Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always a hard lesson to learn. Lately, I have found myself on both sides of the forgiveness spectrum. By this, I mean to say that not only did I need to extend forgiveness, but I needed to ask for forgiveness. In the first situation, I guess I adopted a mentality that attempted to bodly proclaim that since it was out of sight, it was out of mind. But it wasn't out of mind. Rather, I think it was "out of heart." I almost wanted to confront the situation head-on so that I COULD have real anger, frustration, and sadness. As it is, I feel like I went through the motions of the emotions- almost as an obligation. I find it hard to forgive in a situation that I'm physically separated from. But yesterday, I told the Lord that I officially have extended my forgiveness. After all, the terms of forgiveness have to be God's, not mine!

And then there's the need to seek forgiveness. This is hard- it's a big blow to pride and egos. And I admit that sometimes I struggle with pride. But I confess here that I needed forgiveness these past couple of weeks. I needed it bad.And yesterday I got it. It meant seeking forgiveness with this person and seeking forgiveness from the Lord.It's never an easy conversation to have. But, it is a testimony of God's love for me and this person's love for me. I think my struggle with apathy these past few weeks was because of the fact that I had forgiveness issues to resolve. I had to make things right in my life. Something inside of me knew that I couldn't fully come to the Lord when there were things that I was holding onto- white-knuckled at that. Te truth is that the Lord knows everything anyways, so it shouldn't be hard to just come out and say it. who are we kidding when we think we can hide from the Lord?

So yeah, apathy can be bad- but forgiveness is always good! Life is pretty busy right now. Right now, I am finding it impossible to do every single thing that needs to get done. Somehow I have to learn to prioritize and to realize that sometimes things have to be left undone. Someone once said that in ministry, you feel like you never actually "finish" anything. I think seminary can speak to that=) So I go on with my life now, knowing that I am free to forgive and be forgiven and knowing that I am loved by the best people on earth!

In His Mercy.

The Presence of God

I've been feeling pretty apathetic towards things lately. It started out as apathy towards a specific situation and then became general apathy. I felt like I was trying to give from nothing, worship without the heart, and trying to feel things when really I couldn't. Today in chapel Pete Greig spoe about prayer. Pete is British and began the 24/7 prayer movement. God's anointing was truly on him as he spoke passionately about prayer. In my head, I thought about how much I want a passionate prayer life, how much I want to be a prayer warrior, how much I want to just be in God's presence without worrying about having to be somewhere or do something. I just want to be and I want to BE with God.

During the last song we sang before the official benediction, I tried my hardest to fit my heart into a space it seemed to be resisting. Complete apathy. No emotion. JD gives the benediction and Matt starts to lead those of us who wanted to stay in "All Who Are Thrirsty." That's when the tears started. First a tear down one cheek. Then one down the other. and then the floodgates opened. I have a couple of reactions to this experience. First of all, let me say this: the presence of God was there. God was there. God graced us this morning and it was good.

I realized that there is a depth in the human heart that we couldn't possibly comprehend. There is a depth of pain lodged in my heart that I can't even begin to understand, but felt the effects of today. I know I have some forgiveness to deal with. I know I need to find my peace with God. But I also know that I am hurt. But God's visit to Asbury this morning was yet another reminder of the promises of God: that he gives us streams to drink from, a banquet to eat from, a hope to lean on, a faithfulness to trust in, and a love that feeds us daily. Wow. That's all I can say: WOW.

I also realized that perhaps God was moving among us to call us to a deeper prayer life. Maybe there was a reason why we all stayed in Estes today. I want to hear God's voice in this. I honestly do want to go deeper. I don't want to be satisfied with where I am now. I want to go deeper. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And only God can fill me up...

In His Mercy.

It's Raining Blood

Chapel was really good today at school. Shane Bernard (of Shane and Shane) led worship. This in and of itself was amazing=) Jd preached about humility and the "spirical" nature of worship. When he blessed the bread and the cup for communion, he had us raise our hands. Well, being an introvert, I sometimes get uncomfortable with people telling me how to worship. Something that I actually have thought a lot about and prayed a lot about in the past year is the idea of being free to worship. Worship is a form of freedom that we have here. At any rate, I stood there with my hands raised and in my mind I had this vision of Jesus' blood running down my fingertips and covering my arms. I felt the Spirit embrace me in that moment and I was filled with such a peace. What a powerful thing to know that I washed by the blood of Jesus!

Life is good right now- really good. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed by my semester right now, but life is still good. I moved into my new apartment on Monday, which is such a blessing. I feel like I can relax after a tough summer. I have found myself in moments of complete gratitude for the friends I have and the people I am surrounded by. I am reminded daily of the love of my Savior. That love is expressed to me through my incredible, patient, caring boyfriend. Seriously, it is only by the power of Christ's love that David could possibly love me like he does=) I'm just full of joy right now=)

In Christ's Mercy.