Not Yet

Last month, I went back to Wilmore, Kentucky for a ministry conference. It was great! I loved being back in Wilmore. As much as I had felt ready to leave back in 2008, being back reminded me of all the amazing things that happened and all the ways got broke me apart and built me back up- a new creation! The first evening we were there, the four of us ( we went with two of closest friends from seminary) sat at John Wesley's feet and talked and reminisced of days of old. Something about that peacefulness of the moment brought about a sense of emotional release, as if all the emotions that have been building up over the past year suddenly came to light in that moment. During the week, I was reminded of the deep love that the Father has lavished and is lavishing on me.

This past monday, our church had its first Women's Bible Study/ Fellowship meeting. One of the associates led us in a devotion time and talked about waiting. So a propos! What she said specifically that struck me is that what ever it is that we are waiting for, Jesus waits with us, offering us a constant Hope. I've been waiting for almost a year for things to happen in a way that suits me and to be honest, I have felt that God is "up there," looking down on me and waiting for the perfect moment for all the pieces to fall in place. Shamefully, I have never considered that He waits with me. What a difference it makes to know that Jesus is waiting with me!

But....today is Good Friday. Jesus is now dead and in the tomb. Before today's noon service, I sat in the front of the church and thought how eerie it was to see the entire altar area shrouded in black. How scary it must have been for the disciples- alone, not understanding what Jesus had tried to tell them. So I am waiting alone today. I will never forget my pastor from CT telling us one Good Friday to leave Jesus in the tomb. I remember the fear I felt when he said that. So yes, I wait alone today. Yes, I know the rest of story and know what is to come, but I do believe it is important for us to embrace the discomfort of Jesus' suffering and death. After all, Ester could not have happened without "Good" Friday first.

In His Mercy...

Things Lately

The weeks are flying by! Last month, I only had one FULL work week because of holidays and the week off due to snow. And now it's almost halfway through February=) I've had a few things on my mind lately. My first thought(s) has actually been on my mind for a long time. Last year, I went on a women's retreat. I found one common theme among all of us: hurt. Whether it was from divorce, insecurity, feeling like we don't deserve what is good and right, it seemed like we all had tears of hurt to cry. Why is it that as women, we don't feel like we are good enough or that we don't measure up?

As I was walking out of one of my favorite stores the other day (Ann Taylor), I glanced up at the back of a mannequin and noticed that it had to be taken in with pins just to fit the mannequin. And the thing is, it was probably the smallest size shirt and pants that there are. Why do we feel so inadequate? Because almost everything in advertising and society tells us that if we aren't a size 0, we aren't good enough. If the average size is not huge on us, we are not pretty enough. If our skin is not perfect or our hair not just right, we aren't living up to "the standard." Our feelings of inadequacy stem from the fact that society tells us that we have missed the mark. I am certainly not saying that this gives us license to not take care of ourselves; on the contrary, Paul tells us that our bodies are temples. Therefore, we are responsible for treating it as such.

I am reminded of this verse: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14). God made us exactly how He wanted us to be! So love who you are=)

I have also thought a lot about waiting on the Lord. Brennan Manning, in his book Ruthless Trust, says that to truly trust is a heroic act. So true. I prayed with David for the Lord to help me wait for things and as we prayed together, somehow I visualized the idea I was surrendering as an actual thing, placing it at the foot of the cross. I can't even explain it or articulate what happened, but it was powerful and emotional. God WANTS us wait on Him. So much easier said than done.

"Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

In His Mercy.

Emmanuel

I must sound like a broken record, but I can't believe how long it has been since I last write! These past couple of years have been "bad blogging" years. Writers dry spell I guess.

Well, this whole month I've reflected a lot about "Emmanuel, God with us." The Christmas story is a very literal recounting of exactly how God was with us. But what does Emmanuel mean to us today? Even when Jesus was literally with His people 2000 years ago, there was still a special, unique "something" that took the name Emmanuel above and beyond its literal meaning. Yeah, of course it was special for God to come down and be the "Word made flesh," but it begs the question, "so what?" I began to think about how I see God with me- His provision, His comfort in my distrust, His faithfulness in my unfaithfulness, His relentless love in the midst of my wavering love, His plans coming to fruition in my own life and in David's. God is ALWAYS with us. Jesus wasn't Emmanuel just for a moment of time; He is Emmanuel always. He is ALWAYS with us. What an amazing promise. I have come to love the name Emmanuel more than any other name for Jesus. Knowing God is with me makes every other aspect of Jesus a given- at least in my mind.

