Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always a hard lesson to learn. Lately, I have found myself on both sides of the forgiveness spectrum. By this, I mean to say that not only did I need to extend forgiveness, but I needed to ask for forgiveness. In the first situation, I guess I adopted a mentality that attempted to bodly proclaim that since it was out of sight, it was out of mind. But it wasn't out of mind. Rather, I think it was "out of heart." I almost wanted to confront the situation head-on so that I COULD have real anger, frustration, and sadness. As it is, I feel like I went through the motions of the emotions- almost as an obligation. I find it hard to forgive in a situation that I'm physically separated from. But yesterday, I told the Lord that I officially have extended my forgiveness. After all, the terms of forgiveness have to be God's, not mine!

And then there's the need to seek forgiveness. This is hard- it's a big blow to pride and egos. And I admit that sometimes I struggle with pride. But I confess here that I needed forgiveness these past couple of weeks. I needed it bad.And yesterday I got it. It meant seeking forgiveness with this person and seeking forgiveness from the Lord.It's never an easy conversation to have. But, it is a testimony of God's love for me and this person's love for me. I think my struggle with apathy these past few weeks was because of the fact that I had forgiveness issues to resolve. I had to make things right in my life. Something inside of me knew that I couldn't fully come to the Lord when there were things that I was holding onto- white-knuckled at that. Te truth is that the Lord knows everything anyways, so it shouldn't be hard to just come out and say it. who are we kidding when we think we can hide from the Lord?

So yeah, apathy can be bad- but forgiveness is always good! Life is pretty busy right now. Right now, I am finding it impossible to do every single thing that needs to get done. Somehow I have to learn to prioritize and to realize that sometimes things have to be left undone. Someone once said that in ministry, you feel like you never actually "finish" anything. I think seminary can speak to that=) So I go on with my life now, knowing that I am free to forgive and be forgiven and knowing that I am loved by the best people on earth!

In His Mercy.

The Presence of God

I've been feeling pretty apathetic towards things lately. It started out as apathy towards a specific situation and then became general apathy. I felt like I was trying to give from nothing, worship without the heart, and trying to feel things when really I couldn't. Today in chapel Pete Greig spoe about prayer. Pete is British and began the 24/7 prayer movement. God's anointing was truly on him as he spoke passionately about prayer. In my head, I thought about how much I want a passionate prayer life, how much I want to be a prayer warrior, how much I want to just be in God's presence without worrying about having to be somewhere or do something. I just want to be and I want to BE with God.

During the last song we sang before the official benediction, I tried my hardest to fit my heart into a space it seemed to be resisting. Complete apathy. No emotion. JD gives the benediction and Matt starts to lead those of us who wanted to stay in "All Who Are Thrirsty." That's when the tears started. First a tear down one cheek. Then one down the other. and then the floodgates opened. I have a couple of reactions to this experience. First of all, let me say this: the presence of God was there. God was there. God graced us this morning and it was good.

I realized that there is a depth in the human heart that we couldn't possibly comprehend. There is a depth of pain lodged in my heart that I can't even begin to understand, but felt the effects of today. I know I have some forgiveness to deal with. I know I need to find my peace with God. But I also know that I am hurt. But God's visit to Asbury this morning was yet another reminder of the promises of God: that he gives us streams to drink from, a banquet to eat from, a hope to lean on, a faithfulness to trust in, and a love that feeds us daily. Wow. That's all I can say: WOW.

I also realized that perhaps God was moving among us to call us to a deeper prayer life. Maybe there was a reason why we all stayed in Estes today. I want to hear God's voice in this. I honestly do want to go deeper. I don't want to be satisfied with where I am now. I want to go deeper. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And only God can fill me up...

In His Mercy.

It's Raining Blood

Chapel was really good today at school. Shane Bernard (of Shane and Shane) led worship. This in and of itself was amazing=) Jd preached about humility and the "spirical" nature of worship. When he blessed the bread and the cup for communion, he had us raise our hands. Well, being an introvert, I sometimes get uncomfortable with people telling me how to worship. Something that I actually have thought a lot about and prayed a lot about in the past year is the idea of being free to worship. Worship is a form of freedom that we have here. At any rate, I stood there with my hands raised and in my mind I had this vision of Jesus' blood running down my fingertips and covering my arms. I felt the Spirit embrace me in that moment and I was filled with such a peace. What a powerful thing to know that I washed by the blood of Jesus!

Life is good right now- really good. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed by my semester right now, but life is still good. I moved into my new apartment on Monday, which is such a blessing. I feel like I can relax after a tough summer. I have found myself in moments of complete gratitude for the friends I have and the people I am surrounded by. I am reminded daily of the love of my Savior. That love is expressed to me through my incredible, patient, caring boyfriend. Seriously, it is only by the power of Christ's love that David could possibly love me like he does=) I'm just full of joy right now=)

In Christ's Mercy.

