Holy

What does it mean to be holy? I think so often we tend to think of holiness as something we achieve by being a "good Christian." Bible reading? Check. Pray for a little bit? Check. Serve in some way? Check. Go to church? Check. All of these things are good things to do, but they don't make us holy. That's works righteousness.

Last night before bed, David and I read a Dennis Kinlaw devotional entry together about holiness. It said that holiness is being in the presence of God. Wow! Do you sense the grace in that? It's amazing. It's not about outward perfection, but surrendering our heart's imperfections in the presence of God. This is holiness! God meets us in our most broken places and transforms them into holiness.

It reminds of a book I read a year or two ago. I think it was a Brennan Manning book. He was recalling a time (or two!) when he had fallen asleep praying. God doesn't get mad at us when we do that. We chose to be in God's presence in that moment and God knows our hearts. To me, that is an example of how even in our imperfections and what we label as "mistakes", God is surrounding us with His holiness.

It almost makes me wonder- is holiness something we "own" per se, or is it something that is strictly God's that he clothes us with? Food for thought....

In His Mercy.

Tis the Season

Happy Advent everyone! I've been so bad about writing this year. Things got complicated earlier in the year and emotionally, I just kind of excused myself from caring about much of anything. I've always enjoyed writing, so when I writing became an event that rarely occurred, I knew something was up. I've slowly started to come back to it all. That's the thing about healing, it only takes an instant to be torn-up, chewed-up, and spit back out; its what happens afterwards that poses the biggest challenge.

Healing is something that I have thought about a lot lately. There is a precious little girl- a younger sibling of one of the four-yr-olds at the preschool- who is terminally ill with a rare form of cancer. When we received the news, my heart immediately began to ache. Let me back up. She had a liver transplant in the Spring that was successful and we were all under the impression that she was in the clear. Just before Thanksgiving, they found four more masses, all cancerous and all the same rare cancer. At this point, not much can be done. She's been given a 0% chance of survival. I barely know this family, but I found myself in tears at our morning staff meeting. One, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the family is going through. And two, I cannot grasp why this happens.

I believe in God's healing, but I also believe that sometimes God's healing does not look how we want it so look. For example, when my grandmother passed away from cancer at the age of 89, I believe her death was her healing. She lived a long, fulfilling life and God ended her suffering. Healing. But here is this tiny child, not even 2 years old, and medically-speaking, she has no chance of surviving. I believe in God's miracles and I pray that He would "wow" the doctors with a miraculous healing of this sweet, innocent child. But what if He doesn't? Does that mean He did not hear the prayers of His people? Does that mean that he does not love this little girl? Of course not. I just have a hard time comprehending this all.I just wish that sometimes we could just get our way.

The truth be told, I am glad that I cannot understand God. There is something strangely comforting about not fully grasping onto who God is. God is God. He is in control. And even though it's scary and uncertain, I believe He is holding sweet Aubrey in His lands, loving on her, and loving on her family.

Healing is a very mysterious thing....

In His Mercy.

Worship

These past two Sundays, I've had some very powerful worship moments. Last Sunday, David took his (mine, too!) Disciple class to worship at the Sunday evening service at Atlanta 1st UMC. It was so powerful! For me, it felt like a cross between Catacombs (worship service from my college days) and The Rock/La Roca UMC. Think high church look, acoustic feel, and in an inner-city setting. The worship team was incredible- just three people- a cross between Chris Tomlin and Kirk Franklin. Sounds weird, but it worked. I am not even sure how to articulate my experience other than to say that there was something utterly raw and real about the worship. Surprisingly, given that I grew-up in a middle-class, suburban church, I am drawn to inner-city churches.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. St. James had a beautiful service. The choir sang a requiem that they had pieced out throughout the service. During communion, the two most beautiful sections were sung. It took all I had to not cry. I sat there, watching people come up for communion, thinking about all the people that have gone before us, but yet inspire us still. As I was reflecting, the associates son came up with his wife to take communion. He is a injured soldier. About a month or so ago, he was being transported from one base to another in Afghanistan when their Hummer drove over a bomb. His sergeant was killed and he suffered from a serious arm injury. I sat there thinking about how on the one hand we are celebrating the saints, but on the other, here we have someone who God spared. How emotional that must have been for his family!

