Family

I think one of the hardest things for me to handle with my involvement in children's ministries is seeing the brokenness in the family that accompanies it. I was talking to my parents yesterday about a certain situation that I had encountered this week in regard to brokenness in the family and I found myself in tears. I just cannot understand it. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot accept the fact that there are kids being beaten, who are told that it's "for their own good." It is NEVER acceptable to beat a child, or anyone for that matter. But of all the people to beat, to beat a child seems senseless and evil. I nanny a few kids and when I spend time with them, I just can't imagine ever laying a hand on them. I love them with all my heart. They are so precious.

Abuse in the home seems to be cyclical. When you tell a child that it's for their own good that they are beaten and that they are loved, well those are pretty mixed messages, but that child automatically is more suseptible to becoming an abuser. It's an ugly cycle that needs to be broken. Kids need to know that it is NOT OK to be beaten.

I propose that ministry HAS to be to the family, and not just the child. If we are just ministering to the child, then we are missing out on a very important component. If we recognize the severe brokenness in the child, then we almost have to assume that there is severe brokenness in the family- whether that is physical abuse, or emotional/mental abuse. Therefore, ministry needs to start with the family. If the family unit is broken as a whole, then how is that child ever going to be ok???

Just some things on my mind....

God's Delight

So right now I'm reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I was reading the other day about how each individual is an expression of God's delight. his really struck me. It's amazing to think that God delights in me, and in everyone else. He didn't have to create us, but he did. And here I am, God's delight. What an act of love and grace. There are so many things that I do that I know God doesn't delight in, but God delighted to create me and that is no small thing. In a way, this obligates me to love myself. I'm at a place where I can honestly say that I do love myself. It wasn't without a lot of tears and struggle with Satan that I got here. But by God's grace I've learned to see the good in myself.I don't say this with arrogance, because I believe that it's hard to love the Lord and/or our neighbors when we don't love ourelves.If we don't see ourselves as being made in God's image, then how will we see others as being made in God's image???

Another random thought. Yesterday in chapel we sang an old school Maranatha song- "I will never be the same again." I love this song and it brang back a lot of memories yesterday. Right before I left for college 6 years ago, I gave my testimony at the church I grew up in and I sang this song to close my testimony/sermon. If there's one thing that needs to be understood from a life that God has redeemed, it's the idea of transformation. It's a life that is sold-out to Jesus Christ, making HIM the center of everythng. Life simply can't be the same and given the choice, I wouldn't want my life to be what it was before I became a Christian. I can't imagine not having this love, grace, mercy, comfort, etc in my life. I can't go back.There's just no way I can. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and I will never be the same again...

In His Mercy.

Emotions Gone Haywire

I think that being an emotional person is a gift from God. I've had people- in the past- tell me that I'm "too emotional." What exactly does this mean? That I can't control my emotions? That too much emotion is a bad thing? That God made a mistake when he made me emotional? I'll admit that there have been times when I've let my emotions get the best of me. If there is one thing that God has taught me about being emotional, it's that emotions can be used for good or evil. But really, God wants me to learn how to keep my emotions in check and use them for His glory.

That being said, I hereby confess that thursday's post was an example of a time when my emotions got the best of me. I used vagueness and anger to make myself feel better, but really I feel awful about the whole thing. So to the person that "sparked" that entry, I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry for being emotional, but I am sorry that I let my anger get the best of me, when all along God wants my best....

In His Mercy.

Great Jehovah

Guide me, o thou great Jehovah
Pilgrim through this barren land
I am weak, but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful hand
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven
Feed me till I want no more, feed me till I want no more

Open now the crystal fountain
Whence the healing stream doth flow
Let the fire and cloudy pillar lead me all my journey through
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer
Be thou still my strength and shield, be thou still my strength and shield

When I tread the verge of Jordan
Bid my anxious fears subside
Death of death and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side
Songs of praises, songs of praises
I will ever give to thee, I will ever give to thee


We sang this hymn last night during band practice at church. I love this hymn. It was another nudge from God that it's not about me, it's all about Him. Right now I'm angry. Maybe upset or hurt would be better, less harsh words. I'm just tired of being treated as if my thoughts and emotions don't matter. I'm tired of avoidance instead of confrontation. Is avoidance a lie? Because confrontation is the truth. I am weak, but my God is mighty and He is the strength inside of me. I see myself as a strong person because of the Lord inside of me. I can handle the truth because in the end, the truth is always better than a lie or avoidance- however you want to look at it.

