cared for over and against the need to care for other humans. I was in college about 3 years ago when that massive Tsunami hit Sri Lanka and other countries. About two weeks later, we had a chapel service where it was discussed. A professor got up and went on for about a half hour on the poor sea turtles that were now in dnager because of all the flooding. Excuse me??? The sea turtles??? To make matters worse, there was a student who was from Sri Lanka and he was disgusted by this chapel, as he sould've been. Forget the turtles, what about the PEOPLE???? When all is said and done, I think my top priority would be the people, not the animals. Not to say that the environment is not an important issue. It is. But there's a time and a plce for worrying about it.

Two, we are called to evangelize. But, if we aren't willing to provide for the physical needs of other people, then we souldn't bother evangelizing. Telling a hungry person that "man cannot live on bread alone" is probably going to fall on deaf ears. How about giving a hungry person some food and saying, "taste and see that the Lord is good."

Three, to say that we shouldn't worry about evangelizing and that we shouldn't think "we have to share Jesus with this person because otherwise they'll never hear about His name" out of fear of arrogance might be a little extreme. Yes, humility should be a huge factor in this, but if we adopt this "I'm not even going to go there" attitude, then we are in danger of ignoring the Great Commission altogether.

Really, all of these issue need to be held in balance and perspective with each other. Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

Forgiveness

2007-09-27T16:14:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness is always a hard lesson to learn. Lately, I have found myself on both sides of the forgiveness spectrum. By this, I mean to say that not only did I need to extend forgiveness, but I needed to ask for forgiveness. In the first situation, I guess I adopted a mentality that attempted to bodly proclaim that since it was out of sight, it was out of mind. But it wasn't out of mind. Rather, I think it was "out of heart." I almost wanted to confront the situation head-on so that I COULD have real anger, frustration, and sadness. As it is, I feel like I went through the motions of the emotions- almost as an obligation. I find it hard to forgive in a situation that I'm physically separated from. But yesterday, I told the Lord that I officially have extended my forgiveness. After all, the terms of forgiveness have to be God's, not mine!

And then there's the need to seek forgiveness. This is hard- it's a big blow to pride and egos. And I admit that sometimes I struggle with pride. But I confess here that I needed forgiveness these past couple of weeks. I needed it bad.And yesterday I got it. It meant seeking forgiveness with this person and seeking forgiveness from the Lord.It's never an easy conversation to have. But, it is a testimony of God's love for me and this person's love for me. I think my struggle with apathy these past few weeks was because of the fact that I had forgiveness issues to resolve. I had to make things right in my life. Something inside of me knew that I couldn't fully come to the Lord when there were things that I was holding onto- white-knuckled at that. Te truth is that the Lord knows everything anyways, so it shouldn't be hard to just come out and say it. who are we kidding when we think we can hide from the Lord?

So yeah, apathy can be bad- but forgiveness is always good! Life is pretty busy right now. Right now, I am finding it impossible to do every single thing that needs to get done. Somehow I have to learn to prioritize and to realize that sometimes things have to be left undone. Someone once said that in ministry, you feel like you never actually "finish" anything. I think seminary can speak to that=) So I go on with my life now, knowing that I am free to forgive and be forgiven and knowing that I am loved by the best people on earth!

In His Mercy.

The Presence of God

2007-09-13T13:27:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling pretty apathetic towards things lately. It started out as apathy towards a specific situation and then became general apathy. I felt like I was trying to give from nothing, worship without the heart, and trying to feel things when really I couldn't. Today in chapel Pete Greig spoe about prayer. Pete is British and began the 24/7 prayer movement. God's anointing was truly on him as he spoke passionately about prayer. In my head, I thought about how much I want a passionate prayer life, how much I want to be a prayer warrior, how much I want to just be in God's presence without worrying about having to be somewhere or do something. I just want to be and I want to BE with God.

During the last song we sang before the official benediction, I tried my hardest to fit my heart into a space it seemed to be resisting. Complete apathy. No emotion. JD gives the benediction and Matt starts to lead those of us who wanted to stay in "All Who Are Thrirsty." That's when the tears started. First a tear down one cheek. Then one down the other. and then the floodgates opened. I have a couple of reactions to this experience. First of all, let me say this: the presence of God was there. God was there. God graced us this morning and it was good.

I realized that there is a depth in the human heart that we couldn't possibly comprehend. There is a depth of pain lodged in my heart that I can't even begin to understand, but felt the effects of today. I know I have some forgiveness to deal with. I know I need to find my peace with God. But I also know that I am hurt. But God's visit to Asbury this morning was yet another reminder of the promises of God: that he gives us streams to drink from, a banquet to eat from, a hope to lean on, a faithfulness to trust in, and a love that feeds us daily. Wow. That's all I can say: WOW.

