Holy

What does it mean to be holy? I think so often we tend to think of holiness as something we achieve by being a "good Christian." Bible reading? Check. Pray for a little bit? Check. Serve in some way? Check. Go to church? Check. All of these things are good things to do, but they don't make us holy. That's works righteousness.

Last night before bed, David and I read a Dennis Kinlaw devotional entry together about holiness. It said that holiness is being in the presence of God. Wow! Do you sense the grace in that? It's amazing. It's not about outward perfection, but surrendering our heart's imperfections in the presence of God. This is holiness! God meets us in our most broken places and transforms them into holiness.

It reminds of a book I read a year or two ago. I think it was a Brennan Manning book. He was recalling a time (or two!) when he had fallen asleep praying. God doesn't get mad at us when we do that. We chose to be in God's presence in that moment and God knows our hearts. To me, that is an example of how even in our imperfections and what we label as "mistakes", God is surrounding us with His holiness.

It almost makes me wonder- is holiness something we "own" per se, or is it something that is strictly God's that he clothes us with? Food for thought....

In His Mercy.

Tis the Season

Happy Advent everyone! I've been so bad about writing this year. Things got complicated earlier in the year and emotionally, I just kind of excused myself from caring about much of anything. I've always enjoyed writing, so when I writing became an event that rarely occurred, I knew something was up. I've slowly started to come back to it all. That's the thing about healing, it only takes an instant to be torn-up, chewed-up, and spit back out; its what happens afterwards that poses the biggest challenge.

Healing is something that I have thought about a lot lately. There is a precious little girl- a younger sibling of one of the four-yr-olds at the preschool- who is terminally ill with a rare form of cancer. When we received the news, my heart immediately began to ache. Let me back up. She had a liver transplant in the Spring that was successful and we were all under the impression that she was in the clear. Just before Thanksgiving, they found four more masses, all cancerous and all the same rare cancer. At this point, not much can be done. She's been given a 0% chance of survival. I barely know this family, but I found myself in tears at our morning staff meeting. One, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the family is going through. And two, I cannot grasp why this happens.

I believe in God's healing, but I also believe that sometimes God's healing does not look how we want it so look. For example, when my grandmother passed away from cancer at the age of 89, I believe her death was her healing. She lived a long, fulfilling life and God ended her suffering. Healing. But here is this tiny child, not even 2 years old, and medically-speaking, she has no chance of surviving. I believe in God's miracles and I pray that He would "wow" the doctors with a miraculous healing of this sweet, innocent child. But what if He doesn't? Does that mean He did not hear the prayers of His people? Does that mean that he does not love this little girl? Of course not. I just have a hard time comprehending this all.I just wish that sometimes we could just get our way.

The truth be told, I am glad that I cannot understand God. There is something strangely comforting about not fully grasping onto who God is. God is God. He is in control. And even though it's scary and uncertain, I believe He is holding sweet Aubrey in His lands, loving on her, and loving on her family.

Healing is a very mysterious thing....

In His Mercy.

Worship

These past two Sundays, I've had some very powerful worship moments. Last Sunday, David took his (mine, too!) Disciple class to worship at the Sunday evening service at Atlanta 1st UMC. It was so powerful! For me, it felt like a cross between Catacombs (worship service from my college days) and The Rock/La Roca UMC. Think high church look, acoustic feel, and in an inner-city setting. The worship team was incredible- just three people- a cross between Chris Tomlin and Kirk Franklin. Sounds weird, but it worked. I am not even sure how to articulate my experience other than to say that there was something utterly raw and real about the worship. Surprisingly, given that I grew-up in a middle-class, suburban church, I am drawn to inner-city churches.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. St. James had a beautiful service. The choir sang a requiem that they had pieced out throughout the service. During communion, the two most beautiful sections were sung. It took all I had to not cry. I sat there, watching people come up for communion, thinking about all the people that have gone before us, but yet inspire us still. As I was reflecting, the associates son came up with his wife to take communion. He is a injured soldier. About a month or so ago, he was being transported from one base to another in Afghanistan when their Hummer drove over a bomb. His sergeant was killed and he suffered from a serious arm injury. I sat there thinking about how on the one hand we are celebrating the saints, but on the other, here we have someone who God spared. How emotional that must have been for his family!

Then I looked over to see a father and his daughter come up. The daughter took communion first and walked straight to the altar. Most kids (I've noticed) wait for their parents, waiting for an example of what to do. She, however, knelt down at the altar rail and began to pray. Her father came and knelt down right beside her, their shoulders overlapping. It was such a beautiful picture of what prayer is- the faith of a child and a father right there with her. When we pray, we should pray with the confidence of a child, knowing that although we pray to a Holy God, He is right there with us!

In His Mercy.

