Flickering Flames

Last night was my last Christmas Eve at home for a while. Everything seemed a bit more...."magical." Every last detail was like a warm cup of coffee- perfect to the last drop. I was there about 30 minutes early to practice my solo, so Pastor Rick had me light the candelabras that lined the sides of the church. As I lit those candles with wreaths splashed behind them, something in my heart clicked and it felt like Christmas to me. It truly felt like Christmas- not that church in and of itself was the answer to achieving the Christmas spirit- you have to have ears to hear. It was as I was lighting those candles that I heard Jesus whisper, "Rejoice! Your King has come to you!" I savored every moment of that service.

From the carols, to the special music, to the interpreters (we have a crowd of deaf people that come to the service), to the kids' smiling faces, to the final candlelight hymn, I will truly miss this church next year. I grew-up in this church- I was baptized there, confirmed there,became a Christian there, and next October, I will be married there=) Every detail of he past 25 years are carefully etched into my heart. I'm ok with this being "the end" for a while. Right now, I am rejoicing that it's Christmas! The King has come!

In His Mercy.

Christmas Time

This Christmas season has been very unique for me, and will continue to be. It's been very emotional- but with me, this probably isn't too big of a surprise! Thursday I helped pack David up. Although his memories there go further back, I have some memories buried in that house on Akers as well. As I walked back to David's room over and over to bring boxes out, I kept having this vision of this past summer. He had come up for a couple days to visit and I had come over to his house the instant he got there. I burst through his front door, ran down that hallway towards his room, and jumped into his arms. It was sad packing up his stuff, knowing we'll be apart next semester...

So I got home on saturday. After dinner, mom and I decorated the tree. It's tradition. Mom and I both ended up crying, knowing that this was the last Christmas for a while where we would be able to decorate the tree together. Although it was hard, I'm so excited for the blessings that God has given me in David. Next year, David and I will be married, in our own place, decorating our own Christmas tree and starting our own traditions. I can't tell you how excited I am for this!

This Christmas season is a season of transition for me. Not only am I enjoying my time here with my family for one more Christmas, but I'm longing to be with my fiance. It's our first Christmas together, and yet we're apart. But praise God for his blessings and his faithfulness. For even though I'm learning to let go, there is still so much to hold on to in Jesus!!!

In His Mercy.

Almost Done

I learned a very important lesson about ministry Friday night. I think that I had myself convinced that because I am young, I can wear myself down all week, get a descent night's sleep for one night, and be good to go. Either I'm getting old or this theory of mine needs some tweaking- I'm going with the latter. I had my family fun night on Friday night. I got to the church at 1 in the afternoon to go shopping with Melissa for food and decorations and then back to the church to set-up. By the end of the night, I was exhausted-partly from not getting enough sleep that week and partly because in the midst of it all,I didn't eat anything. Aaron walks up to me at 8:30 and says, "I can't wait for you to plan a couple more next semester!" My only response in that moment was to cry. Seriously, I just started to cry. This was just one event. Being in full-time ministry is more demanding than that! It made me realize the importance of having a regular schedule when I get a job. God reminded me that ministry is not only theological and biblical, but it's practical as well.

If there's one question that God has been asking me lately it's, "Why aren't you going deeper with me?" Well, God, I don't know. I want to. I desire to. I NEED to. My heart is crying for that something deeper. I'm so hungry and thirsty and I don't know whether I need to feed myself or go and get fed. All I know is that I need to go deeper. I want to feast, not just nibble. I want to drink so much that I'm overflowing. I want to stop with this spiritual snacking....

More love, More power
More of you in my life...

In His Mercy.

Redemption

I was thinking Wednesday night, as I was trying to calm myself down from the excitement of the day, that getting engaged was in a way a redemption. In the moment that David said, "Will you marry me?" and I said yes, God brought full redemption to the brokenness that I once had. I really struggled with being single. I wanted nothing more than to get married and have a family of my own. It was a desire that was so deep in my heart and I got to a point where I was tired of people saying to me, "God wouldn't give you these desires if He wasn't going to provide for you." Well, how was I supposed to know whether these desires were from the Lord or my own selfish desires? I can't tell you how many times I cried out to God, praying to be ok with being single. I finally got to a point where I had a deeper understanding of being satisfied in the Lord alone and that is exactly when the Lord gave me David. And 7 1/2 months later, David got down on his knee and proposed. That was the moment when I realized that God had redeemed a heart that had been broken. He redeemed the despair I felt for so long.

I have so much to be thankful for this holiday season. A wonderful fiance. Friends who love me and want what's best for me. A church family to share in my joy. Ministry involvement that crazy enough, is a nice study break for me- no matter how loud and crazy those kids get! I have a family that loves me and supports me unconditionally and has raised me well. My parents have shown me in their own relationship what a marriage is supposed to be. And most importantly, I have a deep joy in my heart that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the living Jesus Christ.

In the words of Edwin McCain, cheesy but so true:

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

In His Mercy.

Engagement!!!!

So, my big news is that David proposed to me about 2 1/2 hours ago. I said yes!!!! We're ENGAGED!!!!!!! It was a very sweet proposal. I took David to see the church that we're going to be married at. HE took me over to the piano in the sanctuary and asked me to stand at the corner near the keys. He sang to me the song "Make you feel my Love," which is the song we are going to dance to for our first dance. Then he told me how much he loved me and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, with many tears and threw my arms around him. After composing myself a little, he put a beautiful solitaire stone on my finger.

I am overjoyed right now. I can't even put into words my emotions and thoughts. I am just the happiest girl in the world!

So yes, October 18, 2008 is the big day!!!

God is so good!


In His Mercy.

Dancing

First off, go to the myspace homepage, click on the music option, do a search for the indie artist Elisa, and listen to the song "Dancing" on her page. It's incredible. It gave me goosebumps. It's amazing how music can have such an effect on people...But yeah, not why I'm writing...

Yesterday in my moral development, an Augustine quote came up in conversation. It goes something like, "Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." I love this quote. I had to read the source this came from in Church History and I remember stopping and re-reading the quote several times. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to go back to when I didn't know he Lord. There's no way I could do it. I have tasted and seen how good the Lord is and there is no way I could live my life apart from Him. Without Him in my life, I would be a wanderer, with no place to go. No vision. No direction. No rest. But my heart has found rest in the Lord and that is such an amazing comfort.

Life is good. The semester is nearing a close, which is a blessing. God is certainly moving and answering prayers. David and I had an amazing conversation that just brought such joy to my heart. I almost can't believe the blessings in my life. I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness in providing for me exactly what I need when I need it.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above...."

In His Mercy.

Growing Pains

I realized today what an interesting phase of my life I am in. It's funny, because starting about half-way through college, I thought a lot about marriage. At that point, marriage was a smooth transition. There would be no inbetween phase where I would have to let go of my parents and lean on my husband. I think that this problematic thought process existed because I had no context for marriage. Now I find myself in a place where I am getting professional degree, I am 850 miles away from home, and in a committed relationship. My thought process has chnaged and so has my heart. It has been hitting me hard lately that I need my parents in a very different way now. I'm learning how to lean on David and to need him- in healthy ways of course. It's a hard process to face there evidently is an overlap phase where I'm still holding onto my parents with one hand and the other hand is holding onto David. This causes a lot of tension for me. I am the baby girl in my family, so to have to let go is painful. I was telling David last night that I really feel like I am processing through growing pains that happen at this stage of life. It's hard, but I'm so excited to see how God is going to continue to move and birng David and I's hearts closer and closer together.

This morning I met with my group for my discipleship class. We have a group paper to put together. I was kind of dreading this paper because group papers can be disastrous. It is a daunting task to integrate 5 different papers into one. But as we sat around going over our papers and talking with one another, I felt empowered. I don't know how else to describe it. It made me excited about our paper. It made me excited about ministry. It's amazing how God can come down and say, "Sarah, get over yourself. Stop stressing out over these things. This can work. I can work even in situations like this. And right now, I want you to see how blessed you are to be able to discuss ministry with other passionate people."

So yes, I am in an interesting phase of my life right now. And I am so blessed. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. I love the ministry opportunities I have been given. But most of all, I love how the Lord is moving!

In His Mercy.

Dreaming

So yesterday in church the sermon was on prayer. One thing that really spoke to me was how when we can't sleep, we should pray because maybe God has something to tell us. I went to bed last night with a million things zooming through my mind. So of course, the tossing and turning ensued pretty quickly. So I prayed. I asked God to reveal to me the things I was seeking after. I asked him to help me get through the rest of this semester and to help me balance my time bettter. I don't remember actually ending that prayer, so I guess the Lord granted me sleep. So....I prayed my way to sleep. I prayed for the stress to be lifted, and what happened you may ask? I dreamed of my stress. I dreamed that all of the free time I had and all the mornings I had to sleep in were gone. People (that I don't even know) kept calling me and asking me to babysit and I just kept saying yes. The part of me that figured out I was dreaming kept screaming to me "nooooo! Stop saying yes!!!" So what do I do with this? I prayed myself to sleep after asking the Lord to relieve me of my stress, and I dreamt of stress. Not exactly settling. I don't quite know what to make of it all. I mean really, it almost seems cruel to me.

