Butterfly Blessing

The afternoon before my granma died, my mom saw a huge, beautiful monarch butterfly flying around her car. It's not very often that you see this in Ct. When my mom told me this, I knew- don't know how, but I did- that my grandmother's time was coming. Apparently, people who have had very full, long lives have trouble "letting go" of their life. So when I heard about this butterfly, I just knew that things were ending and my grandma was going to be given new life. As sad as it was, that new life was the best thing for her. Her last week of life on this earth was not at all ideal.

I flew back into Kentucky yesterday. As I was sitting on the curb of the airport terminal, waiting for my ride, a huge monarch butterfly flew directly at me. I mean, I literally thought that it was going to fly right into my face. For about 10 minutes, it just flew around me. It's been a long time since I have seen a butterfly that big and that beautiful. Again, I thought of new life. This summer has worn me down emotionally, mentally, and in some ways spiritually as well. But, I finally feel like everything is being given some closure. Moving day is fast approaching. David comes back in 5 days. And I know that my grandma is finally at peace. As I watched this butterfly, I felt like God was reminding me that everyday He infuses me with new life.

Praise God for butterflies.

In His Mercy.

Learning to Breathe

This past week has been draining in many ways. Monday was the private burial and memorial service for my grandmother. It was a whirlwind of emotion and many tears. It was definitely strange to see the casket, ready to be lowered into the ground next to my grandfather. It brought back memories of being 7 years old, trying to comprehend that my grandfather was buried under the mound of flowers and dirt that I stood by.

Then David came here tuesday to meet the family- he passed the test=) And it was so nice to spend some time with him here in CT. We went to Boston, played mini-golf, met some family friends, and drank Dunkin Donuts coffee. Life was good.

Today we finished cleaning out my grandmother's apartment and now finally, I am able to just sit and relax. Isn't that what's supposed to happen on a "vacation"?

It seems like everything is coming together now. The stream in the desert is in sight. The hard part with grandma is over. I'll be moving this week into my new apartment and in one more week, David and I will be together again! I am more than grateful that this summer is almost over. It's been trying, and even though I have yet to figure this out, I know that God was forming me and growing me somehow. I trust that that will be revealed in the future! But for now- it's done and over with and I am still in one piece=)

In His Mercy.

Feeling Trapped

Ok,so this is probably going to be a complaining entry, but so be it. If I don't rant right now I'm going to go out of my mind. Summers in Wilmore are not my thing. This is my second summer in Wilmore and honestly, I want to jump out of my skin. Granted, it's been a stressful summer for many reasons, but I guess I feel a bit trapped right now. I'm trapped in a house with mice,ants, and an anxiety-producing atmosphere. I'm trapped in a town that is worlds different than what I am used to. I'm trapped in a sadness that can't go anywhere yet. I'm trapped in boredom and lonliness and frustration and stress and lack of sleep and all I want to do is yell and scream. I want to speak my mind, but at the same time know that sometimes speaking my mind may not be the best option. I just want out. I want normality and routine and the stress that only a seminary semester can give me.

I was telling David the other night that I am craving newness and a fresh start. That's the only way I can put it. I am craving a new environment with new opportunities and and even new stresses. The stress I'm dealing with now is getting to be too big to hang onto. And perhaps I should never have tried to hang onto it. God is probably whispering to me at this very moment to let it go- give it to Him and hold onto the hope that has been right there all along.

I am excited about what my future holds. I am blessed by my present, despite anxiety, stress, and sadness. And, I can learn from my past- even from these past 3 months.

Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

At Home with Mary and Martha

After reading David's blog yesterday about what "home" is, a few things started to pass through my mind. My thoughts alternated between home and the Sabbath and the story of Mary and Martha. Here was my flow of thought:

My first year at Asbury, a student spoke about our only true home being at the communion table with the body and blood of the Lord. And really, this is so true. These past 6 years of undergrad and grad school have meant not having a permanent home. Therefore, our only home can be at the Father's feet. This made me think of the story of MAry and Martha....

