The wait is over!

My last post was about 10 1/2 months ago- all about waiting. Little did I know that 2 weeks after writing that post, my wait would be over. Let me back up to three years ago: 3 years ago, David and I began our journey to start a family. We were so excited, but after a year of trying with no results, we reluctantly went to a fertility specialist. Not being able to find anything wrong, my doctor arbitrarily put me in the category of "infertile" and told me that I only had a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own. I was devastated. David and I were trying to get out of debt and therefore did not feel comfortable  investing money in fertility treatments. We believed that God had promised us children and that He was bigger than a statistic. 

Another year passed with no pregnancy. In my prayer life, I wrestled with God and tried to make sense of why we were walking through this valley. God eventually gave me a greater peace and instead of praying that we would get pregnant, I began to pray that God would send us the children he wanted us to parent, however that looked. I still struggled to wait, but life was about to change.

On July 27, 2012, I ran to the store and picked up those dreaded pregnancy tests that had only disappointed me in the past. I just had a feeling that it was different this time, and I was right!

David and I rejoiced and thanked God for answering our prayers! We celebrated with our families that night and began our pregnancy journey. I ended up being way more of a nervous nelly than I anticipated I would be. It was only compounded by the fact that at about 4 months, I started to bleed on a Saturday night.

Terrified, we made our way to the emergency room. I couldn't help but think, "God, why would you make me wait all that time only to take this baby away from me?" We prayed for our sweet baby at the hospital and were overjoyed when the ultrasound revealed a strong, beating heart. A follow-up appointment on Monday revealed that I had partial previa and that we were having a girl!

The pregnancy continued on as normal and at 40 weeks, we scheduled an induction. Baby girl was comfy and did NOT want to budge. I went in on April 10, 2013 at 41 weeks.

Our sweet baby girl was born that evening at 8:42 pm. Meet Eliana Elizabeth:

It was love at first sight! We brought her home on Friday, April 12th. She is not almost 8 weeks old and has grown so much!

Eliana means "My God has Answered." It is the most perfect name to tell the story of her very existence. When I look at her, I am reminded of what a picture of God's grace she is. The process of bringing a new life into this world is nothing short of God's miraculous, creating power. The wait for us was hard, but well worth it! We love you, Ellie!

In His Mercy.

Waiting Here For You

I turned on my Hillsong Pandora station this afternoon while I set about to accomplish a few chores and Christy Nockel's song, "Waiting Here for You" came on. The lyrics were enough for me to stop what I was doing and reflect. I've talked about waiting before on my hardly ever used blog, but it's one of those lessons that I have struggled with. I've had a really hard time finding God's holiness in waiting. I am almost ashamed to say that. 

I've had a lot of waiting periods in my life. In my depression several years back, I spiraled into a place that was so ugly and only God Himself could have pulled me out, and he did. But, I had to wait in that ugly place for Him and only then could I recognize His faithfulness, love, and grace. When I longed for a husband and didn't see one in sight, I had to wait in an uncomfortable place, but God met me there. And now I have been married for close to 4 years to a wonderful husband who I am so in love with. I could go on about those waiting rooms, but who wants to hear about all that ugly stuff?

My point is, that God is holy even in my pain, even in my waiting. God waits with me and stirs my heart and my passions despite my selfish desires for things to go my way. Just now, I sat down and wrote a poem for the first time in 5 1/2 years- I used to write all the time. God is slowly laying out pieces of the puzzle of my life and letting me see how they fit together. I am in awe of God's faithfulness and love in this moment. He always brings to fruition His perfect plan and I expect no less than this time around.

I'm waiting here for you, Lord.

In His Mercy.

A Word from God

Since graduating from seminary a couple of years ago, I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that my faith and/or the practices of my faith cannot be tied to a specific place or season of my life. Going to a Christian college and then immediately off to seminary created a safe, easy place to cultivate good habits of devotion, prayer, reflection, study, etc. However, after moving to Georgia and settling into marriage, I began to really struggle with my faith. Not that I ever stopped believing, but just became lazy about time spent with the Lord. It became all to easy for me to point fingers, blame people or places that I felt were bringing me down. All along, I failed to realize that I make my own choices. I make the choice to sit in misery; I make the choice to turn the tv on; I make the choice to be too busy to just be still and listen.