Butterfly Blessing

The afternoon before my granma died, my mom saw a huge, beautiful monarch butterfly flying around her car. It's not very often that you see this in Ct. When my mom told me this, I knew- don't know how, but I did- that my grandmother's time was coming. Apparently, people who have had very full, long lives have trouble "letting go" of their life. So when I heard about this butterfly, I just knew that things were ending and my grandma was going to be given new life. As sad as it was, that new life was the best thing for her. Her last week of life on this earth was not at all ideal.

I flew back into Kentucky yesterday. As I was sitting on the curb of the airport terminal, waiting for my ride, a huge monarch butterfly flew directly at me. I mean, I literally thought that it was going to fly right into my face. For about 10 minutes, it just flew around me. It's been a long time since I have seen a butterfly that big and that beautiful. Again, I thought of new life. This summer has worn me down emotionally, mentally, and in some ways spiritually as well. But, I finally feel like everything is being given some closure. Moving day is fast approaching. David comes back in 5 days. And I know that my grandma is finally at peace. As I watched this butterfly, I felt like God was reminding me that everyday He infuses me with new life.

Praise God for butterflies.

In His Mercy.

Learning to Breathe

This past week has been draining in many ways. Monday was the private burial and memorial service for my grandmother. It was a whirlwind of emotion and many tears. It was definitely strange to see the casket, ready to be lowered into the ground next to my grandfather. It brought back memories of being 7 years old, trying to comprehend that my grandfather was buried under the mound of flowers and dirt that I stood by.

Then David came here tuesday to meet the family- he passed the test=) And it was so nice to spend some time with him here in CT. We went to Boston, played mini-golf, met some family friends, and drank Dunkin Donuts coffee. Life was good.

Today we finished cleaning out my grandmother's apartment and now finally, I am able to just sit and relax. Isn't that what's supposed to happen on a "vacation"?

It seems like everything is coming together now. The stream in the desert is in sight. The hard part with grandma is over. I'll be moving this week into my new apartment and in one more week, David and I will be together again! I am more than grateful that this summer is almost over. It's been trying, and even though I have yet to figure this out, I know that God was forming me and growing me somehow. I trust that that will be revealed in the future! But for now- it's done and over with and I am still in one piece=)

In His Mercy.

Feeling Trapped

Ok,so this is probably going to be a complaining entry, but so be it. If I don't rant right now I'm going to go out of my mind. Summers in Wilmore are not my thing. This is my second summer in Wilmore and honestly, I want to jump out of my skin. Granted, it's been a stressful summer for many reasons, but I guess I feel a bit trapped right now. I'm trapped in a house with mice,ants, and an anxiety-producing atmosphere. I'm trapped in a town that is worlds different than what I am used to. I'm trapped in a sadness that can't go anywhere yet. I'm trapped in boredom and lonliness and frustration and stress and lack of sleep and all I want to do is yell and scream. I want to speak my mind, but at the same time know that sometimes speaking my mind may not be the best option. I just want out. I want normality and routine and the stress that only a seminary semester can give me.

I was telling David the other night that I am craving newness and a fresh start. That's the only way I can put it. I am craving a new environment with new opportunities and and even new stresses. The stress I'm dealing with now is getting to be too big to hang onto. And perhaps I should never have tried to hang onto it. God is probably whispering to me at this very moment to let it go- give it to Him and hold onto the hope that has been right there all along.

I am excited about what my future holds. I am blessed by my present, despite anxiety, stress, and sadness. And, I can learn from my past- even from these past 3 months.

Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

At Home with Mary and Martha

After reading David's blog yesterday about what "home" is, a few things started to pass through my mind. My thoughts alternated between home and the Sabbath and the story of Mary and Martha. Here was my flow of thought:

My first year at Asbury, a student spoke about our only true home being at the communion table with the body and blood of the Lord. And really, this is so true. These past 6 years of undergrad and grad school have meant not having a permanent home. Therefore, our only home can be at the Father's feet. This made me think of the story of MAry and Martha....

Mary sat down at Jesus' feet and listened to Him. Martha ran around, keeping herself busy, and eventually complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her with the preparations. But Jesus told her that Mary had chosen what was better and that wouldn't be taken away from her. I started to think about how maybe God didn't intend for us to ever be so busy that we don't have time to just sit at His feet and listen. But often that's exactly what happens.

Taking a Sabbath is so important. I've had a deeper understanding of this this past summer as I've observed what David goes through. Why is it so hard for us to just rest and take a Sabbath? I mean really, when we're constantly on the go we crave time to kick back and put our feet up, but when we do that all we can think about is everything we have to get done. Essentially, Jesus told Martha not to even worry about stuff like that. Jesus wants us to stop and sit and listen.

Random thoughts- still trying to make sense of them all myself.

In His Mercy.