But yet somehow there is still this central part of my life. It's the eye of the storm that the Lord keeps bringing me back to. Even when I feel like I'm getting swept away in everything else, God whispers to me, "I am your center. I am all you need. More than you could ever want. I'm your supply. I'm your life. More awesome than your finite mind cn even wrap itself around." So at least I can say that my center is still there and I can recognize it. And even though the end of this semester will be bitter-sweet, I look forward to being able to fill the prescription Aaron gave me: read fluffy books, watch movies, and stay in my pajamas most of the day. 5 more weeks....

In His Mercy.

Cloud of Witness

So on thursday, our chapel service at school honored All Saints Day.As part of the service, they have us all stand in memory of alumni who have passed on. Then they have all of us sit and those who have lost loved ones in the past year have the opportunity to stand and honor their lives. My first two years here, I have to confess, my heart was not "in" this. My mind would wander and it almost didn't make sense to me. But this year I stood in honor of my grandmother who passed away on August 17th. As soon I stood, I started to cry tears that I didn't know I had. Suddenly it all made sense to me. My grandmother was an amazing woman of God. She was so full of love and faith in Jesus and she has now joined the great cloud of witnesses that Hebrews 12 talks about: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." My grandmother has run the race and I have to believe that she is cheering me on each day as I run my own race towards Jesus Christ.


I feel like God has given me water to drink. I sat at the rail today in church and just breathed a breath of life. There is so much going on that wants to suffocate me and take away God's presence, but I can't let that happen. For the first time in months, I actually can see the edges of the wilderness. I'm making my way out and God is offering me the Water of Life. So I'm drinking it up and it is GOOD!!!!

In His Mercy.

Feeling like Job!!!

So I'm making my way through Job right now. I read a few chapters this morning and it got me thinking. I observed that Job and his friends spend about 30 chapters or so complaining. They question God and Job laments over ever being born. I noticed that God was not part of the conversation and my immediate questions was, "why?" When God DOES respond, He does not respond by being defensive or giving Job and his friends a point-by-point counter argument, but he points to creation. His main point was that if we cannot even understand the intricacies of his creation, then how are we to understand the ways He chooses to move in our lives?

Sometimes I feel a lot like Job. I was talking to David last week about waling in the desert. I feel like I have been walking in the dessert since June. Between the dying and death of my grandmother, being in Wilmore, and trying to make it through the summer in my house, I felt stranded in the desert. God's silence weighed heavy on me and I struggled to trust that he was walking with me. A new year at Asbury started and here and there God brought me to a stream in the desert and I was able to drink and quench that thirst in my heart. Here it is, the end of October, and I have to admit that maybe now, I am walking somewhere between the promised land and the desert. I can sense that I am slowly making my way out of the desert and I am recognizing that God has carried me through a lot.

So yes, I did feel like Job for a while, wanting to make all the bad stuff go away and to somehow figure out God's ways. That I can never do. I guess in my observations of the book of Job, I began to wonder if when all we can do is lament about being in the desert, does God purposely remain silent? Does He sit there, drumming his fingers and rolling his eyes, wondering when we'll just shut-up and listen? I think that it's quite possible that when we complain instead of being still before the Lord, that God just lets us complain and waits. I've realized that I need to wait. I need to wait and be still and listen. When God places me in the desert, it's because He wants to force me to trust Him. He wants to see if I can just keep my mouth and wait.

Ok God, I get it. I'm waiting. I'm listening.

In His Mercy.

Prayer

Prayer is something that has been on my heart lately. Saturday afternoon, I found myself sitting off in my littl nook in my bedroom, no music, no noise, and a heavy heart. I told God I had no idea how to pray or what to pray. I just felt like something was missing in my prayer time. The funny thing, God has been teaching me about prayer in unexpected ways. I had always said that intercessory prayer was not my gift. Now that I am seeing this in writing, I realize how ridiculous this may sound to some people. Anyhow, I have found that some of my most powerful prayer times in the past few weeks have been the times I have prayed for other people- for my roommate, for David, for David's sister, etc. I feel the Spirit moving through my words- or should I say God's words? Then I go to pray by myself and after praying for the obvious, I am left with a blank mind that can't think of a single thing to pray for. What is that all about??? Maybe God is trying to show me that there is power in prayer in numbers. But still, something is missing here for me....

I love that verse in Romans about how when we don't know how to pray, the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. What exactly are these groans? I stumble over my words, but somehow God in his omniscience understands the graons of the Spirit. I guess the moral of this story is to rest in the promise that God knows my heart. He knows me with a depth I will never even be able to know myself with. Maybe prayer is supposed to be a mystery.....

In His Mercy.

Pride and Prejudice

David and I had an interesting conversation. It started with President Bush. We both agreed that because he's our preseident, we need to support him. Granted, I didn't support Bill Clinton, but excuse me if I think a husband should be faithful to his wife- but that's another story in and of itself. See, I may not agree with all the decisions that Bush has made, but he hasn't completely shattered by belief that he has the ability to lead this country.

So then our conversation moved to how America has this underlying pride. America thinks that "the West knows best" and because of this, I think that there are parts of this world that truly resent us. Understandable, I suppose. I then made the comment that the consumerism in America is a huge hindrance to God's work. All the stuff we have makes it hard for us to truly have faith that GOd can move mountains and calm the raging seas. After the tsunami of 2004, one of the students at my college told stories of God's power at work. He was from Sri Lanka and his father is a pastor there. He told us how a pastor stood on the steps of his church and as the waters came towards him he said "in the name fo Jesus Christ, do not come near this church" and amazingly, the water split and went around the building, leaving it undamaged by water. Does that not blow your mind? The next question I would ask is when was the last time you saw this happen?

The sad thing is that consumerism has covered our hearts with a blanket of comfort. I'll be the first to admit that I have a hard time working outside of my upper-class frame of mind. I grew-up in wealth and have never known what it's like to be in need. I have to believe that there is a reason God placed me in the environment that I was in. But yes, sometimes I have toruble seeing past what I have always known. But I can tell you that I can see enough to know that there are about 40 kids in my life that need to be loved. I believe with all my heart that God has given me the awesome responsibility of being Jesus to these kids, who have come to know poverty, drugs, and abuse as the normal way of life. This is not ok to me. These kids have opened my eyes to so much and showed me that yes, I can work outside of my box. I have to be and honestly, I want to.

Switchfoot has an amazing song from about 4 years back called 24. Here are some lyrics from it:
I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

I DO want to see miracles. I want more than just a feeling or a cause. I want the dead in me to be raised to a new life with Christ because lets face it, we all have "deadness" in us that only God can bring life to. And He wants to and that's the most amazing part of it all. God is just waiting for us to hand him the reigns of this consumer-driven society and he's just waiting to bust out some miraculous, mind-boggling things. Are we ready for it????? "I want to see miracles, see the world change...."

In His Mercy.

What You Want

You're softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
And I want you just like a hole in my head
But I need you like a meal and a bed
And you say, "Come on, I'm not what you're after."
But I know you're not just anyone, anyone

(chorus)
But I'm not what you want
No, I'm not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone

And you're an army in a horse
And you have taken me by force
And all the freedom in this world could not resist
The sweet temptation of your sweet elusiveness
So I say "Come on!" as the gate swings open
Cause I know you're not just anyone, anyone

(bridge)
And the lie's always cheaper than the truth
But the lie's all I've ever known of you
Maybe none of this is true

This is a song by Caedmon's Call called "What You Want." I was listening to this song this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. The line I love is "And you're an army in a horse and you've taken me by force." I thought of when I became a Christian. Jesus rescued me from a dark pit, one where I thought I had all the answers in the world, but came to find out that I didn't know a thing. I had nothing to call faithful. I had nothing to call true hope. And then Jesus stormed into my heart and took me by force. He told me that he was THE answer, that He was faithful, that He had an abundance of hope and love and grace to show me. And I let Him. Jesus doesn't NEED me by any means, but he wants me and that gives me a reason to be somebody....

I am so blessed. Everything in my life is gift of my gracious God. He's not just anyone....

In His Mercy.

Creation

An interesting debate was sparked in doctrine class yesterday. Unfortunately, we didn't have the time to really resolve the issue or give it the attention that it maybe should have been. We were talking about creation and our mandate to care for creation. Someone raised their hand and said the most important thing was that we are giving Jesus to people. Someone else responded that that can be dangerous because we can become arrogant about evangelism, so we shouldn't think that we have to evangelize people. Here are my thoughts.

One, the issue of the environment needing to be cared for over and against the need to care for other humans. I was in college about 3 years ago when that massive Tsunami hit Sri Lanka and other countries. About two weeks later, we had a chapel service where it was discussed. A professor got up and went on for about a half hour on the poor sea turtles that were now in dnager because of all the flooding. Excuse me??? The sea turtles??? To make matters worse, there was a student who was from Sri Lanka and he was disgusted by this chapel, as he sould've been. Forget the turtles, what about the PEOPLE???? When all is said and done, I think my top priority would be the people, not the animals. Not to say that the environment is not an important issue. It is. But there's a time and a plce for worrying about it.

Two, we are called to evangelize. But, if we aren't willing to provide for the physical needs of other people, then we souldn't bother evangelizing. Telling a hungry person that "man cannot live on bread alone" is probably going to fall on deaf ears. How about giving a hungry person some food and saying, "taste and see that the Lord is good."