Recently, I have gotten better about some things. For one thing, I try to pick up my Bible each morning before school. Also, I stopped trying to pray while falling asleep because inevitably....I fall asleep! One of my specific prayers is that God will open my ears to hear and my eyes to see the things He wants to teach me. Today I saw my prayers answered.

I love using stories of the kids in my life because so often, God uses these precious children to teach me. Today, one of the boys in my class handed me a big school bus toy and asked if I could pull out the fire truck that had gotten stuck inside. Frantically, I jerked it around, pulling and tugging and muttering that it looked like it was just stuck in there. But then, I relaxed and gently tried once more and it came out smoothly and easily. If that's not a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is! God is asking me to stop struggling and just relax so that things will go smoothly, as He intended. When I try too hard or when I hold on tightly with an iron-clad grip, God can't work in my life. It's no one else's fault; I just need to stop trying so hard.

Jacob wrestling the angel has become one of my favorite Old Testament stories recently. He wrestled with the angel until he received His blessing. Is it okay to struggle though to the blessing with God? I believe that yes it is. Is it okay to jerk things around and try to control something that was never ours to control? No, I don't think it is. There are things I wish I could control in my life. Things I wish would go my way. Things I wish were a little easier. Things I wish were other people's burdens, not mine.

But God used a Fisher Price school bus to remind me to stop jerking things around and being bitter. He reminded me to be a little gentler in my life with situations that are beyond my control. Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to see and my ears to hear Your sweet voice!

In His Mercy.

A Deer in the Woods

Yesterday David and I decided to hike up Kinnesaw Mountain. It was only about 3 miles total, so not too bad of a hike. As we started off, it didn't take long for me to feel impatient; I wanted to get to the top so we could turn around and go back down- my nickname as a child was Little Sarah Whiner- any guesses why???? As we made our way the the top, David imparted his words of wisdom: Life is a journey. We have to enjoy the journey as we get to each destination. It's not about getting to the end at the expense of the journey to get there. We have to enjoy all of what each day has to offer us.

Okay, I can't argue with that. I tried to slow my footsteps. On the way down, I was in a groove. We were probably 10 minutes from the bottom when I looked up from my zooming steps. About 15 feet diagonally to my left was a fawn munching on some leaves. It was amazing how close we were and the fawn just kept on keeping on, not seeming to mind us. I think the fawn was a metaphor for all the things in life I would miss if I didn't enjoy the journey. If I keep my eyes on the ground and rush to each destination without enjoying the journey along the way, I will miss out on so much that God has in store for me.

I believe God has wonderful plans for David and I. I have to remind myself daily that I don't get to choose what I want when I want it. Do I believe in freewill? Of course, but I also believe that God directs our steps. I am living by grace in the palm of God's hand. I am missing out on so much around me as I try to strive for the destinations that I want. God's not done with this leg of the journey. He wants me to slow down and look around me and see all the good that there is. Perhaps a deer in the woods is what it took to get me to see that!

In His Mercy.

Not Yet

Last month, I went back to Wilmore, Kentucky for a ministry conference. It was great! I loved being back in Wilmore. As much as I had felt ready to leave back in 2008, being back reminded me of all the amazing things that happened and all the ways got broke me apart and built me back up- a new creation! The first evening we were there, the four of us ( we went with two of closest friends from seminary) sat at John Wesley's feet and talked and reminisced of days of old. Something about that peacefulness of the moment brought about a sense of emotional release, as if all the emotions that have been building up over the past year suddenly came to light in that moment. During the week, I was reminded of the deep love that the Father has lavished and is lavishing on me.

This past monday, our church had its first Women's Bible Study/ Fellowship meeting. One of the associates led us in a devotion time and talked about waiting. So a propos! What she said specifically that struck me is that what ever it is that we are waiting for, Jesus waits with us, offering us a constant Hope. I've been waiting for almost a year for things to happen in a way that suits me and to be honest, I have felt that God is "up there," looking down on me and waiting for the perfect moment for all the pieces to fall in place. Shamefully, I have never considered that He waits with me. What a difference it makes to know that Jesus is waiting with me!