Then I looked over to see a father and his daughter come up. The daughter took communion first and walked straight to the altar. Most kids (I've noticed) wait for their parents, waiting for an example of what to do. She, however, knelt down at the altar rail and began to pray. Her father came and knelt down right beside her, their shoulders overlapping. It was such a beautiful picture of what prayer is- the faith of a child and a father right there with her. When we pray, we should pray with the confidence of a child, knowing that although we pray to a Holy God, He is right there with us!

In His Mercy.

One Year

A year ago today, I was on the way to West Hartford United Methodist Church to walk down the aisle and marry David=) These past couple of days I have allowed my imagination to recreate that day and take a walk down memory lane. It was such a surreal, beautiful, and blessed time of our lives as we made preparations and exchanged our vows. I told David beforehand that I was more excited about the ceremony than I was about our reception. Don't get me wrong- our reception was a blast and very memorable! But, the ceremony was when we made a commitment to stay together in marriage until death parts us. To me, THAT is the most important part of marriage.

Our first year of marriage has been challenging, fun, ordinary, and exciting. God has taken us on quite a journey! He has taught us to trust Him in everything and for everything. There were times when that was difficult, but every time, He provided and He took care of us and blessed us with a wonderful life together. For that, I am forever grateful

And to David, I love you. This year has been great, but I can't wait to see what happens this year!

In His Mercy.

It's Been a While

Well, it's officially been a long time since I have written. The reasons are many! The biggest reason was that I was finishing my MDiv. On Friday, August 28th, I finished it after four long years of constant hard work! Seminary=no breaks if you want to graduate in 4 yrs or less. Several people have asked me if I have more time on my hands now and strangely, it seems that I don't. I juts have new things taking up my time=)

God is doing a good work in my life. For the past year+, I was in a place where I really just had stopped caring about my heart. I know that must sound weird and just to clarify, it had NOTHING to do with my marriage. I love David and our life together is such a blessing. My life circumstances dumped me into a place of apathy. I can't make too many excuses because ultimately I make my own decisions. This apathy frustrated me. I wanted to care, but couldn't force myself to. I guess I thought that moving to our new house and having a new start would magically solve my problems, but surprise, surprise, it didn't. God's renewing of my heart has been slow, one baby step at a time. It started with cleansing tears, a warm embrace, and an excitement to be back in the Word.

About a week and a half ago, David and I took communion together before Wednesday night super at church. It was just the two of us at the altar, sharing this intimate meal together. We have not taken communion together like this, ever! It was so special for me and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt God's presence with me, reminding me of the blessing I have in David. We are in this ministry "thing" together- for all the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. It's hard being the spouse and figuring out how to be me in all of this. Another pastor's wife reminded me of the importance of remembering who I am and not worrying about perceptions. She's right- I don't have to be anyone else but me!

I just sense God moving in little ways here and little ways there and my heart is feeling uplifted once more. Praise Jesus!

In His Mercy.

False Idols

This summer, I am finishing up the last 3 classes for my MDiv. One of the classes is a Youth Ministries class, which despite the workload, I am enjoying. As I was reading this week for the class on the power of media in adolescents' lives, I came across a paragraph on "pro-ana" websites. Pro-ana, as in pro-anorexia. What??? My mouth fell open- I am disgusted that these websites exist. I went online and googled "pro ana" and within seconds, I had thousands of websites and videos at my disposable, all dedicated to the worship of "Ana."

It is scary to think that so many girls/ women are enslaved to their bodies in such a way where they stand in front of a mirror, skin and bones, and see flabby arms and thunder thighs. As this author was saying and as I have believed for a long time, things like pro-ana and pro-mia (pro bulimea) are a direct result of the media. The average model or actress on tv is 5'10, 110 pounds, and a size two. The average american woman is 5'4, 140 pounds, and a size ten. Is it any wonder that girls starve themselves. We are told everyday by several different media sources that to be thin is to be beautiful.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went into one of my favorite clothing stores. When we came out, he asked me, "Did you notice how all the clothes were clipped onto the mannequins?" Actually, I had. All the mannequins were wearing the smallest sizes possible and furthermore, if you looked at the back of them, the shirts, pants, etc. had been clipped to snugly fit the mannequins. Why??? BECAUSE MOST WOMEN JUST AREN'T THAT SMALL, PEOPLE! To some extent, even the clothing companies realize that.