Three, to say that we shouldn't worry about evangelizing and that we shouldn't think "we have to share Jesus with this person because otherwise they'll never hear about His name" out of fear of arrogance might be a little extreme. Yes, humility should be a huge factor in this, but if we adopt this "I'm not even going to go there" attitude, then we are in danger of ignoring the Great Commission altogether.

Really, all of these issue need to be held in balance and perspective with each other. Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always a hard lesson to learn. Lately, I have found myself on both sides of the forgiveness spectrum. By this, I mean to say that not only did I need to extend forgiveness, but I needed to ask for forgiveness. In the first situation, I guess I adopted a mentality that attempted to bodly proclaim that since it was out of sight, it was out of mind. But it wasn't out of mind. Rather, I think it was "out of heart." I almost wanted to confront the situation head-on so that I COULD have real anger, frustration, and sadness. As it is, I feel like I went through the motions of the emotions- almost as an obligation. I find it hard to forgive in a situation that I'm physically separated from. But yesterday, I told the Lord that I officially have extended my forgiveness. After all, the terms of forgiveness have to be God's, not mine!

And then there's the need to seek forgiveness. This is hard- it's a big blow to pride and egos. And I admit that sometimes I struggle with pride. But I confess here that I needed forgiveness these past couple of weeks. I needed it bad.And yesterday I got it. It meant seeking forgiveness with this person and seeking forgiveness from the Lord.It's never an easy conversation to have. But, it is a testimony of God's love for me and this person's love for me. I think my struggle with apathy these past few weeks was because of the fact that I had forgiveness issues to resolve. I had to make things right in my life. Something inside of me knew that I couldn't fully come to the Lord when there were things that I was holding onto- white-knuckled at that. Te truth is that the Lord knows everything anyways, so it shouldn't be hard to just come out and say it. who are we kidding when we think we can hide from the Lord?

So yeah, apathy can be bad- but forgiveness is always good! Life is pretty busy right now. Right now, I am finding it impossible to do every single thing that needs to get done. Somehow I have to learn to prioritize and to realize that sometimes things have to be left undone. Someone once said that in ministry, you feel like you never actually "finish" anything. I think seminary can speak to that=) So I go on with my life now, knowing that I am free to forgive and be forgiven and knowing that I am loved by the best people on earth!

In His Mercy.

The Presence of God

I've been feeling pretty apathetic towards things lately. It started out as apathy towards a specific situation and then became general apathy. I felt like I was trying to give from nothing, worship without the heart, and trying to feel things when really I couldn't. Today in chapel Pete Greig spoe about prayer. Pete is British and began the 24/7 prayer movement. God's anointing was truly on him as he spoke passionately about prayer. In my head, I thought about how much I want a passionate prayer life, how much I want to be a prayer warrior, how much I want to just be in God's presence without worrying about having to be somewhere or do something. I just want to be and I want to BE with God.

During the last song we sang before the official benediction, I tried my hardest to fit my heart into a space it seemed to be resisting. Complete apathy. No emotion. JD gives the benediction and Matt starts to lead those of us who wanted to stay in "All Who Are Thrirsty." That's when the tears started. First a tear down one cheek. Then one down the other. and then the floodgates opened. I have a couple of reactions to this experience. First of all, let me say this: the presence of God was there. God was there. God graced us this morning and it was good.

I realized that there is a depth in the human heart that we couldn't possibly comprehend. There is a depth of pain lodged in my heart that I can't even begin to understand, but felt the effects of today. I know I have some forgiveness to deal with. I know I need to find my peace with God. But I also know that I am hurt. But God's visit to Asbury this morning was yet another reminder of the promises of God: that he gives us streams to drink from, a banquet to eat from, a hope to lean on, a faithfulness to trust in, and a love that feeds us daily. Wow. That's all I can say: WOW.

I also realized that perhaps God was moving among us to call us to a deeper prayer life. Maybe there was a reason why we all stayed in Estes today. I want to hear God's voice in this. I honestly do want to go deeper. I don't want to be satisfied with where I am now. I want to go deeper. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And only God can fill me up...

In His Mercy.

It's Raining Blood

Chapel was really good today at school. Shane Bernard (of Shane and Shane) led worship. This in and of itself was amazing=) Jd preached about humility and the "spirical" nature of worship. When he blessed the bread and the cup for communion, he had us raise our hands. Well, being an introvert, I sometimes get uncomfortable with people telling me how to worship. Something that I actually have thought a lot about and prayed a lot about in the past year is the idea of being free to worship. Worship is a form of freedom that we have here. At any rate, I stood there with my hands raised and in my mind I had this vision of Jesus' blood running down my fingertips and covering my arms. I felt the Spirit embrace me in that moment and I was filled with such a peace. What a powerful thing to know that I washed by the blood of Jesus!

Life is good right now- really good. Yes, I am a bit overwhelmed by my semester right now, but life is still good. I moved into my new apartment on Monday, which is such a blessing. I feel like I can relax after a tough summer. I have found myself in moments of complete gratitude for the friends I have and the people I am surrounded by. I am reminded daily of the love of my Savior. That love is expressed to me through my incredible, patient, caring boyfriend. Seriously, it is only by the power of Christ's love that David could possibly love me like he does=) I'm just full of joy right now=)

In Christ's Mercy.

Butterfly Blessing

The afternoon before my granma died, my mom saw a huge, beautiful monarch butterfly flying around her car. It's not very often that you see this in Ct. When my mom told me this, I knew- don't know how, but I did- that my grandmother's time was coming. Apparently, people who have had very full, long lives have trouble "letting go" of their life. So when I heard about this butterfly, I just knew that things were ending and my grandma was going to be given new life. As sad as it was, that new life was the best thing for her. Her last week of life on this earth was not at all ideal.

I flew back into Kentucky yesterday. As I was sitting on the curb of the airport terminal, waiting for my ride, a huge monarch butterfly flew directly at me. I mean, I literally thought that it was going to fly right into my face. For about 10 minutes, it just flew around me. It's been a long time since I have seen a butterfly that big and that beautiful. Again, I thought of new life. This summer has worn me down emotionally, mentally, and in some ways spiritually as well. But, I finally feel like everything is being given some closure. Moving day is fast approaching. David comes back in 5 days. And I know that my grandma is finally at peace. As I watched this butterfly, I felt like God was reminding me that everyday He infuses me with new life.

Praise God for butterflies.

In His Mercy.

Learning to Breathe

This past week has been draining in many ways. Monday was the private burial and memorial service for my grandmother. It was a whirlwind of emotion and many tears. It was definitely strange to see the casket, ready to be lowered into the ground next to my grandfather. It brought back memories of being 7 years old, trying to comprehend that my grandfather was buried under the mound of flowers and dirt that I stood by.

Then David came here tuesday to meet the family- he passed the test=) And it was so nice to spend some time with him here in CT. We went to Boston, played mini-golf, met some family friends, and drank Dunkin Donuts coffee. Life was good.

Today we finished cleaning out my grandmother's apartment and now finally, I am able to just sit and relax. Isn't that what's supposed to happen on a "vacation"?

It seems like everything is coming together now. The stream in the desert is in sight. The hard part with grandma is over. I'll be moving this week into my new apartment and in one more week, David and I will be together again! I am more than grateful that this summer is almost over. It's been trying, and even though I have yet to figure this out, I know that God was forming me and growing me somehow. I trust that that will be revealed in the future! But for now- it's done and over with and I am still in one piece=)

In His Mercy.

Feeling Trapped

Ok,so this is probably going to be a complaining entry, but so be it. If I don't rant right now I'm going to go out of my mind. Summers in Wilmore are not my thing. This is my second summer in Wilmore and honestly, I want to jump out of my skin. Granted, it's been a stressful summer for many reasons, but I guess I feel a bit trapped right now. I'm trapped in a house with mice,ants, and an anxiety-producing atmosphere. I'm trapped in a town that is worlds different than what I am used to. I'm trapped in a sadness that can't go anywhere yet. I'm trapped in boredom and lonliness and frustration and stress and lack of sleep and all I want to do is yell and scream. I want to speak my mind, but at the same time know that sometimes speaking my mind may not be the best option. I just want out. I want normality and routine and the stress that only a seminary semester can give me.

I was telling David the other night that I am craving newness and a fresh start. That's the only way I can put it. I am craving a new environment with new opportunities and and even new stresses. The stress I'm dealing with now is getting to be too big to hang onto. And perhaps I should never have tried to hang onto it. God is probably whispering to me at this very moment to let it go- give it to Him and hold onto the hope that has been right there all along.

I am excited about what my future holds. I am blessed by my present, despite anxiety, stress, and sadness. And, I can learn from my past- even from these past 3 months.

Thus ends my rant...

In His Mercy.

At Home with Mary and Martha

After reading David's blog yesterday about what "home" is, a few things started to pass through my mind. My thoughts alternated between home and the Sabbath and the story of Mary and Martha. Here was my flow of thought:

My first year at Asbury, a student spoke about our only true home being at the communion table with the body and blood of the Lord. And really, this is so true. These past 6 years of undergrad and grad school have meant not having a permanent home. Therefore, our only home can be at the Father's feet. This made me think of the story of MAry and Martha....