But....today is Good Friday. Jesus is now dead and in the tomb. Before today's noon service, I sat in the front of the church and thought how eerie it was to see the entire altar area shrouded in black. How scary it must have been for the disciples- alone, not understanding what Jesus had tried to tell them. So I am waiting alone today. I will never forget my pastor from CT telling us one Good Friday to leave Jesus in the tomb. I remember the fear I felt when he said that. So yes, I wait alone today. Yes, I know the rest of story and know what is to come, but I do believe it is important for us to embrace the discomfort of Jesus' suffering and death. After all, Ester could not have happened without "Good" Friday first.

In His Mercy...

Things Lately

The weeks are flying by! Last month, I only had one FULL work week because of holidays and the week off due to snow. And now it's almost halfway through February=) I've had a few things on my mind lately. My first thought(s) has actually been on my mind for a long time. Last year, I went on a women's retreat. I found one common theme among all of us: hurt. Whether it was from divorce, insecurity, feeling like we don't deserve what is good and right, it seemed like we all had tears of hurt to cry. Why is it that as women, we don't feel like we are good enough or that we don't measure up?

As I was walking out of one of my favorite stores the other day (Ann Taylor), I glanced up at the back of a mannequin and noticed that it had to be taken in with pins just to fit the mannequin. And the thing is, it was probably the smallest size shirt and pants that there are. Why do we feel so inadequate? Because almost everything in advertising and society tells us that if we aren't a size 0, we aren't good enough. If the average size is not huge on us, we are not pretty enough. If our skin is not perfect or our hair not just right, we aren't living up to "the standard." Our feelings of inadequacy stem from the fact that society tells us that we have missed the mark. I am certainly not saying that this gives us license to not take care of ourselves; on the contrary, Paul tells us that our bodies are temples. Therefore, we are responsible for treating it as such.

I am reminded of this verse: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14). God made us exactly how He wanted us to be! So love who you are=)

I have also thought a lot about waiting on the Lord. Brennan Manning, in his book Ruthless Trust, says that to truly trust is a heroic act. So true. I prayed with David for the Lord to help me wait for things and as we prayed together, somehow I visualized the idea I was surrendering as an actual thing, placing it at the foot of the cross. I can't even explain it or articulate what happened, but it was powerful and emotional. God WANTS us wait on Him. So much easier said than done.

"Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

In His Mercy.

Emmanuel

I must sound like a broken record, but I can't believe how long it has been since I last write! These past couple of years have been "bad blogging" years. Writers dry spell I guess.

Well, this whole month I've reflected a lot about "Emmanuel, God with us." The Christmas story is a very literal recounting of exactly how God was with us. But what does Emmanuel mean to us today? Even when Jesus was literally with His people 2000 years ago, there was still a special, unique "something" that took the name Emmanuel above and beyond its literal meaning. Yeah, of course it was special for God to come down and be the "Word made flesh," but it begs the question, "so what?" I began to think about how I see God with me- His provision, His comfort in my distrust, His faithfulness in my unfaithfulness, His relentless love in the midst of my wavering love, His plans coming to fruition in my own life and in David's. God is ALWAYS with us. Jesus wasn't Emmanuel just for a moment of time; He is Emmanuel always. He is ALWAYS with us. What an amazing promise. I have come to love the name Emmanuel more than any other name for Jesus. Knowing God is with me makes every other aspect of Jesus a given- at least in my mind.

I've had a hard time "letting go" of Christmas this year. Maybe because it was so special. One fo the things that made it so special and unforgettable is that it was a white Christmas here in Atlanta! It began snowing in the morning and lasted late into the evening. It was absolutely gorgeous! It seemed like a dream- of course now all the snow is melted and gone! It was also a special Christmas because David and I got to host my parents in our home. It's the first time where my family Christmas was at my home and not at my parents. I feel like a new "life milestone" has been reached! Well, my parents left a couple of days ago and I have had to fight off the moping big time. It was just sad seeing all the Christmas still up, but having an empty guest bedroom and knowing that Christmas came and went. But, I had a revelation today. Advent and the Christmas and the days to follow is not a season of sadness, but a season of joy and hope in Jesus' birth! Yes, Christmas is over, but I can always be joyful and hopeful in God's plan for David and I's lives. I feel the sadness breaking away....but I'll let you know how I do when all the Christmas stuff comes down!