As someone who struggled with eating disorder tendencies in the past, todays marketing techniques scare me to no end. We need to embrace who God has created us to be. The Psalms tell us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully" made. 1 Corinthians tells us that our bodies are a temple. There is a balance between embracing the different shapes and sizes God has created us to be and being healthy and taking care of ourselves. Don't believe the media's lies- embrace God's TRUTH!

In His Mercy.

In God's Time

Trusting in God's timing is always a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you just think that everything is coming together. Things are going in your favor and it seems that everything is working in your favor. But then, God comes in and says, "Not yet." Two simple words, easy to understand, but so hard to accept. All you can do is keep going forward, seeing the positive. I tend to be optimistic and think that every cloud has a silver lining.

So, David and I are plugging along. We had our first Sunday at our new church on Sunday. It was a very exciting day! The last hymn we sang was "Great is thy Faithfulness," which is one of my favorite hymns. I just about cried as I thought about all the ways God has taken care of David and I. I really can't complain- I'm sitting here in a beautiful home that David and I purchased, I have a super sweet puppy, the best husband, food, clothes, an education. So while I wish certain things could happen on my time, I am willing to wait on God's timing. A little challenge never hurt anyone=)

In His Mercy.

A "Brief" Update?

There have been many times this past month that I have wanted to sit down and write. I've had a lot of thoughts rolling around my head, but unfortunately my motivation to blog has been nil. I want to get back to it, so today is my hodge-podge of an update.

Last semester, I took two cross-cultural leadership classes. It was a very interesting experience. I have a heart for cross-cultural leadership and was very excited to share my passion with the class. Each class entailed a final project. The first project was to create a ministry plan to be implemented that either enhances a cross-cultural ministry that already exists or to start a new one. It had to be written from the context that we were currently in, so for me that meant a brand new ministry. On the other hand, I had to present a cross-cultural ministry that was already in existence. Easy- did that for two years in Kentucky! So, here I am struggling with the fact that I had to force this ministry on someone who didn't really want it. I wrestled with the question of "what id they're not willing?" Well, as I interviewed ministry leaders for my other presentation, I was struck by the fact that the pastor said, "diversity happened on accident." In other words, it happened because they became relevant. It wasn't forced. What a juxtaposition to the ministry plan I was designing! So, I am left at the end of the semester with the same question I had at the beginning of the semester- how does cross-cultural ministry really happen and can it be forced? I just don't know....

I graduated on May 23rd from seminary! Well, I still have three classes this summer- THEN I am done, but it was fun to go through all the pomp and circumstance. David and I traveled back up to Wilmore on the 22nd. For whatever reason, I became very emotional about it all. As I sat and watched people cross the stage that I had come in with, I started thinking about all the friendships that had been formed and the experiences we had together. I realized that this was an experience that could never be duplicated. You live, you learn, and you move on. Perhaps I never really internalized the moving on part. I knew it in theory, but as I sat their, I knew I needed to know it in reality. I enjoyed seeing the places I lived, seeing the place where David and I met, seeing Clucker's, but now I need to appreciate it and move on. I treasure my days in Wilmore, but it's time to move on and treasure a new season in my life.

David and I moved into our new home a week ago. We've had new floors put in and new furniture and I love it. The Lord has blessed David and I in so many ways that have brought us to this place. After a marathon moving day last thursday, I stepped into our new shower and cried. Something as simple as a shower in a new place overwhelmed me with gratitude. David and I have certainly learned about taking things for granted- we didn't this past year because we weren't given the opportunity to. As a result, we are able to love and embrace our quaint home. 

God is good...all the time. All the time...God is good.

In His Mercy.

Summer Time, and the Livin' is Easy

Well, it is almost summer time. I had my last day of work yesterday. All my class work is due within the next few days. And then- TWO WEEKS OF NOTHING! Yes, sadly my summer will consist of 3 online classes and preschool training events. So, I get my two weeks of easy summer livin'!