I also realized that perhaps God was moving among us to call us to a deeper prayer life. Maybe there was a reason why we all stayed in Estes today. I want to hear God's voice in this. I honestly do want to go deeper. I don't want to be satisfied with where I am now. I want to go deeper. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And only God can fill me up...

In His Mercy.

It's Raining Blood

2007-09-06T13:46:00.000-05:00

Chapel was really good today at school. Shane Bernard (of Shane and Shane) led worship. This in and of itself was amazing=) Jd preached about humility and the "spirical" nature of worship. When he blessed the bread and the cup for communion, he had us raise our hands. Well, being an introvert, I sometimes get uncomfortable with people telling me how to worship. Something that I actually have thought a lot about and prayed a lot about in the past year is the idea of being free to worship. Worship is a form of freedom that we have here. At any rate, I stood there with my hands raised and in my mind I had this vision of Jesus' blood running down my fingertips and covering my arms. I felt the Spirit embrace me in that moment and I was filled with such a peace. What a powerful thing to know that I washed by the blood of Jesus!

Life is good right now- really good. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed by my semester right now, but life is still good. I moved into my new apartment on Monday, which is such a blessing. I feel like I can relax after a tough summer. I have found myself in moments of complete gratitude for the friends I have and the people I am surrounded by. I am reminded daily of the love of my Savior. That love is expressed to me through my incredible, patient, caring boyfriend. Seriously, it is only by the power of Christ's love that David could possibly love me like he does=) I'm just full of joy right now=)

In Christ's Mercy.

Butterfly Blessing

2007-08-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

The afternoon before my granma died, my mom saw a huge, beautiful monarch butterfly flying around her car. It's not very often that you see this in Ct. When my mom told me this, I knew- don't know how, but I did- that my grandmother's time was coming. Apparently, people who have had very full, long lives have trouble "letting go" of their life. So when I heard about this butterfly, I just knew that things were ending and my grandma was going to be given new life. As sad as it was, that new life was the best thing for her. Her last week of life on this earth was not at all ideal.

I flew back into Kentucky yesterday. As I was sitting on the curb of the airport terminal, waiting for my ride, a huge monarch butterfly flew directly at me. I mean, I literally thought that it was going to fly right into my face. For about 10 minutes, it just flew around me. It's been a long time since I have seen a butterfly that big and that beautiful. Again, I thought of new life. This summer has worn me down emotionally, mentally, and in some ways spiritually as well. But, I finally feel like everything is being given some closure. Moving day is fast approaching. David comes back in 5 days. And I know that my grandma is finally at peace. As I watched this butterfly, I felt like God was reminding me that everyday He infuses me with new life.

Praise God for butterflies.

In His Mercy.

Learning to Breathe

2007-08-25T17:44:00.000-05:00

This past week has been draining in many ways. Monday was the private burial and memorial service for my grandmother. It was a whirlwind of emotion and many tears. It was definitely strange to see the casket, ready to be lowered into the ground next to my grandfather. It brought back memories of being 7 years old, trying to comprehend that my grandfather was buried under the mound of flowers and dirt that I stood by.

Then David came here tuesday to meet the family- he passed the test=) And it was so nice to spend some time with him here in CT. We went to Boston, played mini-golf, met some family friends, and drank Dunkin Donuts coffee. Life was good.

Today we finished cleaning out my grandmother's apartment and now finally, I am able to just sit and relax. Isn't that what's supposed to happen on a "vacation"?

It seems like everything is coming together now. The stream in the desert is in sight. The hard part with grandma is over. I'll be moving this week into my new apartment and in one more week, David and I will be together again! I am more than grateful that this summer is almost over. It's been trying, and even though I have yet to figure this out, I know that God was forming me and growing me somehow. I trust that that will be revealed in the future! But for now- it's done and over with and I am still in one piece=)

In His Mercy.

Feeling Trapped

2007-08-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

Ok,so this is probably going to be a complaining entry, but so be it. If I don't rant right now I'm going to go out of my mind. Summers in Wilmore are not my thing. This is my second summer in Wilmore and honestly, I want to jump out of my skin. Granted, it's been a stressful summer for many reasons, but I guess I feel a bit trapped right now. I'm trapped in a house with mice,ants, and an anxiety-producing atmosphere. I'm trapped in a town that is worlds different than what I am used to. I'm trapped in a sadness that can't go anywhere yet. I'm trapped in boredom and lonliness and frustration and stress and lack of sleep and all I want to do is yell and scream. I want to speak my mind, but at the same time know that sometimes speaking my mind may not be the best option. I just want out. I want normality and routine and the stress that only a seminary semester can give me.

I was telling David the other night that I am craving newness and a fresh start. That's the only way I can put it. I am craving a new environment with new opportunities and and even new stresses. The stress I'm dealing with now is getting to be too big to hang onto. And perhaps I should never have tried to hang onto it. God is probably whispering to me at this very moment to let it go- give it to Him and hold onto the hope that has been right there all along.