I love this hymn because of its imagery: the crystal fountain, God as my strength and shield, feeding me the bread of heaven, being led by the fire and cloudy pillar....Whatever life throws at me, my God is bigger than that. Satan can't knock me down when I'm calling on the name of Jesus Christ.

Your love is all I need...

In His Mercy.

Bearing our Burdens

I was doing some thinking yesterday about friendship. One of the things that really struck me was how friendship is expressed in brokenness. The power of friendship is almost magnified when friends meet each other in their brokenness. My pastor back home in CT once asked us during a sermon how many friends we have that will cry with us or offer their shoulders to cry on. At the time, I had trouble coming up with someone, but now as I answer that question 9 years later, I can honestly say that I have a handful of friends who will bear my burdens with me. And this is such a gift, a blessing, a small glimpse into the grace of God. Being able to sit with a friend and listen, offer advice, and pray for them is a powerful thing. To have someone listen to me, cry with me, let me cry on their shoulder, hold me in their arms, and pray for me is beyond what I imagined I would have in my life. It's easy enough to be someone's friend when life is good, but what happens when the rain comes? Are we going to take shelter and remove ourselves from the situation? Galatians 6:2 says that bearing each other's burdens fulfills the law of Christ. Does this mean empathy is a call on all our lives, and not just the emotional people? I think there is a line to be drawn between empathizing and being swept away in other people's problems, but I think true friendship is exressed best in brokenness and we are called to ache with other people. And on a side note, I don't think bearing each other's burdens means just with our friends, but with all people, but that is another entry all together=)

Life is coming at me fast right now. It seems like everytime a question is answered, 3 more questions arise. I am left in a perpetual state of questioning! But I suppose that's a good thing. God is faithful. He is my rock.This is something I am constantly coming back to as I leave the past in the past and press on each day.

Pictures of Egypt

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
~*Sara Groves*~

Last night at church, we as a praise team attempted to learn this song. Didn't work out-mainly because it was not in the right key. Anyway, I found myself coming back to the lyrics of the song today, mainly the chorus. It seems that at every major transition in my life since graduating high school, I'm always looking behind me. One thing that obviously needed to be re-thought when I got to college was what my idea of "normal" was. In all honesty, "normal" became muddy to me when Matt left for college. I felt like a piece of our family was missing. So maybe my view of normal was when all four of us were under the same roof. But in college, I realized that if this was really the case, then life would never be normal again.

So then I left for college- off to Boston it was! Four years later, I moved to Kentucky. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be living in KEntucky. So clearly, a new definition of normal needs to be made. And it all comes down to my identity being in Jesus Christ. I am a child of God- a daughter of our sovereign God. THIS is the only normal thing I know. God is faithful- never once has He EVER let me down. I need to stop looking behind me. I am not who I was 6 years ago when I graduated from high school, 2 years ago when I graduated from college, or even a year ago when God sent me through a refining fire to snap me back into the reality of where I was.

I'm growing up. For the first time in my life, I've realized that I am a strong person. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make a home for myself 900 miles from my childhood. I can challenge myself and trust that the Lord will honor that. Who I am now cannot live in the "normal" I once was so sure of.

I am so in love with the Lord- what could be more normal than that?

In His Mercy....

Christ is Risen!

One of my favorite things about my church back home on Easter s when we Sing "Christ the Lord is Risen Today", with the majestic pipe organ accompanying us, and people walking up to the front of the sanctuary to place flowers on a wooden cross- symbolizing new life. It gave me goosebumps every year. And today I wish I could have been there for that.

