Flickering Flames

Last night was my last Christmas Eve at home for a while. Everything seemed a bit more...."magical." Every last detail was like a warm cup of coffee- perfect to the last drop. I was there about 30 minutes early to practice my solo, so Pastor Rick had me light the candelabras that lined the sides of the church. As I lit those candles with wreaths splashed behind them, something in my heart clicked and it felt like Christmas to me. It truly felt like Christmas- not that church in and of itself was the answer to achieving the Christmas spirit- you have to have ears to hear. It was as I was lighting those candles that I heard Jesus whisper, "Rejoice! Your King has come to you!" I savored every moment of that service.

From the carols, to the special music, to the interpreters (we have a crowd of deaf people that come to the service), to the kids' smiling faces, to the final candlelight hymn, I will truly miss this church next year. I grew-up in this church- I was baptized there, confirmed there,became a Christian there, and next October, I will be married there=) Every detail of he past 25 years are carefully etched into my heart. I'm ok with this being "the end" for a while. Right now, I am rejoicing that it's Christmas! The King has come!

In His Mercy.

Christmas Time

This Christmas season has been very unique for me, and will continue to be. It's been very emotional- but with me, this probably isn't too big of a surprise! Thursday I helped pack David up. Although his memories there go further back, I have some memories buried in that house on Akers as well. As I walked back to David's room over and over to bring boxes out, I kept having this vision of this past summer. He had come up for a couple days to visit and I had come over to his house the instant he got there. I burst through his front door, ran down that hallway towards his room, and jumped into his arms. It was sad packing up his stuff, knowing we'll be apart next semester...

So I got home on saturday. After dinner, mom and I decorated the tree. It's tradition. Mom and I both ended up crying, knowing that this was the last Christmas for a while where we would be able to decorate the tree together. Although it was hard, I'm so excited for the blessings that God has given me in David. Next year, David and I will be married, in our own place, decorating our own Christmas tree and starting our own traditions. I can't tell you how excited I am for this!

This Christmas season is a season of transition for me. Not only am I enjoying my time here with my family for one more Christmas, but I'm longing to be with my fiance. It's our first Christmas together, and yet we're apart. But praise God for his blessings and his faithfulness. For even though I'm learning to let go, there is still so much to hold on to in Jesus!!!

In His Mercy.

Almost Done

I learned a very important lesson about ministry Friday night. I think that I had myself convinced that because I am young, I can wear myself down all week, get a descent night's sleep for one night, and be good to go. Either I'm getting old or this theory of mine needs some tweaking- I'm going with the latter. I had my family fun night on Friday night. I got to the church at 1 in the afternoon to go shopping with Melissa for food and decorations and then back to the church to set-up. By the end of the night, I was exhausted-partly from not getting enough sleep that week and partly because in the midst of it all,I didn't eat anything. Aaron walks up to me at 8:30 and says, "I can't wait for you to plan a couple more next semester!" My only response in that moment was to cry. Seriously, I just started to cry. This was just one event. Being in full-time ministry is more demanding than that! It made me realize the importance of having a regular schedule when I get a job. God reminded me that ministry is not only theological and biblical, but it's practical as well.

If there's one question that God has been asking me lately it's, "Why aren't you going deeper with me?" Well, God, I don't know. I want to. I desire to. I NEED to. My heart is crying for that something deeper. I'm so hungry and thirsty and I don't know whether I need to feed myself or go and get fed. All I know is that I need to go deeper. I want to feast, not just nibble. I want to drink so much that I'm overflowing. I want to stop with this spiritual snacking....

More love, More power
More of you in my life...

In His Mercy.