I am excited about what my future holds. I am blessed by my present, despite anxiety, stress, and sadness. And, I can learn from my past- even from these past 3 months.

Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

At Home with Mary and Martha

2007-08-15T11:32:00.000-05:00

After reading David's blog yesterday about what "home" is, a few things started to pass through my mind. My thoughts alternated between home and the Sabbath and the story of Mary and Martha. Here was my flow of thought:

My first year at Asbury, a student spoke about our only true home being at the communion table with the body and blood of the Lord. And really, this is so true. These past 6 years of undergrad and grad school have meant not having a permanent home. Therefore, our only home can be at the Father's feet. This made me think of the story of MAry and Martha....

Mary sat down at Jesus' feet and listened to Him. Martha ran around, keeping herself busy, and eventually complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her with the preparations. But Jesus told her that Mary had chosen what was better and that wouldn't be taken away from her. I started to think about how maybe God didn't intend for us to ever be so busy that we don't have time to just sit at His feet and listen. But often that's exactly what happens.

Taking a Sabbath is so important. I've had a deeper understanding of this this past summer as I've observed what David goes through. Why is it so hard for us to just rest and take a Sabbath? I mean really, when we're constantly on the go we crave time to kick back and put our feet up, but when we do that all we can think about is everything we have to get done. Essentially, Jesus told Martha not to even worry about stuff like that. Jesus wants us to stop and sit and listen.

Random thoughts- still trying to make sense of them all myself.

In His Mercy.

The Rollercoaster of all Rollercoasters

2007-08-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

So I spent about a week waiting for something to happen- waiting for something to DO in this "quaint" little town of Wilmore. Well, ya know the old saying, 'be careful what you wish for'? It's true. Be careful what you wish for. I went home this past week because of less than ideal circumstances. I've spent the summer going through box of Kleenex after box of Kleenex and it all culminated in a memorable moment this past week.

It's a humbling thing to see the cycle of life played out before your eyes. To hold a baby in your arms on the one hand and to have to help your grandmother get up off the couch on the other hand is two sides to the same coin. Life is framed with dependency on other people to get by. If only everyone were blessed enough to have people by their side right up to the very last moments.

I go home in another week- as originally scheduled and planned. And let me tell you, the circumstances will be even less ideal by that time. This all began on Easter Sunday when the whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks. The Lord sent me David just 5 days later. It looks like by next weekend, it will all be over and lo and behold, David will be by my side just in time. The Lord certainly knows what He's doing- tears and pain and all.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, yet completely dried out at the same time. I have no idea what to think or feel or say...But I do know that I am grateful that I do not have to walk this path alone...

In His Mercy.

Sweet Mercies

2007-08-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

In my grumblings of the woes of summers in Wilmore, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of hope and joy in my heart. It's situations like the one I am in where God is preparing to do something amazing and I woke up this morning with an excitement in my heart to see what that is! It's in Isaiah 43 where God says "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." I guess- in all honesty- I have felt in these recent weeks that my heart is a spiritual desert right now. I'm waiting to be fed, because I'm hungry and the good Lord knows I am at a loss right now. I have no idea what he wants to do with me right now, but I'm here waiting. And I know without a doubt that God is doing a new thing in my life-even now. And he will continue to do a new thing in me and one day, when I'm not even expecting it, He's going to reveal to me what's going on. I will be given a new understanding and I'll be able to see the way in the desert and drink from the stream in the wasteland.

I am so grateful for the Lord's sweet mercies and I rest in the promise that every morning holds. See, the Lord is doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it????

In His Mercy.

Tiny Dancer

2007-08-02T20:39:00.000-05:00

To me this summer has been about being stuck in a place I don't want to be. It's amazing how being in a relationship can reveal things to yourself that maybe you don't want to see. For instance, I always knew I was an impatient person, but I see it even more so now. My impatience seems to be springing from feeling stuck in Wilmore in a house that has lost its charm to me, when the man I love is 6 hours away from me. and the thing is, I am obviously where God wants me to be and David and is where he needs to be and we are where we need to be. If that wasn't the case, God would have provided a different path for us. So how do I deal with the tension of knowing things are how they should be and being impatient with where I am right now and where David and I are???

Maybe it's time to do some serious reflecting and processing. There is always something to be learned. I long for a new phase to come- one where I can move into my new apartment and get a fresh start. But, somehow I need to figure out how to accept where I am right now. The Lord always has a better plan than I do; maybe I just haven't taken the time to seek what that plan and purpose was and still is for this summer.

So to those I've hurt along the way- I am sorry.Please join me in my quest to seek the Lord's purpose in all this....