It has been such a great year. It's hard to believe that 10 months ago, I walked into the preschool doors, not knowing what to expect. A few teachers wrote little notes to me telling me about all the "shoes I had to fill" I never thought about, but they're right. I had to step into a lot of new roles this past year. I stepped into the role as a wife- and a pastor's wife at that! I stepped in as one of the director's assistants at the preschool. This included many little and big jobs- I never knew what to expect. I stepped into the role of substitute teacher. Every class was different and so each time I stepped into the role, I was presented with different challenges. And, I stepped into the role as the Music and Spanish teacher when Cara left to have her baby. This was so great because I got to work with all the kids. And what a blessing they were. Their hugs and "I Love you's" were enough to melt my heart and taught me about God's love for me. It's amazing how kids are so insightful without even knowing it. I see the heart of God all the time in these kids.

I feel so incredibly blessed. It has almost been a full year since I moved down to Georgia and it has been quite the ride! God has blessed me beyond words. I have done things I have never done before and done them with bravery and trust in the Lord who gave me all these good things. I am so excited to see what God will allow me to accomplish in these NEXT 12 months. 

Life is good right now. We're closing on a house in 2 1/2 weeks. God is making my heart new. God is giving me rest and excitement. Praise the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever!

In His Mercy.

Surrender

It's 10:20 as I write this and normally by this time, I am snug alseep under the covers- 6 am gets here way too quick! Perhaps it's just one of those nights where I can't sleep or perhaps it's because the speaker at church told us that he was going to pray that if we have stuff to deal with, that we wouldn't sleep tonight. I haven't figured out if it's the latter or the former...

Sunday he spoke of commitment vs. surrender. To be honest, I never would have thought to juxtapose the two, but it makes sense. I can commit myself to God, but so what? If that's all I did, the excuses could abound- I'm not behaving because I haven't heard the Lord speak to me.....but I am committed to Him. Or, I am committed to Him as long as everything goes my way...

One of the definitions of commitment is: an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. A commitment can almost hogtie your hands- where is the freedom of that? Should we be in bondage with the Lord? Absolutely not.

But surrender on the other hand is a whole other story. Surrender is abandonment of self in humility to the Lord. There is a freedom in letting go of that bondage. Surrender is wreckless abandonment. It's a relinquishment of all that we cling to. It's freedom...as strange as that sounds, it's freedom. Surrendering to God is not a restriction of freedom, but the unleashing of freedom to be who God has created us to be. It all seems so complex and contradictory- and maybe it is, but it makes complete sense...

Maybe I do have stuff to work on.

In His Mercy.

Pourin' Out My Love

A couple of weeks ago, a little girl at the preschool where I work started hugging her teacher. Her teacher said, "Stella, what are you doing?" Her response was, "I'm just pourin' out my love on you." I think my mouth kind of dropped over. Probably without even realizing it, this little girl gave me a clear picture of (part of) who God is. God doesn't need a reason to pour His love out on us- He just does it, no questions asked. And wow, did I need love poured out on me this past week.

Monday night, David and I received some disheartening news that brought us to our knees in surrender. Only God could get us out of this. The turnaround in 24 hours was amazing- God's grace through and through. It was exhausting going from extreme worry to extreme praise and excitement. I don't have words for what God has done for us- just that He is GOOD! His faithfulness to provide for us is mind-boggling. I felt God's love being poured out on me for sure!

Not to mention, as the new music and spanish teacher at the preschool, I am constantly being loved by those kids. I've gotten planty of hugs, I love you's, and one little special needs boy said to me the other day, "Miss. Sarah? You're a sweet girl!" God is using these little kids in ways that they don't even know!

In His Mercy.

Sunshine Day

Well, it feels like Spring here in Geogia, at least for the time being. The weatherman says it will get cold again. Maybe straight hair season is not over quite yet=)

David and I spent the afternoon running errands. We ran over to Target, Best Buy, the dry cleaner's, and then grabbed some lunch. I sat at the table with David and was suddenly overcome by emotions regarding our upcoming move. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to be a pastor's wife. The truth is, I got spoiled this time around. Because David is THE staff and there wasn't really an office for him at the church, it meant he could work from home. It meant he could eat lunch with me when I got home from work. It meant he could help cook dinner and go grocery shopping with me in the afternoon.

I'm excited about our move, but I have my fears. I keep thinking that it is going to be a tough transition. He'll be on staff and won't be around as much. am I being selfish? I am so grateful for our time together here and I am excited for what the future holds, but it is so hard to just trust that even though our schedules will look different, we are still on the top of each other's priority lists.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and in all your ways acknowledge him."