One Year

A year ago today, I was on the way to West Hartford United Methodist Church to walk down the aisle and marry David=) These past couple of days I have allowed my imagination to recreate that day and take a walk down memory lane. It was such a surreal, beautiful, and blessed time of our lives as we made preparations and exchanged our vows. I told David beforehand that I was more excited about the ceremony than I was about our reception. Don't get me wrong- our reception was a blast and very memorable! But, the ceremony was when we made a commitment to stay together in marriage until death parts us. To me, THAT is the most important part of marriage.

Our first year of marriage has been challenging, fun, ordinary, and exciting. God has taken us on quite a journey! He has taught us to trust Him in everything and for everything. There were times when that was difficult, but every time, He provided and He took care of us and blessed us with a wonderful life together. For that, I am forever grateful

And to David, I love you. This year has been great, but I can't wait to see what happens this year!

In His Mercy.

It's Been a While

Well, it's officially been a long time since I have written. The reasons are many! The biggest reason was that I was finishing my MDiv. On Friday, August 28th, I finished it after four long years of constant hard work! Seminary=no breaks if you want to graduate in 4 yrs or less. Several people have asked me if I have more time on my hands now and strangely, it seems that I don't. I juts have new things taking up my time=)

God is doing a good work in my life. For the past year+, I was in a place where I really just had stopped caring about my heart. I know that must sound weird and just to clarify, it had NOTHING to do with my marriage. I love David and our life together is such a blessing. My life circumstances dumped me into a place of apathy. I can't make too many excuses because ultimately I make my own decisions. This apathy frustrated me. I wanted to care, but couldn't force myself to. I guess I thought that moving to our new house and having a new start would magically solve my problems, but surprise, surprise, it didn't. God's renewing of my heart has been slow, one baby step at a time. It started with cleansing tears, a warm embrace, and an excitement to be back in the Word.

About a week and a half ago, David and I took communion together before Wednesday night super at church. It was just the two of us at the altar, sharing this intimate meal together. We have not taken communion together like this, ever! It was so special for me and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt God's presence with me, reminding me of the blessing I have in David. We are in this ministry "thing" together- for all the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. It's hard being the spouse and figuring out how to be me in all of this. Another pastor's wife reminded me of the importance of remembering who I am and not worrying about perceptions. She's right- I don't have to be anyone else but me!

I just sense God moving in little ways here and little ways there and my heart is feeling uplifted once more. Praise Jesus!

In His Mercy.

False Idols

This summer, I am finishing up the last 3 classes for my MDiv. One of the classes is a Youth Ministries class, which despite the workload, I am enjoying. As I was reading this week for the class on the power of media in adolescents' lives, I came across a paragraph on "pro-ana" websites. Pro-ana, as in pro-anorexia. What??? My mouth fell open- I am disgusted that these websites exist. I went online and googled "pro ana" and within seconds, I had thousands of websites and videos at my disposable, all dedicated to the worship of "Ana."

It is scary to think that so many girls/ women are enslaved to their bodies in such a way where they stand in front of a mirror, skin and bones, and see flabby arms and thunder thighs. As this author was saying and as I have believed for a long time, things like pro-ana and pro-mia (pro bulimea) are a direct result of the media. The average model or actress on tv is 5'10, 110 pounds, and a size two. The average american woman is 5'4, 140 pounds, and a size ten. Is it any wonder that girls starve themselves. We are told everyday by several different media sources that to be thin is to be beautiful.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went into one of my favorite clothing stores. When we came out, he asked me, "Did you notice how all the clothes were clipped onto the mannequins?" Actually, I had. All the mannequins were wearing the smallest sizes possible and furthermore, if you looked at the back of them, the shirts, pants, etc. had been clipped to snugly fit the mannequins. Why??? BECAUSE MOST WOMEN JUST AREN'T THAT SMALL, PEOPLE! To some extent, even the clothing companies realize that.

As someone who struggled with eating disorder tendencies in the past, todays marketing techniques scare me to no end. We need to embrace who God has created us to be. The Psalms tell us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully" made. 1 Corinthians tells us that our bodies are a temple. There is a balance between embracing the different shapes and sizes God has created us to be and being healthy and taking care of ourselves. Don't believe the media's lies- embrace God's TRUTH!

In His Mercy.

In God's Time

Trusting in God's timing is always a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you just think that everything is coming together. Things are going in your favor and it seems that everything is working in your favor. But then, God comes in and says, "Not yet." Two simple words, easy to understand, but so hard to accept. All you can do is keep going forward, seeing the positive. I tend to be optimistic and think that every cloud has a silver lining.

So, David and I are plugging along. We had our first Sunday at our new church on Sunday. It was a very exciting day! The last hymn we sang was "Great is thy Faithfulness," which is one of my favorite hymns. I just about cried as I thought about all the ways God has taken care of David and I. I really can't complain- I'm sitting here in a beautiful home that David and I purchased, I have a super sweet puppy, the best husband, food, clothes, an education. So while I wish certain things could happen on my time, I am willing to wait on God's timing. A little challenge never hurt anyone=)

In His Mercy.