Summer Lovin'

2007-07-23T11:15:00.000-05:00

I've written a couple of times about the kids I work with at church. It seems that every time I am around them, it gives me something to reflect on. Friday was another Family Fun Night to wrap up VBS week. I was taking a volleyball break and one of the girls comes running up to me, throws her arms around me, and says "Miss.Sarah I missed you!" I thought to myself that it had only been 24 hours since she had last seen me, but then began to think about how maybe kids have a lot to teach us about love. The thing abut kids is that they see right through facades and they truly are great judges of character. This girl has seen me reprimand other kids and she has received some stern talks from me as well. But yet she still came running up to me to give me a hug and tell me she missed me. That kind of innocent, pure love is so beautiful. Kids often respond to adults with unabashed love just because those adults chose to share their lives. As adults, maybe we've missed something. Love so often becomes a chore, or it's used to manipulate or control, but a child's love is so simple.

I wonder if the love of a child is like God the Father's love for us. Does God yearn to throw His arms around us, and tell us He has missed us when we've run off in embarrassment after doing something wrong? Maybe we need to love the Lord like a child, just like we need to have the faith of a child to inherit the Kingdom. ....

In His Mercy.

Random Ramblings

2007-07-12T18:58:00.000-05:00

Prayer request: My grandma is not doing so well. She was diagnosed with cancer back in November. It has since spread and her health is declining faster than we originally thought it would. My mom and her sister have already been discussing funeral plans with her and I have been asked to sing at the funeral. My grandma has yet to really realize how sick she is. It's been really hard on my mom and aunt and me, for that matter. PLease pray that my grandma would find a peace in the Lord in this and pray for my family as we discern what to do from day to day. Thanks...

Something that I am also still trying to process through is David and I's experience with prophetic prayer a week ago. We met up with a couple that Davd knows in Memphis and before we all parted ways, we prayed together. The wife started praying for me and asked God to continue to foster my gift of intercessory prayer. Well, this made my mind, considering that I always struggled in my prayer life. More specifically, I struggle with praying with people. Well, when Allison was praying this over me, my mind just started spinning. Maybe my "struggle" has more to do with my own insecurities and not a matter of God not gifting me with prayer. I think that when I know that I'll be praying with other people, something inside of me freezes up and I immediately start planning out what I'm going to say. Really, this is not what prayer should be. Prayer isn't about the words we say, but the heart behind them and the Spirit inspiring them. Anyway, my experience with this prophetic prayer was very powerful!!!

I need prayer, guys. My heart is heavy with family things, things that I know I have to face in the very near future, and holding on to the peace that David and I have together when we're apart- sometimes long distance just plain sucks! But I love him, and I trust that the Lord will continue to move us forward and bind our hearts together.

In His Mercy.

Love Part Deux

2007-07-05T14:35:00.000-05:00

I've written a lot about love lately, mostly because love is just on my heart<3 I've been thinking about how godly love is in the context of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. When the relationship is right, then it's only because of God. It has to be. I look at what David and I have and pretty much, I don't think we could possibly love each other if it wasn't for the Lord being the center of our lives and the center of our relationship. If something that powerful wasn't binding our hearts together, I don't think we would make it. And to me, that is a beautiful statement about what we have.

I read this verse a couple of days ago that I want to share: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." (Psalm 33:22) When I read this verse, the image that came into my mind was a blanket completely covering me. God's love rests on our hearts and is so powerful that it begins to course through our veins. It holds us together, if we let it. Because of God's love, we are able to love ourselves, our families, and the people around us. As long as David and I let God's love rest on us and bind our hearts together, then we'll be ok. And to me, that's a beautiful thing=)

In His Mercy...

Heavier Things

2007-06-30T14:29:00.001-05:00

NO,this entry is not a tribute to John Mayer.

Yesterday was the day of heavy things. I found out two pieces of news, one right after the other that drained me. I had no energy to do anything, but I forced myself to go for a drive and run soem random errands that had to get done. I feel like these past 6 months have been such a challenge- if it wasn't one thing, it was another. I keep waiting for life to get easier, but it doesn't and I guess it's not supposed to. Isn't that what being an adult is about? Don't get me wrong- my life is good. All the fancy words in the world couldn't describe how amazing my life is- so I'll settle for "good." I have amazing support systems in my life, people who carry my burdens with me and are there for me.

So back to yesterday. I had volunteered last Sunday to help out with a family night that was last night. Well, I didn't want to go becase of how much the day had eaten away at me.I called Melissa (children's pastor) to see if it had been called off because of weather, but it was still on. I sucked it up, turned on some worship music, and drove into Lexington. It's incredible how God works. Those kids have a way of lifting my spirits in such a therepeutic way. David and I talked about it when I got home and he pointed out that that is just how God created me. Despite the fact that I had three elementary school girls painting all over my face and despite how they stained one of my favorite shirts because of it, I still went home with such joy in my heart. God has created me to have a passion for loving kids and ministering to them and I am honored to do so!

Life may be about the heavier things right now, but my God is faithful and He will carry me through...

In His Mercy.