In His Mercy.

21st Time

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving to Wal-Mart and on the corner of the Wal Mart property, a woman stood with a sign that said "Family of 4 Needs Help." I kept driving and a little further down the way, a man stood with the exact same sign. I thought about how sad that is, but kept driving. Well, today David and I ran a slew of errands that really ended up being a bust, but God had other plans for our dead-end errands. As we drove to Wal-MArt, the same man I had seen weeks ago stood there in the shade with his sign. I felt God's Spirit tell me that I needed to help this man, that by feeding him, I feeding HIM. David and I went across the street to Publix, used the money I had gotten from my Wal-Mart return, and got this man a gift card. I understand that sometimes people are just trying to scam others, but in my heart, I thought about how Jesus told us that by feeding and clothing the least, we are feeding and clothing Him- not to mention it is disgustingly hot out, so who would stand out there out of mal-intent? Well, we drove back over to that corner and handed him the gift card. He smiled and told us how grateful he was asked us to pray for him and his family. David said that as we drove away that the manw as clutching the card to his heart- if that is not a Jesus moment, I don't know what is.

So many times, I have walked past people in need- some probably really did need help, others maybe not. But, the point is, it is easy to write these people out, but the challenge becomes recognizing the need for grace. As Christians, we need to be Jesus with skin on and be open to the Spirit's moving. I hope the Spirit moves like that again- even of it means handing a family a bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread from my grocery bags. David and I have never been in need and my heart goes out to this man and his family. May God's grace be on him and his family!

Today's experience reminded me of a song by Monk and Neagle called "21st Time". Here's an excerpt:

"He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray

But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time"

Praise God for "22nd" chances=)!!!

In His Mercy.

Spiritual Breath

I've really been trying to take the time to "breathe spiritually" on a regular basis this summer (and after summer, too!). I can't take the credit for "spiritual breath," in that it was the subject matter of yesterday's Upper Room devotional. It was talking about how premature babies often need physical touch as a reminder to breathe. Their underdeveloped brains don't allow for involuntary breathing all the time. Likewise, sometimes we need the touch and presence of our Lord in order to spiritually breathe. Reading this was so utterly convicting to me. I have gotten so lazy about my spiritual life. It has become easy to make excuses and blame others for why I haven't taken regular time to be with the Lord. I even noticed this past year that it seemed I found myself at the feet of the Lord more often when things weren't going as I wished they would. Not to say that it was the only time I went to the Lord, but it was certainly easier to make that decision. But, it is in the normal, everyday routines that it becomes most difficult for me to consistently come before the Lord. Perhaps these "ordinary days" are the days I need the Lord the most!

Part of a holistic healthy life for me means going beyond just my spiritual life. I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally. Physically, I have been so much better about going to the gym and walking more this summer. Also, just making healthy food choices has made a huge difference. David and I watched Supersize Me about a week ago and I was disgusted by the mere thought of ever eating fast food again! The next day, I was standing behind a man in the grocery store. His cart was loaded with donuts, little debbie snack cakes, chips, ice cream, soda, and other sugary, fat-filled foods. I looked in my own basket and all there was was fruit, veggies, whole grain bread, skim milk, and light yogurt. Not to pass judgement, but it struck me just how much junk food our society is inundated with. This past week, David and I have begun to really watch what we eat. No sweets, no huge portions, no regular mayo or fast food, no fried food. Even after one week, I can feel a MAJOR difference in how I feel. My body feels less bloated with sugar and already, my clothes fit better. Believe me, I will still have a cookie or scoop of ice cream now and then. Total deprivation is never good and will kill a diet in an instant!

This idea of being healthy body, soul, and mind has really made life better for me. My attitude is better. I have more energy. And in general, I just feel better. So, I sit here typing away, feeling completely blessed and overwhelmed by the goodness of our Lord!

In His Mercy.

Transitioning

Well, it has been a while since I have last written. I keep saying that I'll get back to writing more, but, well, I don't know.... I just haven't.