I've had a hard time "letting go" of Christmas this year. Maybe because it was so special. One fo the things that made it so special and unforgettable is that it was a white Christmas here in Atlanta! It began snowing in the morning and lasted late into the evening. It was absolutely gorgeous! It seemed like a dream- of course now all the snow is melted and gone! It was also a special Christmas because David and I got to host my parents in our home. It's the first time where my family Christmas was at my home and not at my parents. I feel like a new "life milestone" has been reached! Well, my parents left a couple of days ago and I have had to fight off the moping big time. It was just sad seeing all the Christmas still up, but having an empty guest bedroom and knowing that Christmas came and went. But, I had a revelation today. Advent and the Christmas and the days to follow is not a season of sadness, but a season of joy and hope in Jesus' birth! Yes, Christmas is over, but I can always be joyful and hopeful in God's plan for David and I's lives. I feel the sadness breaking away....but I'll let you know how I do when all the Christmas stuff comes down!

In His Mercy.

21st Time

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving to Wal-Mart and on the corner of the Wal Mart property, a woman stood with a sign that said "Family of 4 Needs Help." I kept driving and a little further down the way, a man stood with the exact same sign. I thought about how sad that is, but kept driving. Well, today David and I ran a slew of errands that really ended up being a bust, but God had other plans for our dead-end errands. As we drove to Wal-MArt, the same man I had seen weeks ago stood there in the shade with his sign. I felt God's Spirit tell me that I needed to help this man, that by feeding him, I feeding HIM. David and I went across the street to Publix, used the money I had gotten from my Wal-Mart return, and got this man a gift card. I understand that sometimes people are just trying to scam others, but in my heart, I thought about how Jesus told us that by feeding and clothing the least, we are feeding and clothing Him- not to mention it is disgustingly hot out, so who would stand out there out of mal-intent? Well, we drove back over to that corner and handed him the gift card. He smiled and told us how grateful he was asked us to pray for him and his family. David said that as we drove away that the manw as clutching the card to his heart- if that is not a Jesus moment, I don't know what is.

So many times, I have walked past people in need- some probably really did need help, others maybe not. But, the point is, it is easy to write these people out, but the challenge becomes recognizing the need for grace. As Christians, we need to be Jesus with skin on and be open to the Spirit's moving. I hope the Spirit moves like that again- even of it means handing a family a bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread from my grocery bags. David and I have never been in need and my heart goes out to this man and his family. May God's grace be on him and his family!

Today's experience reminded me of a song by Monk and Neagle called "21st Time". Here's an excerpt:

"He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray

But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time"

Praise God for "22nd" chances=)!!!

In His Mercy.

Spiritual Breath

I've really been trying to take the time to "breathe spiritually" on a regular basis this summer (and after summer, too!). I can't take the credit for "spiritual breath," in that it was the subject matter of yesterday's Upper Room devotional. It was talking about how premature babies often need physical touch as a reminder to breathe. Their underdeveloped brains don't allow for involuntary breathing all the time. Likewise, sometimes we need the touch and presence of our Lord in order to spiritually breathe. Reading this was so utterly convicting to me. I have gotten so lazy about my spiritual life. It has become easy to make excuses and blame others for why I haven't taken regular time to be with the Lord. I even noticed this past year that it seemed I found myself at the feet of the Lord more often when things weren't going as I wished they would. Not to say that it was the only time I went to the Lord, but it was certainly easier to make that decision. But, it is in the normal, everyday routines that it becomes most difficult for me to consistently come before the Lord. Perhaps these "ordinary days" are the days I need the Lord the most!