Mary sat down at Jesus' feet and listened to Him. Martha ran around, keeping herself busy, and eventually complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her with the preparations. But Jesus told her that Mary had chosen what was better and that wouldn't be taken away from her. I started to think about how maybe God didn't intend for us to ever be so busy that we don't have time to just sit at His feet and listen. But often that's exactly what happens.

Taking a Sabbath is so important. I've had a deeper understanding of this this past summer as I've observed what David goes through. Why is it so hard for us to just rest and take a Sabbath? I mean really, when we're constantly on the go we crave time to kick back and put our feet up, but when we do that all we can think about is everything we have to get done. Essentially, Jesus told Martha not to even worry about stuff like that. Jesus wants us to stop and sit and listen.

Random thoughts- still trying to make sense of them all myself.

In His Mercy.

The Rollercoaster of all Rollercoasters

So I spent about a week waiting for something to happen- waiting for something to DO in this "quaint" little town of Wilmore. Well, ya know the old saying, 'be careful what you wish for'? It's true. Be careful what you wish for. I went home this past week because of less than ideal circumstances. I've spent the summer going through box of Kleenex after box of Kleenex and it all culminated in a memorable moment this past week.

It's a humbling thing to see the cycle of life played out before your eyes. To hold a baby in your arms on the one hand and to have to help your grandmother get up off the couch on the other hand is two sides to the same coin. Life is framed with dependency on other people to get by. If only everyone were blessed enough to have people by their side right up to the very last moments.

I go home in another week- as originally scheduled and planned. And let me tell you, the circumstances will be even less ideal by that time. This all began on Easter Sunday when the whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks. The Lord sent me David just 5 days later. It looks like by next weekend, it will all be over and lo and behold, David will be by my side just in time. The Lord certainly knows what He's doing- tears and pain and all.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, yet completely dried out at the same time. I have no idea what to think or feel or say...But I do know that I am grateful that I do not have to walk this path alone...

In His Mercy.

Sweet Mercies

In my grumblings of the woes of summers in Wilmore, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of hope and joy in my heart. It's situations like the one I am in where God is preparing to do something amazing and I woke up this morning with an excitement in my heart to see what that is! It's in Isaiah 43 where God says "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." I guess- in all honesty- I have felt in these recent weeks that my heart is a spiritual desert right now. I'm waiting to be fed, because I'm hungry and the good Lord knows I am at a loss right now. I have no idea what he wants to do with me right now, but I'm here waiting. And I know without a doubt that God is doing a new thing in my life-even now. And he will continue to do a new thing in me and one day, when I'm not even expecting it, He's going to reveal to me what's going on. I will be given a new understanding and I'll be able to see the way in the desert and drink from the stream in the wasteland.

I am so grateful for the Lord's sweet mercies and I rest in the promise that every morning holds. See, the Lord is doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it????

In His Mercy.

Tiny Dancer

To me this summer has been about being stuck in a place I don't want to be. It's amazing how being in a relationship can reveal things to yourself that maybe you don't want to see. For instance, I always knew I was an impatient person, but I see it even more so now. My impatience seems to be springing from feeling stuck in Wilmore in a house that has lost its charm to me, when the man I love is 6 hours away from me. and the thing is, I am obviously where God wants me to be and David and is where he needs to be and we are where we need to be. If that wasn't the case, God would have provided a different path for us. So how do I deal with the tension of knowing things are how they should be and being impatient with where I am right now and where David and I are???

Maybe it's time to do some serious reflecting and processing. There is always something to be learned. I long for a new phase to come- one where I can move into my new apartment and get a fresh start. But, somehow I need to figure out how to accept where I am right now. The Lord always has a better plan than I do; maybe I just haven't taken the time to seek what that plan and purpose was and still is for this summer.

So to those I've hurt along the way- I am sorry.Please join me in my quest to seek the Lord's purpose in all this....