So, I finished up at my CFUMC job in May. It was so very hard to say goodbye to everybody, especially Jeanne. It had been such a crazy year at the preschool with a staff member and a student sibling passing away of cancer. BUt, I can't deny the Lord's hand on the situation. God was so faithful to provide me with everything I needed to make it through the year. He provided me with an amazing support system in Jeanne and other staff members and the opportunity to pray and vent with some incredible women of God. I could not have been more blessed!

So now I sit here in a summer of transition as I await the start of my new job in the Fall. I am very excited to see where God will lead me in this new opportunity! But, back to the transition thing. David and I have done the "revolutionary" thing of canceling our cable- it's just not worth it to pay for it each month. We also believe our marriage will be better of for it, too! So, we got bunny ears and a digital converter box and in order to get a signal, we had to swap our tv stand wall with our love seat wall. This one minor change sent me into panic of having to adjust to this new set-up. Yes, I realize how dramatic I must sound, but perhaps it stems from having so much time to think about this past year and what could happen in the future. It's a lot to think about!

If I could sum up what God has been teaching me these past couple of months in two words they would be: Trust and appreciation. God has continuously taught David and I to trust Him for everything since we got married. It's so special and powerful to see how God does provide and sometimes we don't even realize it until after the fact!

God has also been teaching me to appreciate myself more. I've been slowly working my way through the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge. While I do think that some parts are a little too over the top, it has also made me feel very normal in my struggles and battles. I've been able to embrace the gifts and talents that the Lord has given me and feel excited to really implement those things in my life. God created me to be me, so I need to stop picking on myself and being so critical. The problem here is just that: I focus too much on myself instead of just serving....

God sure did watch out for me this week. I was waiting at a red light to make a left turn. When the light turned green, I had been fiddling with something in my car, so didn't go right away. Just as I looked up and began to go, a 15 passenger van went flying through the red light at what seemed to be 50 mph. My initial thoughts were of negative colorings towards the driver, but then I let out a deep sigh of relief as I realized that if I had gone a second or two sooner, my car would've been smashed, and perhaps so would I! I believe with all my heart that God distracted me in order to protect me. He must've saved me for some purpose, right????

In His Mercy.

Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make you paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I've always loved these verses. Growing up, I had a little name card that had my name, the meaning (Princess!!!), and the above verses. It sat on my bookcase for years. I think these two verses pretty much sum up the task of following Christ. Follow Him and He will guide you. Well, thursday, one of the moms in Jeanne and I's class brought us an end-of-the-year gift; they were tea towels with Bible verses on them. Jeanne's had the predictable "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"- the verse she always recites to the kids who say "I can't." Mine, was picked out a little more randomly, but it had the Proverbs 3 verses on it. I started thinking how neat it is that God knits our whole lives together. All these litte- and big- life events somehow interconnect and make sense together. The above two verses have followed me all these years and mysteriously, this mother "randomly" picked out the tea towel with those exact verses on it. God is good!

I have a lot to trust God with in the coming months. The school year ends on Thursday and a new venture awaits me in the Fall. As scared as I am about, I am also so excited. I believe God will take care of me and help me to thrive.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart......

In His Mercy.

Holy Week

So Holy Week has come and gone. I had so many thoughts and reflections running through my mind last week, but never felt the compulsion to sit here and write. The funny thing is, when I actually take the time to reflect and write, I find my spirit lifted. There is something so freeing about putting your heart on paper ( or the computer screen!). One of the things I thought about a lot was the redemptive quality of Good Friday. Seems like a strange comment, but it was 10 years ago at a Good Friday that I truly understood the magnitude of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection. Perhaps when one is put face to face with the raw reality of Jesus' passion, it has the potential to "force the issue," so to speak. Not that I felt forced to surrender to Christ, but I certainly understood that it is not just enough to do the right things because of a belief in God, but rather we should act out of a relationship with God.

All week last week, I found myself wanting to celebrate Easter, but I had to remind myself that Good Friday comes first. ST JAmes does a great job guiding reflection in this. At the Maundy Thursday service, they draped the entire altar area with black cloth after stripping it of all Christological symbols (cross, Bible, etc) and ended the service by removing the Christ candle from the sanctuary. It was very powerful. There is a sense of emptiness and sadness as you watch all this happen.