Walking the Line

2007-06-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking about the difference between dependence and interdependence. There's a fine line between the two. Dependence can be a very dangerous thing.In fact, I honestly think the only one we can ACTUALLY depend on is the Lord. God made us to be dependent on Him and not on each other. However, before you start raising eyebrows at that last comment, let me qualify that statement by saying that God DID create us to be interdependent with each other. We are to bear each others burdens, not let people dump their problems on us or dump our own problems on other people. We are to encourage others, but also recognize that there are boundaries that we need to have in order to keep our own sanity. We are to utilize our gifts and abilities in order to build the Body up, while at the same time leave room for grace and forgiveness because sometimes we mess up and let people down. We are to give and receive. Dependence often becomes a one-way street, but interdependence is a two-way street. It's more about equality.

An example of this I see in my own life is my relationship with David. We are our own people. We understand who we are apart from each other, but at the same time we have a profound sense and understanding of who we are together. We have areas of our lives that our are own, but yet we still share those things with each other. I know that I still crave my independence, but all the same, I crave the interdependence that David and I have in our relationship. It's a mystery to me. It's God's grace- the coming together of two lives- one from Georgia and one from Connecticut.

I think that we all struggle with dependence at one point or another. We walk that fine line between healthy interdependence and unhealthy dependence. What counts is what we do about it- will we make that tough decision to take the steps needed to break that dependence? Or will we choose to stay in that dependence and ultimately hurt ourselves? I've been in those "dependency situations." I ended up just hurting myself and eventually I realized I was not being kind to my friends. I took the steps needed to be a whole healthy person.

In His Mercy...

Love

2007-06-19T16:19:00.000-05:00

In my UM Theology class this morning we talked about love. We talked about how true, sacrificial love is a reward in and of itself. Sacrificial love actually hates recognition. It reminded me of a friend of mine's sermon in chapel last year. She talked about how it is impossible to truly love other people with human love. Human love is so limited and in a sense, an illusion because it runs out. It only loves when the person FEELS like loving. But true, godly love never runs out. It loves depsite emotions. It loves selflessly, not expecting anything in return. Because God IS love, it just can't run out. When we love others with the love of the Lord, it is essentially perfect love; it is love being drawn from a fount that will never "run out" of love. What an amazing thing to think about!

And speaking of love....I have to say it...I am in love and I want the whole world to know! I am so full of happiness and joy and thankfulness to the Lord for providing for me! I love you, David Anthony Wofford!!!! And I don't care who knows it;-)

At The Cross

2007-06-16T10:49:00.000-05:00

While Jan was fulfilling her altar ministry commitments last night at Ichthus, I had some quality alone time to people watch and reflect on the speakers and artists. I won't mention the name of the speaker because what I'm about to say isn't very positive. I felt like the speaker spent more time talking about how HE had impacted people, and not how GOD had impacted people THROUGH him. Yes, God's power was mentioned and it's awesome how God has used this person to reach people, but he came off as slighty self-centered to me. However, at the end of his talk, he had people stand who were in need of prayer. People around them stood in solidarity with them and put their hands on their shoulders as a reminder that God has not forgotten us. Off to my left was a group of middle school girls standing in a circle, arms around each other, praying. It struck me and brought tears to my eyes- that is such a powerful image and I sincerely hope that they realize what a precious gift moments like that are. For some reason it reminded me of my senior year of high school. My senior year pretty much stunk because of things going on in my life at the time, but God's grace was so obviously present. When I got accepted into Gordon College right before Christmas of '00 (early decision; the only school I even applied to), my mom and I took a trip over to our church. I sat in the dark sanctuary at the foot of the cross with tears streaming down my face. God was so faithful and that was very real to me in that moment. My acceptance was the light at the end of the tunnel; it was God's redemption of my whole 4 years of high school. HIgh school doesn't bring back too many happy memories for me....

On a side note, I was more impressed with BarlowGirl's worship leading than the speaker. Talk about 3 women with such a voice for the Lord, especially at Ichthus where it is clear that a word of purity needs to be spoken to the females of my generation and the next. Btw, I got to meet the Barlow girls and get my picture taken with them=)

God is faithful and God is a God of grace and mercy. He is MORE than enough for me.

In His Mercy.

I Will Wait

2007-06-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

I had a very vivid dream the other night that struck fear in me. I forced myself to wake up and then felt too anxious to go back to sleep; I was afraid of having the same dream over again. After thinking about it all day yesterday and talking about it at leangth with David, one word sums up the dream: anxiety. I don't think the dream was from the Lord, but rather an act of Satan, warring against the goodness of the Lord in my life. Regardless of the message of the dream, David was right in saying that I need to receive God's peace in this. There's a lot of things tht my mind races around, but I see now that I need to stop.....and wait.