Mary sat down at Jesus' feet and listened to Him. Martha ran around, keeping herself busy, and eventually complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her with the preparations. But Jesus told her that Mary had chosen what was better and that wouldn't be taken away from her. I started to think about how maybe God didn't intend for us to ever be so busy that we don't have time to just sit at His feet and listen. But often that's exactly what happens.

Taking a Sabbath is so important. I've had a deeper understanding of this this past summer as I've observed what David goes through. Why is it so hard for us to just rest and take a Sabbath? I mean really, when we're constantly on the go we crave time to kick back and put our feet up, but when we do that all we can think about is everything we have to get done. Essentially, Jesus told Martha not to even worry about stuff like that. Jesus wants us to stop and sit and listen.

Random thoughts- still trying to make sense of them all myself.

In His Mercy.

The Rollercoaster of all Rollercoasters

So I spent about a week waiting for something to happen- waiting for something to DO in this "quaint" little town of Wilmore. Well, ya know the old saying, 'be careful what you wish for'? It's true. Be careful what you wish for. I went home this past week because of less than ideal circumstances. I've spent the summer going through box of Kleenex after box of Kleenex and it all culminated in a memorable moment this past week.

It's a humbling thing to see the cycle of life played out before your eyes. To hold a baby in your arms on the one hand and to have to help your grandmother get up off the couch on the other hand is two sides to the same coin. Life is framed with dependency on other people to get by. If only everyone were blessed enough to have people by their side right up to the very last moments.

I go home in another week- as originally scheduled and planned. And let me tell you, the circumstances will be even less ideal by that time. This all began on Easter Sunday when the whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks. The Lord sent me David just 5 days later. It looks like by next weekend, it will all be over and lo and behold, David will be by my side just in time. The Lord certainly knows what He's doing- tears and pain and all.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, yet completely dried out at the same time. I have no idea what to think or feel or say...But I do know that I am grateful that I do not have to walk this path alone...

In His Mercy.

Sweet Mercies

In my grumblings of the woes of summers in Wilmore, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of hope and joy in my heart. It's situations like the one I am in where God is preparing to do something amazing and I woke up this morning with an excitement in my heart to see what that is! It's in Isaiah 43 where God says "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." I guess- in all honesty- I have felt in these recent weeks that my heart is a spiritual desert right now. I'm waiting to be fed, because I'm hungry and the good Lord knows I am at a loss right now. I have no idea what he wants to do with me right now, but I'm here waiting. And I know without a doubt that God is doing a new thing in my life-even now. And he will continue to do a new thing in me and one day, when I'm not even expecting it, He's going to reveal to me what's going on. I will be given a new understanding and I'll be able to see the way in the desert and drink from the stream in the wasteland.

I am so grateful for the Lord's sweet mercies and I rest in the promise that every morning holds. See, the Lord is doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it????

In His Mercy.

Tiny Dancer

To me this summer has been about being stuck in a place I don't want to be. It's amazing how being in a relationship can reveal things to yourself that maybe you don't want to see. For instance, I always knew I was an impatient person, but I see it even more so now. My impatience seems to be springing from feeling stuck in Wilmore in a house that has lost its charm to me, when the man I love is 6 hours away from me. and the thing is, I am obviously where God wants me to be and David and is where he needs to be and we are where we need to be. If that wasn't the case, God would have provided a different path for us. So how do I deal with the tension of knowing things are how they should be and being impatient with where I am right now and where David and I are???

Maybe it's time to do some serious reflecting and processing. There is always something to be learned. I long for a new phase to come- one where I can move into my new apartment and get a fresh start. But, somehow I need to figure out how to accept where I am right now. The Lord always has a better plan than I do; maybe I just haven't taken the time to seek what that plan and purpose was and still is for this summer.

So to those I've hurt along the way- I am sorry.Please join me in my quest to seek the Lord's purpose in all this....

Summer Lovin'

I've written a couple of times about the kids I work with at church. It seems that every time I am around them, it gives me something to reflect on. Friday was another Family Fun Night to wrap up VBS week. I was taking a volleyball break and one of the girls comes running up to me, throws her arms around me, and says "Miss.Sarah I missed you!" I thought to myself that it had only been 24 hours since she had last seen me, but then began to think about how maybe kids have a lot to teach us about love. The thing abut kids is that they see right through facades and they truly are great judges of character. This girl has seen me reprimand other kids and she has received some stern talks from me as well. But yet she still came running up to me to give me a hug and tell me she missed me. That kind of innocent, pure love is so beautiful. Kids often respond to adults with unabashed love just because those adults chose to share their lives. As adults, maybe we've missed something. Love so often becomes a chore, or it's used to manipulate or control, but a child's love is so simple.

I wonder if the love of a child is like God the Father's love for us. Does God yearn to throw His arms around us, and tell us He has missed us when we've run off in embarrassment after doing something wrong? Maybe we need to love the Lord like a child, just like we need to have the faith of a child to inherit the Kingdom. ....

In His Mercy.

Random Ramblings

Prayer request: My grandma is not doing so well. She was diagnosed with cancer back in November. It has since spread and her health is declining faster than we originally thought it would. My mom and her sister have already been discussing funeral plans with her and I have been asked to sing at the funeral. My grandma has yet to really realize how sick she is. It's been really hard on my mom and aunt and me, for that matter. PLease pray that my grandma would find a peace in the Lord in this and pray for my family as we discern what to do from day to day. Thanks...

Something that I am also still trying to process through is David and I's experience with prophetic prayer a week ago. We met up with a couple that Davd knows in Memphis and before we all parted ways, we prayed together. The wife started praying for me and asked God to continue to foster my gift of intercessory prayer. Well, this made my mind, considering that I always struggled in my prayer life. More specifically, I struggle with praying with people. Well, when Allison was praying this over me, my mind just started spinning. Maybe my "struggle" has more to do with my own insecurities and not a matter of God not gifting me with prayer. I think that when I know that I'll be praying with other people, something inside of me freezes up and I immediately start planning out what I'm going to say. Really, this is not what prayer should be. Prayer isn't about the words we say, but the heart behind them and the Spirit inspiring them. Anyway, my experience with this prophetic prayer was very powerful!!!

I need prayer, guys. My heart is heavy with family things, things that I know I have to face in the very near future, and holding on to the peace that David and I have together when we're apart- sometimes long distance just plain sucks! But I love him, and I trust that the Lord will continue to move us forward and bind our hearts together.

In His Mercy.

Love Part Deux

I've written a lot about love lately, mostly because love is just on my heart<3 I've been thinking about how godly love is in the context of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. When the relationship is right, then it's only because of God. It has to be. I look at what David and I have and pretty much, I don't think we could possibly love each other if it wasn't for the Lord being the center of our lives and the center of our relationship. If something that powerful wasn't binding our hearts together, I don't think we would make it. And to me, that is a beautiful statement about what we have.

I read this verse a couple of days ago that I want to share: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." (Psalm 33:22) When I read this verse, the image that came into my mind was a blanket completely covering me. God's love rests on our hearts and is so powerful that it begins to course through our veins. It holds us together, if we let it. Because of God's love, we are able to love ourselves, our families, and the people around us. As long as David and I let God's love rest on us and bind our hearts together, then we'll be ok. And to me, that's a beautiful thing=)

In His Mercy...

Heavier Things

NO,this entry is not a tribute to John Mayer.

Yesterday was the day of heavy things. I found out two pieces of news, one right after the other that drained me. I had no energy to do anything, but I forced myself to go for a drive and run soem random errands that had to get done. I feel like these past 6 months have been such a challenge- if it wasn't one thing, it was another. I keep waiting for life to get easier, but it doesn't and I guess it's not supposed to. Isn't that what being an adult is about? Don't get me wrong- my life is good. All the fancy words in the world couldn't describe how amazing my life is- so I'll settle for "good." I have amazing support systems in my life, people who carry my burdens with me and are there for me.

So back to yesterday. I had volunteered last Sunday to help out with a family night that was last night. Well, I didn't want to go becase of how much the day had eaten away at me.I called Melissa (children's pastor) to see if it had been called off because of weather, but it was still on. I sucked it up, turned on some worship music, and drove into Lexington. It's incredible how God works. Those kids have a way of lifting my spirits in such a therepeutic way. David and I talked about it when I got home and he pointed out that that is just how God created me. Despite the fact that I had three elementary school girls painting all over my face and despite how they stained one of my favorite shirts because of it, I still went home with such joy in my heart. God has created me to have a passion for loving kids and ministering to them and I am honored to do so!

Life may be about the heavier things right now, but my God is faithful and He will carry me through...

In His Mercy.

Walking the Line

So I've been thinking about the difference between dependence and interdependence. There's a fine line between the two. Dependence can be a very dangerous thing.In fact, I honestly think the only one we can ACTUALLY depend on is the Lord. God made us to be dependent on Him and not on each other. However, before you start raising eyebrows at that last comment, let me qualify that statement by saying that God DID create us to be interdependent with each other. We are to bear each others burdens, not let people dump their problems on us or dump our own problems on other people. We are to encourage others, but also recognize that there are boundaries that we need to have in order to keep our own sanity. We are to utilize our gifts and abilities in order to build the Body up, while at the same time leave room for grace and forgiveness because sometimes we mess up and let people down. We are to give and receive. Dependence often becomes a one-way street, but interdependence is a two-way street. It's more about equality.