But then there's Easter. Majestic and celebratory. Where's the victory, grave? No victory. Death is NOT the final answer. For me, one of the most powerful parts of Mel Gibson's The Passion is Satan writhing in the earth's underbelly when Jesus dies on the cross. On Easter we celebrate Christ's resurrection where he removes the sting of death and Satan can no longer boast of the grave!

David and I have so much to celebrate this year. God keeps telling us to be faithful and trust, so we do. And God keeps providing. It blows me away- literally penny for penny, event to event, God is providing! Great is YOUR faithfulness! Your mercies are NEW every morning!!!!

In His Mercy.

In His Hands

Most of you who read this probably know that I work with 4-yr-olds at a preschool up the road. I absolutely love, love, love those sweet kids. Today is my favorite preschool day because we hve so much variety and are constantly switching gears. Well, chapel time rolled around and one little girl got up out of her seat and snuggled onto my lap. Another little boy, who does not like to be the one who is left out of the whole "sitting-on-your-lap" ordeal, gets out of his seat and snuggles next to me. During the closing prayer song, the chapel leader suggested the kids hold hands with their neighboring friends. Of course, these sweet kids immediately reached for my hand. I took each of their tiny hands and sat there praying with them. It was such a precious moment.

I thought about how our Heavenly Father must love holding our hands when we pray. He must love those sweet moments with us infinitely more than I do with my preschool kids. We need to reach out in eagerness and grab hold of the hands of God and "snuggle" with Him in our own prayer lives. I believe He cherishes those moments so much! May my snuggle time with God grow each and every day.

In His Mercy.

Walking to Emmaus

This past weekend, I went on the Walk to Emmaus. The Walk to Emmaus is a 72-hour retreat designed to draw you closer to the Lord. I can't really say more about what goes on because by doing so, I could rob someone's else's joy of experiencing it for themselves.

The weekend was amazing. I have to admit that going into it, I was a little skeptical. I would have to spend 3 days away from hubby with no phone and no watch. The idea of being thrown in with a group of strangers and sleeping in a bunk room did not exactly send me into fits of excitement. But, God quickly changed my heart. David came home from his walk and told me that I would love it and that there was something so special about the weekend.

Yes, it was a very special weekend, precious even. I have only just begun to process through the massive amount of knowledge and heart that were poured into me this past weekend. The one concept that really stands out in my heart and mind is that I am so dearly lived by God and by so many people around me. It amazes me to think about the depth of God's love for me- that He delights in me and calls me His child. God loves me through others, too. This past weekend was truly a gift of love.

I'll write more later, but right now, it's more than I can put into words. For now, I will say this- if you are a Christian that is seeking to grow and to serve Christ as His disciple- go on this retreat!!!!! You will not regret it!

In His Mercy.

The Rail

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting behind two sweet little girls at church. During the morning prayer, the altar rail is open for people to come kneel and pray. Well, one of the little girls ran to the altar and a few seconds later, her friend runs after her and plants herself down next to her. I see them both look to their right to observe the actions of others at the rail.

I sat there and smiled as I watched all of this go down. Two thoughts came to mind. One, why are we not all running to be with the Lord? Maybe these little girls didn't fully understand what they were doing, but I have to believe that somewhere in their innocent hearts, they understood that praying at the altar rail was a good and right thing to do. I don't run to the Lord enough. I need to be running to the Lord on a daily basis. I can learn from those two sweet girls what it means to have a child-like faith.

The second thought that came to mind is how important it is as adults to set an example for the kids around us. Those girls immediately looked around to see what the adults where doing and did as they did. How precious. Am I setting an example for kids? I hope so. Everyday that I am in my preschool classroom, I constantly have to remind myself to be patient and to take deep breaths. My actions and emotions are examples to the little ones around me.

So yes, we need to learn from the kids in our lives as we set an example for them as well=) I love how God uses kids to teach me!

In His Mercy.

Haiti

It has been a crazy, emotional week. David and I went to Sam Dixon's funeral yesterday. For those who do not know who Sam Dixon is, he was the head of UMCOR (United Methodist Committee on Relief). He dedicated his life to helping the needy as he joyfully served the Lord. He was killed in the Haitian earthquake last week. It was heartbreaking to see his wife, so hurt and sad, not knowing where to go from here. What a life to be celebrated, though!