Part of a holistic healthy life for me means going beyond just my spiritual life. I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally. Physically, I have been so much better about going to the gym and walking more this summer. Also, just making healthy food choices has made a huge difference. David and I watched Supersize Me about a week ago and I was disgusted by the mere thought of ever eating fast food again! The next day, I was standing behind a man in the grocery store. His cart was loaded with donuts, little debbie snack cakes, chips, ice cream, soda, and other sugary, fat-filled foods. I looked in my own basket and all there was was fruit, veggies, whole grain bread, skim milk, and light yogurt. Not to pass judgement, but it struck me just how much junk food our society is inundated with. This past week, David and I have begun to really watch what we eat. No sweets, no huge portions, no regular mayo or fast food, no fried food. Even after one week, I can feel a MAJOR difference in how I feel. My body feels less bloated with sugar and already, my clothes fit better. Believe me, I will still have a cookie or scoop of ice cream now and then. Total deprivation is never good and will kill a diet in an instant!

This idea of being healthy body, soul, and mind has really made life better for me. My attitude is better. I have more energy. And in general, I just feel better. So, I sit here typing away, feeling completely blessed and overwhelmed by the goodness of our Lord!

In His Mercy.

Transitioning

Well, it has been a while since I have last written. I keep saying that I'll get back to writing more, but, well, I don't know.... I just haven't.

So, I finished up at my CFUMC job in May. It was so very hard to say goodbye to everybody, especially Jeanne. It had been such a crazy year at the preschool with a staff member and a student sibling passing away of cancer. BUt, I can't deny the Lord's hand on the situation. God was so faithful to provide me with everything I needed to make it through the year. He provided me with an amazing support system in Jeanne and other staff members and the opportunity to pray and vent with some incredible women of God. I could not have been more blessed!

So now I sit here in a summer of transition as I await the start of my new job in the Fall. I am very excited to see where God will lead me in this new opportunity! But, back to the transition thing. David and I have done the "revolutionary" thing of canceling our cable- it's just not worth it to pay for it each month. We also believe our marriage will be better of for it, too! So, we got bunny ears and a digital converter box and in order to get a signal, we had to swap our tv stand wall with our love seat wall. This one minor change sent me into panic of having to adjust to this new set-up. Yes, I realize how dramatic I must sound, but perhaps it stems from having so much time to think about this past year and what could happen in the future. It's a lot to think about!

If I could sum up what God has been teaching me these past couple of months in two words they would be: Trust and appreciation. God has continuously taught David and I to trust Him for everything since we got married. It's so special and powerful to see how God does provide and sometimes we don't even realize it until after the fact!

God has also been teaching me to appreciate myself more. I've been slowly working my way through the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge. While I do think that some parts are a little too over the top, it has also made me feel very normal in my struggles and battles. I've been able to embrace the gifts and talents that the Lord has given me and feel excited to really implement those things in my life. God created me to be me, so I need to stop picking on myself and being so critical. The problem here is just that: I focus too much on myself instead of just serving....

God sure did watch out for me this week. I was waiting at a red light to make a left turn. When the light turned green, I had been fiddling with something in my car, so didn't go right away. Just as I looked up and began to go, a 15 passenger van went flying through the red light at what seemed to be 50 mph. My initial thoughts were of negative colorings towards the driver, but then I let out a deep sigh of relief as I realized that if I had gone a second or two sooner, my car would've been smashed, and perhaps so would I! I believe with all my heart that God distracted me in order to protect me. He must've saved me for some purpose, right????

In His Mercy.

Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make you paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I've always loved these verses. Growing up, I had a little name card that had my name, the meaning (Princess!!!), and the above verses. It sat on my bookcase for years. I think these two verses pretty much sum up the task of following Christ. Follow Him and He will guide you. Well, thursday, one of the moms in Jeanne and I's class brought us an end-of-the-year gift; they were tea towels with Bible verses on them. Jeanne's had the predictable "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"- the verse she always recites to the kids who say "I can't." Mine, was picked out a little more randomly, but it had the Proverbs 3 verses on it. I started thinking how neat it is that God knits our whole lives together. All these litte- and big- life events somehow interconnect and make sense together. The above two verses have followed me all these years and mysteriously, this mother "randomly" picked out the tea towel with those exact verses on it. God is good!

I have a lot to trust God with in the coming months. The school year ends on Thursday and a new venture awaits me in the Fall. As scared as I am about, I am also so excited. I believe God will take care of me and help me to thrive.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart......

In His Mercy.