An example of this I see in my own life is my relationship with David. We are our own people. We understand who we are apart from each other, but at the same time we have a profound sense and understanding of who we are together. We have areas of our lives that our are own, but yet we still share those things with each other. I know that I still crave my independence, but all the same, I crave the interdependence that David and I have in our relationship. It's a mystery to me. It's God's grace- the coming together of two lives- one from Georgia and one from Connecticut.

I think that we all struggle with dependence at one point or another. We walk that fine line between healthy interdependence and unhealthy dependence. What counts is what we do about it- will we make that tough decision to take the steps needed to break that dependence? Or will we choose to stay in that dependence and ultimately hurt ourselves? I've been in those "dependency situations." I ended up just hurting myself and eventually I realized I was not being kind to my friends. I took the steps needed to be a whole healthy person.

In His Mercy...

Love

In my UM Theology class this morning we talked about love. We talked about how true, sacrificial love is a reward in and of itself. Sacrificial love actually hates recognition. It reminded me of a friend of mine's sermon in chapel last year. She talked about how it is impossible to truly love other people with human love. Human love is so limited and in a sense, an illusion because it runs out. It only loves when the person FEELS like loving. But true, godly love never runs out. It loves depsite emotions. It loves selflessly, not expecting anything in return. Because God IS love, it just can't run out. When we love others with the love of the Lord, it is essentially perfect love; it is love being drawn from a fount that will never "run out" of love. What an amazing thing to think about!

And speaking of love....I have to say it...I am in love and I want the whole world to know! I am so full of happiness and joy and thankfulness to the Lord for providing for me! I love you, David Anthony Wofford!!!! And I don't care who knows it;-)

At The Cross

While Jan was fulfilling her altar ministry commitments last night at Ichthus, I had some quality alone time to people watch and reflect on the speakers and artists. I won't mention the name of the speaker because what I'm about to say isn't very positive. I felt like the speaker spent more time talking about how HE had impacted people, and not how GOD had impacted people THROUGH him. Yes, God's power was mentioned and it's awesome how God has used this person to reach people, but he came off as slighty self-centered to me. However, at the end of his talk, he had people stand who were in need of prayer. People around them stood in solidarity with them and put their hands on their shoulders as a reminder that God has not forgotten us. Off to my left was a group of middle school girls standing in a circle, arms around each other, praying. It struck me and brought tears to my eyes- that is such a powerful image and I sincerely hope that they realize what a precious gift moments like that are. For some reason it reminded me of my senior year of high school. My senior year pretty much stunk because of things going on in my life at the time, but God's grace was so obviously present. When I got accepted into Gordon College right before Christmas of '00 (early decision; the only school I even applied to), my mom and I took a trip over to our church. I sat in the dark sanctuary at the foot of the cross with tears streaming down my face. God was so faithful and that was very real to me in that moment. My acceptance was the light at the end of the tunnel; it was God's redemption of my whole 4 years of high school. HIgh school doesn't bring back too many happy memories for me....

On a side note, I was more impressed with BarlowGirl's worship leading than the speaker. Talk about 3 women with such a voice for the Lord, especially at Ichthus where it is clear that a word of purity needs to be spoken to the females of my generation and the next. Btw, I got to meet the Barlow girls and get my picture taken with them=)

God is faithful and God is a God of grace and mercy. He is MORE than enough for me.

In His Mercy.

I Will Wait

I had a very vivid dream the other night that struck fear in me. I forced myself to wake up and then felt too anxious to go back to sleep; I was afraid of having the same dream over again. After thinking about it all day yesterday and talking about it at leangth with David, one word sums up the dream: anxiety. I don't think the dream was from the Lord, but rather an act of Satan, warring against the goodness of the Lord in my life. Regardless of the message of the dream, David was right in saying that I need to receive God's peace in this. There's a lot of things tht my mind races around, but I see now that I need to stop.....and wait.

I was listening to Jason Upton- he has a song called "I will Wait." This verse got to me: An evil army's all around me/ another wall that's in my way/ but I believe the Word you promised me/ So I will wait another day. What is this word exactly? "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength (Isaiah 30:15)." In the Christian walk, there seems to be a great tension between receiving and trying to earn our salvation, or deliverance, or blessings. The fact is, we can't earn anything from God. He owes us nothing, but we owe Him everything. But it is in our repentance, rest, quietness, and trust that we receive strength and salvation from the Lord. God has promised us HIs peace and deliverance, but we need to wait for it. How ironic is it that it is in rest and quietness that we receive? Aren't those the very things that are "dis-valued" by this world?

Somehow we must push past these tensions and wait on the Lord. He has promised us and He will follow through.

I will wait for you, Lord....

In YOUR Mercy....

C'est la Vie

I'll be honest, despite the negative in my life right now, I love my life. God has blessed me so abundantly. His grace has worked in me so much in these past 2 years in seminary. I've grown to love myself and embrace some sense of self-confidence. He's thrown me into a ministry that I love (Children's ministry at church- I absolutely love those kids), given me the motivation to put my heart into my school work, taught me in a tangible way what it means to rest in Him as His daughter, and blessed me with a man who cares about me more than I imagined anyone ever would- someone who sees me and fought to win my heart. I am so ridiculously happy and filled with joy.

But oh how quickly the devil is given a foothold. Spiritual warfare is so real. It doesn't take much to let Satan right in. I feel a bit of that warfare in my heart right now and I'm fighting it. In a perfect world, I'd be able to make everyone happy, be in two places at once, and know the right things to say at the right time. No opportunity would be wasted. But the world is not perfect and all I can do is keep calling on Jesus Christ and trusting that He will deliver me.

In His Mercy...

Memorial Day

I went to the Memorial Day parade with my parents in my hometown this past monday. During the parade, they had two fighter jets fly overhead a couple of times- pretty low, too. It gave me goosebumps. As I watched 3 hummers go by with military police inside, I was struck by something. Most of the men and women in the hummers were around my age and younger. It was in that moment that I realized Memorial Day has taken on a more significant meaning for me. The Iraq war is really the only war that has such a huge impact on my generation. Sure, there was the gulf war, but I was about 9 when that ended. I was too young to understand the implications of war. But the Iraq war, that's a different story. I know people who have been killed. I know people who have served in the war or are currently serving. While my view on war is complicated, nevertheless the troops need our prayers and support. As I sat watching that parade, it just struck me how big this war is. In my opinion, it's going to be a long time before peace is established. Did people really think it was as simple as going in to Iraq, killing the terrorist, turning their government into a democratic one, and then pull out? Of course it's not that simple! The tie between government and Islam is deeply rooted in the Iraqi land. Of course this isn't simple and of course the war is going to go on for quite some time. How long has it been? Over 5 years? I wouldn't say I'm an extreme pacifist, but I do think that maybe the U.S. government should have re-thought how they were going to handle this situation a little bit more before acting.

At any rate, we can pray. We can do whatever it takes to support our troops and what they are standing for. They are fighting for this country and we need to support them, whether we agree with the war or not. We can also pray for the Iraqi people and the Afghani people and everyone who is being affected by this war. Pray for peace, for God's power to reign supreme. Just pray....

Not my Yesterdays

One of my guilty pleasures is watching reality shows like The Bachelor and American Idol. Jordin Sparks won American Idol this season-she deserved it! One of the songs she sang for the finale had a line that went something like "I am made of more than my yesterdays." I think that this is a very true line. I always get very nostalgic when I spend time at home. I was looking throug my high school year book the other night and reading over all the notes people wrote to me. "Call me next year," "Keep in touch," "make sure you come back and visit," "Best friends forever"! Were we that naive at 18 years old to think that life could stay the same? Did we really believe that our best friends at the time would be our maid of honor and bridesmaids in our future wedding? Were our boyfriends really "meant to be"? Was it really true love? Was the world really ours to conquer?

6 years later I know that none of these things are actually true. My best friends are not anyone from high school. "True love" is very different as a 24 year old than as an 18 year old. While I do think the world holds potential for my future, I've also witnessed how the violence of this world can physically consume people from my past (i.e. Iraq). I've learned from my yesterdays but I am so glad I am not made of them! I'm glad that I am not who I was back in high school.

I have this awesome picture tucked into the front cover of my Bible. I cut it out from a church bulletin sometime last summer. It's a picture of God's hand with a person standing in it with a ray of light illuminating that person. When I first saw it, it just struck me. It is a perfect illustration of our dependence on God for our very lives. We literally are living out of the had of our gracious God. It reminds me of a verse from Psalm 145 that says that God opens his hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. That's it- He opens his hand and we are satisfied! Now that is a powerful God!

In His Mercy...

A Place in Time

A year ago I was in such a different place. I was depressed, hated myself (literally hated myself), and thought starving myself would solve my problems. Society tells women that if they lose those extra 10 pounds, then life will be peachy. It didn't take me long to realize that this was not the case. Not eating made me more unhappy and the thing is, I may have dropped a few pounds, but as soon as I started eating normally, those few pounds came right back.