As David and I made our long drive home last night, he asked me what God had been saying to me. I told him that GOd had been telling me that Haiti needs to be praying for us. I know that sounds absolutely counter-intuitive and believe me, I will continue to pray for Haiti, but hear me out.

David and I have watched a lot of news coverage this past week. There is one woman who stands out to me. She said that she started following Jesus because of the earthquake. She new that it had to have been Jesus that saved her from dying. She is not the only one that has said such things. Her comment has rolled around my head for days. I started thinking about the Israelites. The Bible says that the more they were oppressed, the more they grew. I think the typical American response is to ask where God was when this happened or how He could have let it happen. Ok, fair enough, but I think the Haitian people have answered that for us. God was in that rubble comforting the trapped. God was saving men, women, and children and giving them the opportunity to serve Him and follow Him. The Haitians have ministered to me in ways that I could never offer back to them.

Most of us in the United States will never experience the oppression they have lived in. Voodoo, poorest of the poor, slammed with natural disasters- we could never know what that is like, yet following Jesus seems absurd to America. But, the Haitians are saying to me, "The more we are oppressed, the more we will grow because Jesus is saving us."

So yes, maybe Haiti needs to pray for us.

In His Mercy.

New Year, New Pain

It amazes me the amount of sadness and hurt there is in the world. One of the reasons I don't like to watch the news a lot is because I find it incredibly depressing. People shooting other people. Bombs. Terrorists. Disasters. How much sadness and pain can the human heart hold?

A new year brings new opportunities; new chances for hope and new beginnings. That's what I wished for sweet little Aubrey- a beautiful one year old whose older sister attends the preschool where I work. She has a rare form of cancer that she is dying from. It cuts me to the core- I'm not a mother yet, but just the thought of going through this breaks my heart. The hardest thing to understand and come to terms with is that God's healing takes on two forms- actual physical healing or healing by arriving in heaven to be with Jesus. I pray that sweet Aubrey will be healed! With God, all things are possible!

Now I sit here watching the coverage of the Haitian earthquake and the more I watch it, the more depressed I feel. What's worse, is that Sam Dixon, the head of UMCOR (United Methodist Corps on Relief) is missing, presumed to be in the rubble of the Montana. Sam is my father-in-law's first cousin. It makes it more real. It's easy to sit here and watch the TV, but when it becomes personal, suddenly you are forced to face the devastation. Is creation groaning for redemption? Are these natural disasters the groans that Romans talks about?

It's easy to have an achy heart these days. David and I have discussed in the recent weeks how to reconcile the condition of most of the world with the relatively peaceful circumstances we live in. How can we watch all this coverage of disasters and war and the turn of the TV and go about our days as normal? How can this be reconciled? Should we feel guilty? I honestly don't know. I have no control over the fact that I was born when and where I was born. But, I am still accountable to my fellow humanity, aren't I?

All of these things have been rolling around in my head. In the midst of the confusion and sadness, I am blessed by those deeply personal and still moments with the Lord. On Wednesday, Jeanne and I started of our day as usual by taking communion together and praying for each other. Ed served us and as he placed the wafer in my hand, he said, "The body of Christ broken for you because He loves you." Because He loves you. He loves you. Yes, Jesus does love me. That phrase was so beautifully intimate that I welled up as I realized that this simple phrase that we hear so often is so powerful and compelling. That phrase- He loves me- carried me through my day and continues to envelop my heart.

In His Mercy.

Holy

What does it mean to be holy? I think so often we tend to think of holiness as something we achieve by being a "good Christian." Bible reading? Check. Pray for a little bit? Check. Serve in some way? Check. Go to church? Check. All of these things are good things to do, but they don't make us holy. That's works righteousness.

Last night before bed, David and I read a Dennis Kinlaw devotional entry together about holiness. It said that holiness is being in the presence of God. Wow! Do you sense the grace in that? It's amazing. It's not about outward perfection, but surrendering our heart's imperfections in the presence of God. This is holiness! God meets us in our most broken places and transforms them into holiness.