I was listening to Jason Upton- he has a song called "I will Wait." This verse got to me: An evil army's all around me/ another wall that's in my way/ but I believe the Word you promised me/ So I will wait another day. What is this word exactly? "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength (Isaiah 30:15)." In the Christian walk, there seems to be a great tension between receiving and trying to earn our salvation, or deliverance, or blessings. The fact is, we can't earn anything from God. He owes us nothing, but we owe Him everything. But it is in our repentance, rest, quietness, and trust that we receive strength and salvation from the Lord. God has promised us HIs peace and deliverance, but we need to wait for it. How ironic is it that it is in rest and quietness that we receive? Aren't those the very things that are "dis-valued" by this world?

Somehow we must push past these tensions and wait on the Lord. He has promised us and He will follow through.

I will wait for you, Lord....

In YOUR Mercy....

C'est la Vie

2007-06-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest, despite the negative in my life right now, I love my life. God has blessed me so abundantly. His grace has worked in me so much in these past 2 years in seminary. I've grown to love myself and embrace some sense of self-confidence. He's thrown me into a ministry that I love (Children's ministry at church- I absolutely love those kids), given me the motivation to put my heart into my school work, taught me in a tangible way what it means to rest in Him as His daughter, and blessed me with a man who cares about me more than I imagined anyone ever would- someone who sees me and fought to win my heart. I am so ridiculously happy and filled with joy.

But oh how quickly the devil is given a foothold. Spiritual warfare is so real. It doesn't take much to let Satan right in. I feel a bit of that warfare in my heart right now and I'm fighting it. In a perfect world, I'd be able to make everyone happy, be in two places at once, and know the right things to say at the right time. No opportunity would be wasted. But the world is not perfect and all I can do is keep calling on Jesus Christ and trusting that He will deliver me.

In His Mercy...

Memorial Day

2007-05-31T21:02:00.000-05:00

I went to the Memorial Day parade with my parents in my hometown this past monday. During the parade, they had two fighter jets fly overhead a couple of times- pretty low, too. It gave me goosebumps. As I watched 3 hummers go by with military police inside, I was struck by something. Most of the men and women in the hummers were around my age and younger. It was in that moment that I realized Memorial Day has taken on a more significant meaning for me. The Iraq war is really the only war that has such a huge impact on my generation. Sure, there was the gulf war, but I was about 9 when that ended. I was too young to understand the implications of war. But the Iraq war, that's a different story. I know people who have been killed. I know people who have served in the war or are currently serving. While my view on war is complicated, nevertheless the troops need our prayers and support. As I sat watching that parade, it just struck me how big this war is. In my opinion, it's going to be a long time before peace is established. Did people really think it was as simple as going in to Iraq, killing the terrorist, turning their government into a democratic one, and then pull out? Of course it's not that simple! The tie between government and Islam is deeply rooted in the Iraqi land. Of course this isn't simple and of course the war is going to go on for quite some time. How long has it been? Over 5 years? I wouldn't say I'm an extreme pacifist, but I do think that maybe the U.S. government should have re-thought how they were going to handle this situation a little bit more before acting.

At any rate, we can pray. We can do whatever it takes to support our troops and what they are standing for. They are fighting for this country and we need to support them, whether we agree with the war or not. We can also pray for the Iraqi people and the Afghani people and everyone who is being affected by this war. Pray for peace, for God's power to reign supreme. Just pray....

Not my Yesterdays

2007-05-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

One of my guilty pleasures is watching reality shows like The Bachelor and American Idol. Jordin Sparks won American Idol this season-she deserved it! One of the songs she sang for the finale had a line that went something like "I am made of more than my yesterdays." I think that this is a very true line. I always get very nostalgic when I spend time at home. I was looking throug my high school year book the other night and reading over all the notes people wrote to me. "Call me next year," "Keep in touch," "make sure you come back and visit," "Best friends forever"! Were we that naive at 18 years old to think that life could stay the same? Did we really believe that our best friends at the time would be our maid of honor and bridesmaids in our future wedding? Were our boyfriends really "meant to be"? Was it really true love? Was the world really ours to conquer?

6 years later I know that none of these things are actually true. My best friends are not anyone from high school. "True love" is very different as a 24 year old than as an 18 year old. While I do think the world holds potential for my future, I've also witnessed how the violence of this world can physically consume people from my past (i.e. Iraq). I've learned from my yesterdays but I am so glad I am not made of them! I'm glad that I am not who I was back in high school.

I have this awesome picture tucked into the front cover of my Bible. I cut it out from a church bulletin sometime last summer. It's a picture of God's hand with a person standing in it with a ray of light illuminating that person. When I first saw it, it just struck me. It is a perfect illustration of our dependence on God for our very lives. We literally are living out of the had of our gracious God. It reminds me of a verse from Psalm 145 that says that God opens his hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. That's it- He opens his hand and we are satisfied! Now that is a powerful God!

In His Mercy...