It was at the end of the semester a year ago when I realized just how deep my hurt and depression was. For 4 1/2 months I sought the affirmation of others, dealt with my depression by eating-thus the extra weight, and turned around and decided that cutting my calories in half was the best answer. Go figure- all it did was bring me back to square one. I decided I needed to do something about everything- be proactive, get help. So I did, and God's mercy is so sweet. His love is so deep and His redemption was the very grace my life was craving a second taste of.

A year later I am in a much better place. I've lost over a pants size, simply by living a healthy life. I've learned to appreciate all the friends that I do have and just like my relationship with the Lord, this means trust. I may mess up or do stupid things, but at the end of the day I rest my head knowing that the Lord still loves me and calls me His child and my friends still love me- quirks and all. I've learned to appreciate who God created me to be-HIs daughter, a woman with deep passions, dreams, emotions, intelligence, beauty, and tons of personality! I don't say these things with vanity, but rather to state that I know who I am.I appreciate what I have to offer. I love how God has created me.That's a huge step from where I was last May.

And last of all, God has blessed me with David. He came out of nowhere and moved into my heart.He is an example of God's grace in my life. David came after God filled my deepest need-to know who I am, to be sure of my identity. And that I am-I am nothing apart from Jesus Christ. So now, David and I can run towards that cross together!!

Caught up in the Whirlwind

So I'm home in Connecticut for the next week and a hlaf. I feel like this past semester was all about being on the move and trying to stay on top of all the work I had to do. So it's nice to be home, just me and the dog for a whole week, thinking about and processing through the past 4 1/2 months. This could take a few entries=) Today I had to go to the mall. Inevitably, I forgot to pack some things and unfortunatly, it meant a trip to the mall on a rainy day- all I wanted to do was stay in, watch tv, and enjoy my Dunkin Donuts coffee. I had to drive all the way across town and it was as if the first 18 years of my life passed by my eyes. I passed by my middle school, my high school, the high school hang outs, etc. It's weird knowing that life has taken me places that I never would have imagined, but that this town was where I lived for my whole life before I went off to college and then grad school. I feel attached to this town, but somehow so utterly DE-tached at the same time. I have no idea if that even makes any sense.

So apparently this was not a "process my semester" entry...but I guess I haven't processed anything yet...

My praise for this week: seeing God's grace and mercy so tangibly played out in someone else's life. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!

In His Mercy...

Crazy for You

God often speaks to me through people and yesterday he spoke to me through David- my wonderful boyfriend=) He held me in his arms and whispered to me, "I'm crazy about you." I immediately thought about how God the Father must hold us in arms and whisper to us, "I'm crazy about you!" What an amazing thought to know that God created me in His image, delights to love me, and is absolutely, totally, completely crazy about me. The truth of my identity of being a child of God is something that God has really spoken to my heart about this semester and He has made it more and more real to me each and every day! I can't imagine being anything other than a child of God!

and a plug for People Magazine from this week, which is actually probably off the shelves at this point- but it had an article in it about the mother of someone who I graduated from high school with. He was killed in Iraq on mother's day of 2005. The article profiles his mother and the mother of the guy who is buried next to him at Arlington Cemetary. If you have access to this issue, you should read the article. It's a great article!

In His Mercy.

Loving our Enemies

So on a whim last weekend I bought People magazine. It had an article in it about Virginia Tech. I was reading it and 2 things caught my attention. First, it was talking about how the campus was dealing with this tragedy and apparently on one of the greens, there is a memorial consisting of 33 stones- one for each student that was killed. It then went on to talk about how 32- yes, 32- balloons were released in memory of the students who were killed. Um, why is there discrepancy between the stone memorials and the balloons that were released? Oh right...because apparently the shooter was not included in the balloon release. This really bothered me. The article said that it was student who added a stone for the shooter as part of the memorial. Good for that student- I think that is a good example of what it means to love our enemies. I was really dissappointed in the fact that a balloon was not released in memory of the shooter.

I am certainly not saying that what happened was acceptable. What I am trying to do is stir up a little compassion and godly love. I can't imagine the despair and darkness that the shooter was living in that would cause him to commit such an act of evil. But even the most depressed person living in the worst despair we could ever imagine needs some love in their lives. Releasing a balloon for the shooter may seem like a minor detail that doesn't really matter, but when you really think about it, it has deep implications of how our society views forgiveness and love. It may be hard to forgive someone who does something like this and it may be hard to love them, but God says to do it. If God says it, then do it. It's times like these that our character can be built and formed into the likeness of Jesus Christ....

In His Mercy.

Family

I think one of the hardest things for me to handle with my involvement in children's ministries is seeing the brokenness in the family that accompanies it. I was talking to my parents yesterday about a certain situation that I had encountered this week in regard to brokenness in the family and I found myself in tears. I just cannot understand it. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot accept the fact that there are kids being beaten, who are told that it's "for their own good." It is NEVER acceptable to beat a child, or anyone for that matter. But of all the people to beat, to beat a child seems senseless and evil. I nanny a few kids and when I spend time with them, I just can't imagine ever laying a hand on them. I love them with all my heart. They are so precious.

Abuse in the home seems to be cyclical. When you tell a child that it's for their own good that they are beaten and that they are loved, well those are pretty mixed messages, but that child automatically is more suseptible to becoming an abuser. It's an ugly cycle that needs to be broken. Kids need to know that it is NOT OK to be beaten.

I propose that ministry HAS to be to the family, and not just the child. If we are just ministering to the child, then we are missing out on a very important component. If we recognize the severe brokenness in the child, then we almost have to assume that there is severe brokenness in the family- whether that is physical abuse, or emotional/mental abuse. Therefore, ministry needs to start with the family. If the family unit is broken as a whole, then how is that child ever going to be ok???

Just some things on my mind....

God's Delight

So right now I'm reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I was reading the other day about how each individual is an expression of God's delight. his really struck me. It's amazing to think that God delights in me, and in everyone else. He didn't have to create us, but he did. And here I am, God's delight. What an act of love and grace. There are so many things that I do that I know God doesn't delight in, but God delighted to create me and that is no small thing. In a way, this obligates me to love myself. I'm at a place where I can honestly say that I do love myself. It wasn't without a lot of tears and struggle with Satan that I got here. But by God's grace I've learned to see the good in myself.I don't say this with arrogance, because I believe that it's hard to love the Lord and/or our neighbors when we don't love ourelves.If we don't see ourselves as being made in God's image, then how will we see others as being made in God's image???

Another random thought. Yesterday in chapel we sang an old school Maranatha song- "I will never be the same again." I love this song and it brang back a lot of memories yesterday. Right before I left for college 6 years ago, I gave my testimony at the church I grew up in and I sang this song to close my testimony/sermon. If there's one thing that needs to be understood from a life that God has redeemed, it's the idea of transformation. It's a life that is sold-out to Jesus Christ, making HIM the center of everythng. Life simply can't be the same and given the choice, I wouldn't want my life to be what it was before I became a Christian. I can't imagine not having this love, grace, mercy, comfort, etc in my life. I can't go back.There's just no way I can. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and I will never be the same again...

In His Mercy.

Emotions Gone Haywire

I think that being an emotional person is a gift from God. I've had people- in the past- tell me that I'm "too emotional." What exactly does this mean? That I can't control my emotions? That too much emotion is a bad thing? That God made a mistake when he made me emotional? I'll admit that there have been times when I've let my emotions get the best of me. If there is one thing that God has taught me about being emotional, it's that emotions can be used for good or evil. But really, God wants me to learn how to keep my emotions in check and use them for His glory.

That being said, I hereby confess that thursday's post was an example of a time when my emotions got the best of me. I used vagueness and anger to make myself feel better, but really I feel awful about the whole thing. So to the person that "sparked" that entry, I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry for being emotional, but I am sorry that I let my anger get the best of me, when all along God wants my best....

In His Mercy.

Great Jehovah

Guide me, o thou great Jehovah
Pilgrim through this barren land
I am weak, but thou art mighty
Hold me with thy powerful hand
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven
Feed me till I want no more, feed me till I want no more

Open now the crystal fountain
Whence the healing stream doth flow
Let the fire and cloudy pillar lead me all my journey through
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer
Be thou still my strength and shield, be thou still my strength and shield

When I tread the verge of Jordan
Bid my anxious fears subside
Death of death and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side
Songs of praises, songs of praises
I will ever give to thee, I will ever give to thee


We sang this hymn last night during band practice at church. I love this hymn. It was another nudge from God that it's not about me, it's all about Him. Right now I'm angry. Maybe upset or hurt would be better, less harsh words. I'm just tired of being treated as if my thoughts and emotions don't matter. I'm tired of avoidance instead of confrontation. Is avoidance a lie? Because confrontation is the truth. I am weak, but my God is mighty and He is the strength inside of me. I see myself as a strong person because of the Lord inside of me. I can handle the truth because in the end, the truth is always better than a lie or avoidance- however you want to look at it.

I love this hymn because of its imagery: the crystal fountain, God as my strength and shield, feeding me the bread of heaven, being led by the fire and cloudy pillar....Whatever life throws at me, my God is bigger than that. Satan can't knock me down when I'm calling on the name of Jesus Christ.

Your love is all I need...

In His Mercy.