It reminds of a book I read a year or two ago. I think it was a Brennan Manning book. He was recalling a time (or two!) when he had fallen asleep praying. God doesn't get mad at us when we do that. We chose to be in God's presence in that moment and God knows our hearts. To me, that is an example of how even in our imperfections and what we label as "mistakes", God is surrounding us with His holiness.

It almost makes me wonder- is holiness something we "own" per se, or is it something that is strictly God's that he clothes us with? Food for thought....

In His Mercy.

Tis the Season

Happy Advent everyone! I've been so bad about writing this year. Things got complicated earlier in the year and emotionally, I just kind of excused myself from caring about much of anything. I've always enjoyed writing, so when I writing became an event that rarely occurred, I knew something was up. I've slowly started to come back to it all. That's the thing about healing, it only takes an instant to be torn-up, chewed-up, and spit back out; its what happens afterwards that poses the biggest challenge.

Healing is something that I have thought about a lot lately. There is a precious little girl- a younger sibling of one of the four-yr-olds at the preschool- who is terminally ill with a rare form of cancer. When we received the news, my heart immediately began to ache. Let me back up. She had a liver transplant in the Spring that was successful and we were all under the impression that she was in the clear. Just before Thanksgiving, they found four more masses, all cancerous and all the same rare cancer. At this point, not much can be done. She's been given a 0% chance of survival. I barely know this family, but I found myself in tears at our morning staff meeting. One, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the family is going through. And two, I cannot grasp why this happens.

I believe in God's healing, but I also believe that sometimes God's healing does not look how we want it so look. For example, when my grandmother passed away from cancer at the age of 89, I believe her death was her healing. She lived a long, fulfilling life and God ended her suffering. Healing. But here is this tiny child, not even 2 years old, and medically-speaking, she has no chance of surviving. I believe in God's miracles and I pray that He would "wow" the doctors with a miraculous healing of this sweet, innocent child. But what if He doesn't? Does that mean He did not hear the prayers of His people? Does that mean that he does not love this little girl? Of course not. I just have a hard time comprehending this all.I just wish that sometimes we could just get our way.

The truth be told, I am glad that I cannot understand God. There is something strangely comforting about not fully grasping onto who God is. God is God. He is in control. And even though it's scary and uncertain, I believe He is holding sweet Aubrey in His lands, loving on her, and loving on her family.

Healing is a very mysterious thing....

In His Mercy.

Worship

These past two Sundays, I've had some very powerful worship moments. Last Sunday, David took his (mine, too!) Disciple class to worship at the Sunday evening service at Atlanta 1st UMC. It was so powerful! For me, it felt like a cross between Catacombs (worship service from my college days) and The Rock/La Roca UMC. Think high church look, acoustic feel, and in an inner-city setting. The worship team was incredible- just three people- a cross between Chris Tomlin and Kirk Franklin. Sounds weird, but it worked. I am not even sure how to articulate my experience other than to say that there was something utterly raw and real about the worship. Surprisingly, given that I grew-up in a middle-class, suburban church, I am drawn to inner-city churches.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. St. James had a beautiful service. The choir sang a requiem that they had pieced out throughout the service. During communion, the two most beautiful sections were sung. It took all I had to not cry. I sat there, watching people come up for communion, thinking about all the people that have gone before us, but yet inspire us still. As I was reflecting, the associates son came up with his wife to take communion. He is a injured soldier. About a month or so ago, he was being transported from one base to another in Afghanistan when their Hummer drove over a bomb. His sergeant was killed and he suffered from a serious arm injury. I sat there thinking about how on the one hand we are celebrating the saints, but on the other, here we have someone who God spared. How emotional that must have been for his family!

Then I looked over to see a father and his daughter come up. The daughter took communion first and walked straight to the altar. Most kids (I've noticed) wait for their parents, waiting for an example of what to do. She, however, knelt down at the altar rail and began to pray. Her father came and knelt down right beside her, their shoulders overlapping. It was such a beautiful picture of what prayer is- the faith of a child and a father right there with her. When we pray, we should pray with the confidence of a child, knowing that although we pray to a Holy God, He is right there with us!

In His Mercy.