Redemption

I was thinking Wednesday night, as I was trying to calm myself down from the excitement of the day, that getting engaged was in a way a redemption. In the moment that David said, "Will you marry me?" and I said yes, God brought full redemption to the brokenness that I once had. I really struggled with being single. I wanted nothing more than to get married and have a family of my own. It was a desire that was so deep in my heart and I got to a point where I was tired of people saying to me, "God wouldn't give you these desires if He wasn't going to provide for you." Well, how was I supposed to know whether these desires were from the Lord or my own selfish desires? I can't tell you how many times I cried out to God, praying to be ok with being single. I finally got to a point where I had a deeper understanding of being satisfied in the Lord alone and that is exactly when the Lord gave me David. And 7 1/2 months later, David got down on his knee and proposed. That was the moment when I realized that God had redeemed a heart that had been broken. He redeemed the despair I felt for so long.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season. A wonderful fiance. Friends who love me and want what's best for me. A church family to share in my joy. Ministry involvement that crazy enough, is a nice study break for me- no matter how loud and crazy those kids get! I have a family that loves me and supports me unconditionally and has raised me well. My parents have shown me in their own relationship what a marriage is supposed to be. And most importantly, I have a deep joy in my heart that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the living Jesus Christ.

In the words of Edwin McCain, cheesy but so true:

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

In His Mercy.

Engagement!!!!

So, my big news is that David proposed to me about 2 1/2 hours ago. I said yes!!!! We're ENGAGED!!!!!!! It was a very sweet proposal. I took David to see the church that we're going to be married at. HE took me over to the piano in the sanctuary and asked me to stand at the corner near the keys. He sang to me the song "Make you feel my Love," which is the song we are going to dance to for our first dance. Then he told me how much he loved me and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, with many tears and threw my arms around him. After composing myself a little, he put a beautiful solitaire stone on my finger.

I am overjoyed right now. I can't even put into words my emotions and thoughts. I am just the happiest girl in the world!

So yes, October 18, 2008 is the big day!!!

God is so good!


In His Mercy.

Dancing

First off, go to the myspace homepage, click on the music option, do a search for the indie artist Elisa, and listen to the song "Dancing" on her page. It's incredible. It gave me goosebumps. It's amazing how music can have such an effect on people...But yeah, not why I'm writing...

Yesterday in my moral development, an Augustine quote came up in conversation. It goes something like, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." I love this quote. I had to read the source this came from in Church History and I remember stopping and re-reading the quote several times. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to go back to when I didn't know he Lord. There's no way I could do it. I have tasted and seen how good the Lord is and there is no way I could live my life apart from Him. Without Him in my life, I would be a wanderer, with no place to go. No vision. No direction. No rest. But my heart has found rest in the Lord and that is such an amazing comfort.

Life is good. The semester is nearing a close, which is a blessing. God is certainly moving and answering prayers. David and I had an amazing conversation that just brought such joy to my heart. I almost can't believe the blessings in my life. I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness in providing for me exactly what I need when I need it.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above...."

In His Mercy.

Growing Pains

I realized today what an interesting phase of my life I am in. It's funny, because starting about half-way through college, I thought a lot about marriage. At that point, marriage was a smooth transition. There would be no inbetween phase where I would have to let go of my parents and lean on my husband. I think that this problematic thought process existed because I had no context for marriage. Now I find myself in a place where I am getting professional degree, I am 850 miles away from home, and in a committed relationship. My thought process has chnaged and so has my heart. It has been hitting me hard lately that I need my parents in a very different way now. I'm learning how to lean on David and to need him- in healthy ways of course. It's a hard process to face there evidently is an overlap phase where I'm still holding onto my parents with one hand and the other hand is holding onto David. This causes a lot of tension for me. I am the baby girl in my family, so to have to let go is painful. I was telling David last night that I really feel like I am processing through growing pains that happen at this stage of life. It's hard, but I'm so excited to see how God is going to continue to move and birng David and I's hearts closer and closer together.

This morning I met with my group for my discipleship class. We have a group paper to put together. I was kind of dreading this paper because group papers can be disastrous. It is a daunting task to integrate 5 different papers into one. But as we sat around going over our papers and talking with one another, I felt empowered. I don't know how else to describe it. It made me excited about our paper. It made me excited about ministry. It's amazing how God can come down and say, "Sarah, get over yourself. Stop stressing out over these things. This can work. I can work even in situations like this. And right now, I want you to see how blessed you are to be able to discuss ministry with other passionate people."

So yes, I am in an interesting phase of my life right now. And I am so blessed. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. I love the ministry opportunities I have been given. But most of all, I love how the Lord is moving!

In His Mercy.