A Place in Time

2007-05-19T20:40:00.000-05:00

A year ago I was in such a different place. I was depressed, hated myself (literally hated myself), and thought starving myself would solve my problems. Society tells women that if they lose those extra 10 pounds, then life will be peachy. It didn't take me long to realize that this was not the case. Not eating made me more unhappy and the thing is, I may have dropped a few pounds, but as soon as I started eating normally, those few pounds came right back.

It was at the end of the semester a year ago when I realized just how deep my hurt and depression was. For 4 1/2 months I sought the affirmation of others, dealt with my depression by eating-thus the extra weight, and turned around and decided that cutting my calories in half was the best answer. Go figure- all it did was bring me back to square one. I decided I needed to do something about everything- be proactive, get help. So I did, and God's mercy is so sweet. His love is so deep and His redemption was the very grace my life was craving a second taste of.

A year later I am in a much better place. I've lost over a pants size, simply by living a healthy life. I've learned to appreciate all the friends that I do have and just like my relationship with the Lord, this means trust. I may mess up or do stupid things, but at the end of the day I rest my head knowing that the Lord still loves me and calls me His child and my friends still love me- quirks and all. I've learned to appreciate who God created me to be-HIs daughter, a woman with deep passions, dreams, emotions, intelligence, beauty, and tons of personality! I don't say these things with vanity, but rather to state that I know who I am.I appreciate what I have to offer. I love how God has created me.That's a huge step from where I was last May.

And last of all, God has blessed me with David. He came out of nowhere and moved into my heart.He is an example of God's grace in my life. David came after God filled my deepest need-to know who I am, to be sure of my identity. And that I am-I am nothing apart from Jesus Christ. So now, David and I can run towards that cross together!!

Caught up in the Whirlwind

2007-05-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

So I'm home in Connecticut for the next week and a hlaf. I feel like this past semester was all about being on the move and trying to stay on top of all the work I had to do. So it's nice to be home, just me and the dog for a whole week, thinking about and processing through the past 4 1/2 months. This could take a few entries=) Today I had to go to the mall. Inevitably, I forgot to pack some things and unfortunatly, it meant a trip to the mall on a rainy day- all I wanted to do was stay in, watch tv, and enjoy my Dunkin Donuts coffee. I had to drive all the way across town and it was as if the first 18 years of my life passed by my eyes. I passed by my middle school, my high school, the high school hang outs, etc. It's weird knowing that life has taken me places that I never would have imagined, but that this town was where I lived for my whole life before I went off to college and then grad school. I feel attached to this town, but somehow so utterly DE-tached at the same time. I have no idea if that even makes any sense.

So apparently this was not a "process my semester" entry...but I guess I haven't processed anything yet...

My praise for this week: seeing God's grace and mercy so tangibly played out in someone else's life. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!

In His Mercy...

Crazy for You

2007-05-11T10:07:00.000-05:00

God often speaks to me through people and yesterday he spoke to me through David- my wonderful boyfriend=) He held me in his arms and whispered to me, "I'm crazy about you." I immediately thought about how God the Father must hold us in arms and whisper to us, "I'm crazy about you!" What an amazing thought to know that God created me in His image, delights to love me, and is absolutely, totally, completely crazy about me. The truth of my identity of being a child of God is something that God has really spoken to my heart about this semester and He has made it more and more real to me each and every day! I can't imagine being anything other than a child of God!

and a plug for People Magazine from this week, which is actually probably off the shelves at this point- but it had an article in it about the mother of someone who I graduated from high school with. He was killed in Iraq on mother's day of 2005. The article profiles his mother and the mother of the guy who is buried next to him at Arlington Cemetary. If you have access to this issue, you should read the article. It's a great article!

In His Mercy.

Loving our Enemies

2007-05-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

So on a whim last weekend I bought People magazine. It had an article in it about Virginia Tech. I was reading it and 2 things caught my attention. First, it was talking about how the campus was dealing with this tragedy and apparently on one of the greens, there is a memorial consisting of 33 stones- one for each student that was killed. It then went on to talk about how 32- yes, 32- balloons were released in memory of the students who were killed. Um, why is there discrepancy between the stone memorials and the balloons that were released? Oh right...because apparently the shooter was not included in the balloon release. This really bothered me. The article said that it was student who added a stone for the shooter as part of the memorial. Good for that student- I think that is a good example of what it means to love our enemies. I was really dissappointed in the fact that a balloon was not released in memory of the shooter.

I am certainly not saying that what happened was acceptable. What I am trying to do is stir up a little compassion and godly love. I can't imagine the despair and darkness that the shooter was living in that would cause him to commit such an act of evil. But even the most depressed person living in the worst despair we could ever imagine needs some love in their lives. Releasing a balloon for the shooter may seem like a minor detail that doesn't really matter, but when you really think about it, it has deep implications of how our society views forgiveness and love. It may be hard to forgive someone who does something like this and it may be hard to love them, but God says to do it. If God says it, then do it. It's times like these that our character can be built and formed into the likeness of Jesus Christ....

In His Mercy.