But I am here, in Kentucky, and even in Kentucky, Christ has still risen! We sang a song today with these words: I'll praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead. And really, this is a good way to look at Easter. It's about celebrating the fact that because Christ has risen, we no longer have to live in death. Living in death is not a fun place to be and as I sang these words today, my heart was bursting with joy when I reflected on what I was saved from. I was brought from hopelessness to hope, darkeness to light, despair to joy, death to LIFE. And what a good life God has blessed me with!

During the last song, I stayed in my seat and just started to pray and think about what Jesus has done for me. A woman came over from a few pews behind to see if I was ok. I told her I was, but as soon as she left, I started to cry. She came over again at the end of the service and just held me. Boy did I need that. Sometimes God reaches out to us through other people and the good Lord knew that my heart is aching. I hate that I'm away from my family right now because of stuff that's going on back home. I'm struggling to fully accept where I am in life. I'm wanting to be home for Easter in way that I can't even describe.

But Christ has risen....He has risen indeed! And as I face the rest of today, I know that I am not alone- not now, not ever...

In His Mercy.

Danger of Silence

So I have had the past two days to immerse myself in silence. Both of my roommates are currently away for Easter, so I have been left alone in our quiet, empty house. Yesterday I rather enjoyed the silence. Today the hours dragged on, although at the same time it's hard to believe I've been up for over 12 hours. It's amazing the things you are faced with in the silence.

I have to admit that I've never been a fan of silence.I'm normally the one who feels the need to somehow fill the silences- whether it be a corny joke, nervous laughter, or some random question. There are very few people in my life that I'm ok being silent with. In fact, when things have been silent in group gatherings and I haven't broken that silence, people have asked me if there's anything wrong. These scenarios say 2 things- one, I'm afraid of silence. And two, so are other people. Our world is so noisy, with tv, stereos, iPods, video games, and the need to fill uneasy silent spots in the conversation. Why are we so afraid to be still and to be quiet? Life gets so crazy and if we never slow down, we are causing ourselves and maybe even others more harm than good.

These past two days have been almost out of character for me. Normally I always turn on my stereo for background noise. I love music- sometimes I pick out the songs that would be on my own personal soundtrack. But this weekend, I turned my stereo off and slowed things down. There's a lot that I need to process through, as always. I think we get afraid of silence because God often speaks to us in the silence and sometimes we just don't want to hear what he says. He showed me some things in my own heart today that I wish weren't there. No wonder silence is a spiritual discipline..

Last year was my first Easter away from home. It was tough, but Jan and I had an awesome Easter! After church, we spent the afternoon cooking and ate Easter dinner with a bunch of our friends in the Wilmore mini park. It was so much fun! This year I again will not be home for Easter, obviously. And it certainly mde it harder to say goodbye to my parents on wednesday, knowing that just 4 days later, I would be by myself on Easter. But God is so faithful and tommorow is not a day to wish for something more when God has already given me "more!" So rejoice, for Christ is ALIVE!!!

In His Mercy...

Being Swept Away

So somehow I made it through 2 very tough weeks at school and have now enjoed the first half of my "Spring Break," which is actually reading week.Apparently in grad school breaks are not allowed.My parents have been here since thursday, which as been nice. Family is really important to me and I don't get to see them that often now that I'm living in Kentucky.

Mom and I sat in my kitchen today talking about dreaming and life. I found myself in tears. It's so easy to get caught up in what we "should" have, when all along God is providing for our deepest needs, even the needs that we don't perceive. One of my favorite Scripture passages is Isaiah 55. The first verse says, "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!" Everyday, our Lord invites us to stuff our faces with Him and drink deep of a well of Living Water.The fact is, I have everything I could possibly need and so much more.Yet my heart is crying out to be satisfied.

I listened to this awesome song called "Sweep Me Away" by Kari Jobe. One of the lines is "sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters." Nothing else matters save Jesus Christ! I want my life to mirror that. I'm not saying I think it's wrong to dream. I dream all the time. But at the end of the day, nothing else should matter but Jesus Christ in me.

Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Then come, just as you are, and eat and drink from a banqueting table that will never be empty!!!