In His Mercy.

The Apple- 3 in 1?

I went to a preschool conference on Friday. One of the workshops I went to was about how to incorporate faith-based lessons in the classroom. One of the ideas she gave us was to take an apple and explain to the kids that our Trinitarian GOd is like an apple. Well, like any good Asburian, a red flag went up. In a worship class I took as Asbury, we discussed how analogies like this are borderline heretical. To say that God is like an apple is modalism. God does not function in 3 different modes, but the three persons work together as a unit. The leader of this workshop made it sound as if we gave the kids this analogy, then we will have taken care of the "trinity problem." Why do we feel the need to squelch a child's sense of wonder? If as adults we don't fully understand the trinity, then why are reducing God to an apple to appease a child?

This is a problem with a lot of today's children's curricula: it's simplistic and takes away the chance for the child to ask questions. One of my biggest pet peeves is when VBS teachers or children's ministry leaders take a curriculum and read it verbatim. They get flustered when a child asks a question that the pages in front of them don't answer. When did we stop speaking from the heart? When did we start disallowing a child's freedom to be curious? What we need is open-ended curriculum that allows for the innocence of a child to remain past their Sunday school years....

In His Mercy.

You Sweep Away

I haven't written for a while. I would like to be able to say that I had an over-abundance of things to say, but that's just not the case. Here's what IS the case: I am just in a dry spot. Every now and then, God reveals little pearls of truth to me. I relish in them. The other day, David and I were doing our devotion together. It was talking about having a truly sacrificial love for one another. And then it said that Jesus died for us, even though no one understood why He had to die. It was at this point that "sacrificial" had a new meaning for me. I mean thinking about it: Jesus dies for us, out of love for us, and we had no clue why, but He did it anyway. That is a challenging truth. Love is something of such depth and purity and preciousness. No one but the God of the universe could love me so deeply that he died for me when I was absolutely clueless about why. As much as my hubby or my parents love me, God loves me all the more.

Praise God!

In His Mercy.

While I'm Waiting

This has been a time of waiting for David and I. As is public knowledge, we are (fingers crossed) being moved to a new church this summer. While we are excited about this new chapter unfolding, it's a bit unnerving (at least for me) to have to wait for that phone call from the D.S. David did have an interview on Tuesday, but sensed that it wasn't what God has for us.

I just want to know where we'll be. This whole "waiting thing" is weighing on my heart. As most of my close friends, family,and of course Hubby know, I am itching to have a baby. David and I are both excited about me getting "preggers," but as of right now, we know we have to wait. I have to admit, I am struggling with the waiting. It's not that I feel like we have to rush, I am just anxious to have a baby. It's a desire that is deeply embedded into my heart- I can't even articulate it. So I sit here, waiting, happy for my friends who ARE pregnant, but struggling in the wait.

I guess it comes down to this: how can being a mom and having a career pan out? I want both, but the desire for a family is so much stronger, but practically speaking a job would be helpful. Not only helpful, but something I want- I am 13 hours away from earning my 96-hour master's degree and I didn't go through this for nothing! Do you see my struggle????

In His Mercy.....

New Year

Well, it's a new year! I have been on quite the journey this past year. A year ago, I sat on my in-laws stair steps next to David in tears. We would be apart for the next 5 months and it was breaking my heart. I made it through my third year of seminary and moved down to Georgia. I got a job, took three online classes, and planned my wedding. And then of course---I got married! While the year had its challenges, it was full of blessings. David and I shared our first Christmas together as a husband and wife and it was so much fun! I made us breakfast and we had fun opening our presents in our pj's before heading to his parents house. My mom was surprised Christmas day with a ticket to come see me for my birthday, so she was there when I turned 26! 

So now I am coming down off of what seemed like a one-year wedding high and am facing the inevitable return to work in three days. So what are my new years resolutions? Well, of course there's the typical "lose 10 pounds" that every person seems to resolve themselves to after a long, sugary December, but what I really desire is a deeper relationship with the Lord. I feel like somewhere amidst wedding plans and settling into married life that I have lost touch with who I am and more importantly whose I am. I don't know what this new year holds, but I know the one Who holds my life in HIs hands and THAT is what I want a deeper understanding of!

In His Mercy.