Family

2007-04-30T09:10:00.000-05:00

I think one of the hardest things for me to handle with my involvement in children's ministries is seeing the brokenness in the family that accompanies it. I was talking to my parents yesterday about a certain situation that I had encountered this week in regard to brokenness in the family and I found myself in tears. I just cannot understand it. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot accept the fact that there are kids being beaten, who are told that it's "for their own good." It is NEVER acceptable to beat a child, or anyone for that matter. But of all the people to beat, to beat a child seems senseless and evil. I nanny a few kids and when I spend time with them, I just can't imagine ever laying a hand on them. I love them with all my heart. They are so precious.

Abuse in the home seems to be cyclical. When you tell a child that it's for their own good that they are beaten and that they are loved, well those are pretty mixed messages, but that child automatically is more suseptible to becoming an abuser. It's an ugly cycle that needs to be broken. Kids need to know that it is NOT OK to be beaten.

I propose that ministry HAS to be to the family, and not just the child. If we are just ministering to the child, then we are missing out on a very important component. If we recognize the severe brokenness in the child, then we almost have to assume that there is severe brokenness in the family- whether that is physical abuse, or emotional/mental abuse. Therefore, ministry needs to start with the family. If the family unit is broken as a whole, then how is that child ever going to be ok???

Just some things on my mind....

God's Delight

2007-04-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

So right now I'm reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I was reading the other day about how each individual is an expression of God's delight. his really struck me. It's amazing to think that God delights in me, and in everyone else. He didn't have to create us, but he did. And here I am, God's delight. What an act of love and grace. There are so many things that I do that I know God doesn't delight in, but God delighted to create me and that is no small thing. In a way, this obligates me to love myself. I'm at a place where I can honestly say that I do love myself. It wasn't without a lot of tears and struggle with Satan that I got here. But by God's grace I've learned to see the good in myself.I don't say this with arrogance, because I believe that it's hard to love the Lord and/or our neighbors when we don't love ourelves.If we don't see ourselves as being made in God's image, then how will we see others as being made in God's image???

Another random thought. Yesterday in chapel we sang an old school Maranatha song- "I will never be the same again." I love this song and it brang back a lot of memories yesterday. Right before I left for college 6 years ago, I gave my testimony at the church I grew up in and I sang this song to close my testimony/sermon. If there's one thing that needs to be understood from a life that God has redeemed, it's the idea of transformation. It's a life that is sold-out to Jesus Christ, making HIM the center of everythng. Life simply can't be the same and given the choice, I wouldn't want my life to be what it was before I became a Christian. I can't imagine not having this love, grace, mercy, comfort, etc in my life. I can't go back.There's just no way I can. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and I will never be the same again...

In His Mercy.

Emotions Gone Haywire

2007-04-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

I think that being an emotional person is a gift from God. I've had people- in the past- tell me that I'm "too emotional." What exactly does this mean? That I can't control my emotions? That too much emotion is a bad thing? That God made a mistake when he made me emotional? I'll admit that there have been times when I've let my emotions get the best of me. If there is one thing that God has taught me about being emotional, it's that emotions can be used for good or evil. But really, God wants me to learn how to keep my emotions in check and use them for His glory.

That being said, I hereby confess that thursday's post was an example of a time when my emotions got the best of me. I used vagueness and anger to make myself feel better, but really I feel awful about the whole thing. So to the person that "sparked" that entry, I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry for being emotional, but I am sorry that I let my anger get the best of me, when all along God wants my best....

In His Mercy.

Great Jehovah

2007-04-19T13:34:00.000-05:00

Guide me, o thou great Jehovah
Pilgrim through this barren land
I am weak, but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful hand
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven
Feed me till I want no more, feed me till I want no more

Open now the crystal fountain
Whence the healing stream doth flow
Let the fire and cloudy pillar lead me all my journey through
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer
Be thou still my strength and shield, be thou still my strength and shield

When I tread the verge of Jordan
Bid my anxious fears subside
Death of death and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side
Songs of praises, songs of praises
I will ever give to thee, I will ever give to thee

We sang this hymn last night during band practice at church. I love this hymn. It was another nudge from God that it's not about me, it's all about Him. Right now I'm angry. Maybe upset or hurt would be better, less harsh words. I'm just tired of being treated as if my thoughts and emotions don't matter. I'm tired of avoidance instead of confrontation. Is avoidance a lie? Because confrontation is the truth. I am weak, but my God is mighty and He is the strength inside of me. I see myself as a strong person because of the Lord inside of me. I can handle the truth because in the end, the truth is always better than a lie or avoidance- however you want to look at it.

I love this hymn because of its imagery: the crystal fountain, God as my strength and shield, feeding me the bread of heaven, being led by the fire and cloudy pillar....Whatever life throws at me, my God is bigger than that. Satan can't knock me down when I'm calling on the name of Jesus Christ.

Your love is all I need...

In His Mercy.