Bearing our Burdens

I was doing some thinking yesterday about friendship. One of the things that really struck me was how friendship is expressed in brokenness. The power of friendship is almost magnified when friends meet each other in their brokenness. My pastor back home in CT once asked us during a sermon how many friends we have that will cry with us or offer their shoulders to cry on. At the time, I had trouble coming up with someone, but now as I answer that question 9 years later, I can honestly say that I have a handful of friends who will bear my burdens with me. And this is such a gift, a blessing, a small glimpse into the grace of God. Being able to sit with a friend and listen, offer advice, and pray for them is a powerful thing. To have someone listen to me, cry with me, let me cry on their shoulder, hold me in their arms, and pray for me is beyond what I imagined I would have in my life. It's easy enough to be someone's friend when life is good, but what happens when the rain comes? Are we going to take shelter and remove ourselves from the situation? Galatians 6:2 says that bearing each other's burdens fulfills the law of Christ. Does this mean empathy is a call on all our lives, and not just the emotional people? I think there is a line to be drawn between empathizing and being swept away in other people's problems, but I think true friendship is exressed best in brokenness and we are called to ache with other people. And on a side note, I don't think bearing each other's burdens means just with our friends, but with all people, but that is another entry all together=)

Life is coming at me fast right now. It seems like everytime a question is answered, 3 more questions arise. I am left in a perpetual state of questioning! But I suppose that's a good thing. God is faithful. He is my rock.This is something I am constantly coming back to as I leave the past in the past and press on each day.

Pictures of Egypt

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
~*Sara Groves*~

Last night at church, we as a praise team attempted to learn this song. Didn't work out-mainly because it was not in the right key. Anyway, I found myself coming back to the lyrics of the song today, mainly the chorus. It seems that at every major transition in my life since graduating high school, I'm always looking behind me. One thing that obviously needed to be re-thought when I got to college was what my idea of "normal" was. In all honesty, "normal" became muddy to me when Matt left for college. I felt like a piece of our family was missing. So maybe my view of normal was when all four of us were under the same roof. But in college, I realized that if this was really the case, then life would never be normal again.

So then I left for college- off to Boston it was! Four years later, I moved to Kentucky. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be living in KEntucky. So clearly, a new definition of normal needs to be made. And it all comes down to my identity being in Jesus Christ. I am a child of God- a daughter of our sovereign God. THIS is the only normal thing I know. God is faithful- never once has He EVER let me down. I need to stop looking behind me. I am not who I was 6 years ago when I graduated from high school, 2 years ago when I graduated from college, or even a year ago when God sent me through a refining fire to snap me back into the reality of where I was.

I'm growing up. For the first time in my life, I've realized that I am a strong person. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make a home for myself 900 miles from my childhood. I can challenge myself and trust that the Lord will honor that. Who I am now cannot live in the "normal" I once was so sure of.

I am so in love with the Lord- what could be more normal than that?

In His Mercy....

Christ is Risen!

One of my favorite things about my church back home on Easter s when we Sing "Christ the Lord is Risen Today", with the majestic pipe organ accompanying us, and people walking up to the front of the sanctuary to place flowers on a wooden cross- symbolizing new life. It gave me goosebumps every year. And today I wish I could have been there for that.

But I am here, in Kentucky, and even in Kentucky, Christ has still risen! We sang a song today with these words: I'll praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead. And really, this is a good way to look at Easter. It's about celebrating the fact that because Christ has risen, we no longer have to live in death. Living in death is not a fun place to be and as I sang these words today, my heart was bursting with joy when I reflected on what I was saved from. I was brought from hopelessness to hope, darkeness to light, despair to joy, death to LIFE. And what a good life God has blessed me with!

During the last song, I stayed in my seat and just started to pray and think about what Jesus has done for me. A woman came over from a few pews behind to see if I was ok. I told her I was, but as soon as she left, I started to cry. She came over again at the end of the service and just held me. Boy did I need that. Sometimes God reaches out to us through other people and the good Lord knew that my heart is aching. I hate that I'm away from my family right now because of stuff that's going on back home. I'm struggling to fully accept where I am in life. I'm wanting to be home for Easter in way that I can't even describe.

But Christ has risen....He has risen indeed! And as I face the rest of today, I know that I am not alone- not now, not ever...

In His Mercy.

Danger of Silence

So I have had the past two days to immerse myself in silence. Both of my roommates are currently away for Easter, so I have been left alone in our quiet, empty house. Yesterday I rather enjoyed the silence. Today the hours dragged on, although at the same time it's hard to believe I've been up for over 12 hours. It's amazing the things you are faced with in the silence.

I have to admit that I've never been a fan of silence.I'm normally the one who feels the need to somehow fill the silences- whether it be a corny joke, nervous laughter, or some random question. There are very few people in my life that I'm ok being silent with. In fact, when things have been silent in group gatherings and I haven't broken that silence, people have asked me if there's anything wrong. These scenarios say 2 things- one, I'm afraid of silence. And two, so are other people. Our world is so noisy, with tv, stereos, iPods, video games, and the need to fill uneasy silent spots in the conversation. Why are we so afraid to be still and to be quiet? Life gets so crazy and if we never slow down, we are causing ourselves and maybe even others more harm than good.

These past two days have been almost out of character for me. Normally I always turn on my stereo for background noise. I love music- sometimes I pick out the songs that would be on my own personal soundtrack. But this weekend, I turned my stereo off and slowed things down. There's a lot that I need to process through, as always. I think we get afraid of silence because God often speaks to us in the silence and sometimes we just don't want to hear what he says. He showed me some things in my own heart today that I wish weren't there. No wonder silence is a spiritual discipline..

Last year was my first Easter away from home. It was tough, but Jan and I had an awesome Easter! After church, we spent the afternoon cooking and ate Easter dinner with a bunch of our friends in the Wilmore mini park. It was so much fun! This year I again will not be home for Easter, obviously. And it certainly mde it harder to say goodbye to my parents on wednesday, knowing that just 4 days later, I would be by myself on Easter. But God is so faithful and tommorow is not a day to wish for something more when God has already given me "more!" So rejoice, for Christ is ALIVE!!!

In His Mercy...

Being Swept Away

So somehow I made it through 2 very tough weeks at school and have now enjoed the first half of my "Spring Break," which is actually reading week.Apparently in grad school breaks are not allowed.My parents have been here since thursday, which as been nice. Family is really important to me and I don't get to see them that often now that I'm living in Kentucky.

Mom and I sat in my kitchen today talking about dreaming and life. I found myself in tears. It's so easy to get caught up in what we "should" have, when all along God is providing for our deepest needs, even the needs that we don't perceive. One of my favorite Scripture passages is Isaiah 55. The first verse says, "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!" Everyday, our Lord invites us to stuff our faces with Him and drink deep of a well of Living Water.The fact is, I have everything I could possibly need and so much more.Yet my heart is crying out to be satisfied.

I listened to this awesome song called "Sweep Me Away" by Kari Jobe. One of the lines is "sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters." Nothing else matters save Jesus Christ! I want my life to mirror that. I'm not saying I think it's wrong to dream. I dream all the time. But at the end of the day, nothing else should matter but Jesus Christ in me.

Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Then come, just as you are, and eat and drink from a banqueting table that will never be empty!!!

God's Word

I've been meaning to write this entry sicne thursday.Right now I'm taking Exegesis of JEremiah.We spent all of thursday's class talking about the call narrative in the first chapter.Seeing as how I'm a seminary student who doesn't know what life is going to look like when I graduate in 2 years, this is a topic that I always pay special attention to.

At any rate, we spent some time talking about God's Word.Our prof said that God's Word possesses a power that we may not even believe is there-but it is irregardless of our own opinions.This comment struck me.I do believe that God's Word is life, it's food for us Christians, it holds weight in our lives, it's authoratative.But I also admit that maybe I haven't allowed myself to believe that God's Word alone can change lives.I know this may sound horrible, but I grew up in church.The Word always came to me via other people.And no doubt,God can use this as a means of grace.But what about the Atheist who pulls out the Bible in a hotel room on a whim and reads the gospel account and his/her heart is transformed by the Spirit? That is the power of God's Word.

This whole discussion reminded me of the first year I went to Wales.It was the first year a team had been sent to this town, so really our job was to plant seeds.Isaiah 55 became the theme of that week very quickly.It really did boil down to trusting that God would accomplish what He desired.The next two years were such a blessing because we got to see that foundation being built upon.

So yeah,I just thought it was pretty darn awesome to reflect on the power God's Word holds!

In His Mercy...

Being Type A

This past Sunday, I was trying to figure out why it is that when it comes to music, I want to get everything perfectly.I hate messing up and get visibly frustrated with myself-at least during rehearsal.I stress-out when we don't have praise band rehearsal or when I can't go.I feel like I have to practice. WHy is that???

Well,I realized something.Growing up, it seemed like everybody had their "thing." I had friends who were dancers, star athletes, ridiculously good students, etc etc. Music was my thing-particularly playing classical guitar.Let me tell you something, I was pretty much the only one who played classical guitar.So by default, I was the best.Maybe without even realizing it, I made myself into a perfectionist when it came to music because I so desparately wanted to be the best at something- like I had to prove myself.

Well,this thinking is faulty.Last week, I opted not to go to praise band rehearsal due to exhaustion and a cough I was trying to shake.I told myself I wasn't going to stress out about getting things perfectly.On past Sundays after a week of no rehearsal, I've made some mistakes here and there.I thought about it so much afterwards and kicked myself for making those mistakes, when really I'm sure no one was sitting at home those nights thinking, "Wow,Sarah came in at the totally wrong time on that song." I realized on Sunday, that when it becomes about me "getting things right," then it's no longer worship.It becomes about me "proving" to everyone that I have talent.God didn't give me a voice to sing with so I could show off or try to prove myself; He gave me a voice to sing songs for Him, to Him, and for the edification of the Body of Christ.So how can I edify the Body?Well, for one,I can stop trying to be a perfectionist.And for another thing, I can remind myself that I am free to worship the Lord.I need to let the Holy Spirit sing through me.As long as I keep my "Type A" personality in this respect, I am inhibiting the Spirit's movement in me.

So yeah,just some things I've been thinking about.

In His Mercy.

P.S.I'm ready for Spring Break!!!

Love vs. Power

I recently read in two different books that I'm reading the difference between love and power.Power coerces people into action, while love moves people into action.We often see power as a good thing, but really, "power" is a manipulative tool of a select group of people that occupy "high places in society." I know that this statement probably seems a bit bold, but let me qualify my statement.Power in and of itself is a dangerous thing. Hitler had power-and aside from a major heartbreak in the middle of the 20th century, what did his "power" accomplish for humanity? We often see wealthy people as people of power because they have lots of money and we think that money makes us important.A lot of times when money is used as a source of power, people manipulate rules and regulations-and get away with it- while in the meantime everyone else around them resents them.

On the other hand, we have love.Love moves people to action.Love is the cry of every human heart.Think about Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, or William Wilberforce.None of them had "power" in the eyes of society, but they all had love and look what they accomplished! Love fills a basic human need and acting out of love has an amazing power to change things for the better.Power apart from love is useless-but power coming out of acts of love can have a lasting impact. Joy and happiness replace resentment and bitterness. Not all of us have lots of money-but love is something that God offers to everyone, free of charge, and and it's that love that truly has power!!!

In His Mercy...

Be Still

Be still my soul:the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still my soul:thy best, thy heavenly friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul:Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past;
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still my soul:the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still my soul:the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord,
When dissapointment, fear, and grief are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still my soul:when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I love this hymn.God put it on my heart today as I reflected on how life is going these days.Life is exhausting, but it seems that I can only see this when I go to sleep at night.I have enough going on where I don't take the time to process through things as they happen.I lay my head on my pillow, already tasting the glorious sleep I look forward to, but find my mind racing a mile a minute.I think about what has happened, what hasn't happened, what I want to happen, what I have to accomplish. All the while God is saying, "Be still.Not just when you lay your head to rest, but always.Be still and know that I am God."

My problem is that I forget sometimes that the Lord is on my side.Without even realizing it,I lean on my own strength, which is really just an illusion because I have no strength apart from Jesus Christ.Maybe the fact that my mind is racing a mile a minute is a sign that I have allowed ministry to be an excuse for my business.I don't have to do everything.This errs on the side of works righteousness-or atleast has the danger of heading in that direction.When this semester is over,I need to re-evaulate where my involvement should lie.

But until then,I need to find time to be still.God guided me in the past, so has He already taken care of my future.He is with me in the present.Be still....

In His Mercy.

I'm Pressing On

Church was awesome today.It was a kingdom service, which meant all three services were there-which in turn meant a trilingual service.There was communion, singing, and a sermon that got me thinking....

Aaron talked about leaving the past in the past and the importance of forgiveness.One thing that he said was that we can't let who we were beat-up who we are.It's so easy to clutch onto guilt and shame of things we have done wrong.I can make a whole list of all the ways I've screwed-up in just this past year! But what is the point of that? When we don't forgive-either ourselves or others- we carry this emotional and mental baggage that can just eat away at our hearts- and this gives the devil a ncie little foothold! God's Word says that there is no condemantion for those who are in Christ Jesus.That's the beauty of grace-it's completely unfair.

So yes,there are things in my life that I'm not proud of, but I can't dwell on those things.The fact of the matter is, if I could go back and change any of those things, I wouldn't.Those things have shaped my character, my heart,and my faith.In fact, it was because of a colossal mistake when I was 15 that I became a Christian.After two years of some serious soul-searching, I fell on my knees one night and gave my life to the Lord.I think that those things that we repent of are opportunities- to a deeper faith, to be made new day in and day out.Life is amazing like that-it is so full of opportunities and that makes me excited to see what God has in store for me! Yeah,I'll mess up again, plenty of times! But God is a God of grace, mercy, forgiveness,and new life! There is always room to grow...

In His Mercy...

William Wilberforce

So if you haven't gone to see Amazing Grace yet,you should.It's an incredible movie! There were a few things that really stood out to me.One is the fact that William Wilberforce was one person, a commoner, who had a passion and acted on it.And look what he accomplished? How often do we say/think that we are only one person and what could we possibly accomplish of consequence?By saying this we are in a sense limiting what God can do through us.Through one man's passion, slavery was abolished.All it takes is one small spark to start a fire...

I was also struck by John Newton in the movie. At one point he said, "I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior." I think that sums up the life of a Christian.We are so good at sinning...praise God for His grace in Jesus Christ.He certainly is a great savior.

There was one other thing about John Newton that brought tears to my eyes.John Newton wrote Amazing Grace (the song) after being redeemed from being a slave-driver.As the years past of his life, he became physically blind.Wilberforce visits him towards the end of the movie and John says, "I was once was blind,but now I see.I wrote those words once,didn't I? Now at last it's true!" True sight isn't having 20/20 vision (although sometimes I wish I did have 20/20 vision=) ). True sight seeing the truth of Jesus Christ.It's repenting of our sin and allowing God to awaken our spiritual senses.Only then can we truly see...

So yeah,good movie.

In His Mercy...

Role Reversal

So today in church I witnessed something that brought tears to my eyes. I saw the Body of Christ- for a brief moment- function the way it should. I don't mean this to sound harsh, or to sound as if I think there is no hope in the church.I mean this in a way that acknowledges that all churches have their fair share of problems.

Anyways, here's what happened.During the last one or two worship songs, the altar is always opened up for people who want prayer or time to reflect.After the last person from the congregation sat back down in their pew, the pastor got down on his knees at the altar.I watched from up front as I sang as people stood up from the congregation and surrounded him with their presence and prayers.It was a beautiful thing.Here were broken sheep recognizing that even the shepherd needs to be fed and taken care of.I stood there singing with tears stinging to push their way down my cheek.In a perfect world, this is what the Body of Christ would always look like.

It's awesome to see God work in unexpected ways....

Jeremiah

So yesterday in my Jeremiah class,we got on the topic of God's will.Stone said that really our need to know what "God's will" is comes from our middle class choice.Up until even the past couple of centuries, people didn't really have a lot of options.Women were wives and mothers and men did whatever their fathers did.The reason why so many calls were so dramatic to do something more in biblical times was because they had no choice.People didn't ask "who am I supposed to marry?" or "what job should I take?" Stone's point was that a lot of times we impose our questions onto the text, when really those questions were never asked in the first place.

God's will is something that baffles me.I certainly think that we do have freedom of choice- although I once got into a conversation with a guy in undergrad who believed that God made every single choice for us-going so far as to say that God tells him to eat such-and-such for dinner.I think that unless a choice clearly contradicts God's Word, then we really have more than one option for things. I think that God does call people to certain professions, but that in that call there is a freedom to say, "Hey, I think working here would be a better fit for me than working there." There may not be a "bad" option, but there very well may be a better one.I think the most important thing is that we are honoring God and staying true to His Word.

I'm not discounting people who say that God told them that this particular person is who they are going to marry, I just don't think that that can be a general rule.I don't think that there is "one person" out there for each of us.That seems a bit hopeless if you ask me.As long as Jesus is the center of our lives, I think there are many roads that He would bless!

In His Mercy...

Hungry

Have you ever felt so hungry for God that you almost don't know what to do?That's kind of where I am right now.As a new believer,I faced each day with such joy in my heart, feeling like I was going to burst.As time went on, those feelings subsided and I could no longer rely on my emotions to draw me closer to the Lord.Being the emotional person that I am, that has always been a challenge.I can't always feel God, and I don't think God wants me to be able to feel him all the time.It has to be a choice each day when I wake up to follow the Lord and breathe every breath for Him.Lately, everyday gives me yet another reason of why I can't rely on anything less than Jesus Christ himself.As I face challenges and struggles and "bear my cross," I can't help but turn to my faithful God, my rock.It's amazing to think that even when we've known the Lord for years on end,even though he's so deeply embedded in our lives, we can still hunger and thirst for Him with a depth that can't even be understood.

I'm grateful that I can be honest with the Lord.He knows my heart anyway, so why try to act like I can keep things from Him?When life comes at me fast and knocks me off my feet,I fall into God's hands and cry out to him with my whole heart.I'm just hungry right now.I want more of Jesus in my life.The paradox is that I'll never get enough.For all eternity,I'll never get enough...

Today is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary,by the way! Isn't that amazing?It seems rare in today's world and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't praise God for that blessing. I love you mom and dad...